Dear Diary,
Life sure has changed since I started a diary. I used to just live my life. When something happened, I would experience it. Would I think of it again? Of course not. This way I could repeat horrible yet wonderful mistakes with a free conscience. Is robbing a bank good? Well, arguably no. Is robbing a bank fun? Yes, my friends, very fun. But now, because of you Diary, I must “remember” and “think” about the “consequences” of my “felonies.” I must recall the tears of babies whose candy I have stolen. I must pensively reminisce about the hair I have pulled and the insults I have unleashed (“Hey, Fart Balls! Nice face!”). I must eventually stop robbing banks.
However, no misdeeds compare to those committed during my recent trip to Manchester. Here’s a small, terrifying sample. You might want to keep your children from getting too close, especially if they have candy.
*I Heart Aer Lingus. I’ve never met flight attendants so courteous. I had my own row to sleep, 15 pillows, 10 blankets, and all on a crowded flight. Not only was I offered the full can of my tomato juice, I was offered a second can! Let me say that again with italics: I was offered a second can! One more time, italicized AND underlined: I was offered a second can!
*I entered the EU this time through Dublin rather than London, and passport security could not have been more different. In England, I got to know my customs official so well that we are now legally married in most American states. The Irish official, on the other hand, seemed to be offended that I even thought to show him my passport.
*At dinner, Cutmaster Swift successfully ordered and received a large Lemonade.
*Inja gave us the sneak preview of some upcoming düberstep tracks (“düberstep” patent pending) with his man’s man. These tracks are FIRE, people. Like yo, bring out your marshmellows, bring out your graham grahams, throw some Hershey’s on that biatch, and make yourselves some smores.
*The Competition: A very nice level overall, with lots of wahwah warwar brrbrrr BASSy goodness. Standouts to me were: Captain Wang (Good cuts, good juggles, good bass, and he didn’t hang out with his wang out), Special Guest (very nice stage presence and scratching, had a certain swagger that I credit to his amazing name), Asian Hawk (funkiest track selection, dope composition, solid scratching, ran into some problems on some dangerous stop/start patterns), Johnny 1 Move (this guy’s scratching is NASTY, like really, really NASTY, the liar has at least 20 moves, and he can cut with both hands; with improved juggles could make some noise on the world stage).
*USA (Me) vs. UK (Switch): I think I lost some ground this time around, because I didn’t have as many penis jokes. We all know PENIS JOKES = VICTORY, so I don’t know what I was thinking. Next time around, I promise to have way more penis jokes. And of course, Switch murdered it, the crowd loved him, blah blah blah blah blah, would you stop being so damn good every time? I think if James Brown himself came back from the dead and appeared in the middle of my set, the crowd would still show more love for Switch’s James Brown routine. I might have to do the Cutmaster Swift dance in Southampton just to give myself a fighting chance.
*The after party was delightful. We sipped Jack and Cherry Coke out of wine glasses while delectable 80’s jams played in the background.
*Best Moment of The Trip: It was love at first sight. I walked up the stairs of the DMC office, and there she was, leaning against a coatrack, swaying to and fro, shining under an open window. I tried to play it cool, glancing at her out of the corner of my eye while I feigned small talk with those around me. Soon we were exchanging subtle glances. A smile here, a little shimmy there. We were drawn together like magnets in science class (like, you know, if the charges are opposite). I turned. We touched. I knew it would be forever. I had finally met my soulmate, my one and only, my 2000 DMC SWEDEN CHAMPION JACKET. OH SNAP. DMC SWEDEN. DMC SWEDEN IN DA HOUSE. REPRESENT. DMC DJ CHAMPION SWEDEN. WHAT UP, SWEDEN? SWEDEN, HOLLA AT YOUR BOY. SWEDEN. SWEDEN, SON. SWEDEN.
Swedishly,
Shiftee
P.S. While you were reading this, I robbed your bank. That’s how we do it in Sweden, SUCKAS!
The next DMC UK DJ Championship Heat takes place in Southampton on Thursday 28th May.
Venue :
BEAT STREET
Orange Rooms
1-2 Vernon Walk
Southampton
www.orangerooms.co.uk
Hosted By:
Illaman
Acts on the night:
DJ Switch (World Battle Champion 08)
DJ Shiftee (World Battle Champion 07)
Cutmaster Swift (World Champion 89)
£7 adv / £5 (NUS)
8pm – Till late
Tickets available from:
Southampton Guildhall: 02380632602
www.livenation.co.uk