Dan Prince at Miami’s WMC Let’s Rip at the Yanks…
What is it with American men and hairy backs? It’s like being surronded by werewolves.
Fuck me it’s getting more expensive by the year. Ten Bucks for a bottle of Heineken?
The Delano Hotel. The place hasn’t had a makeover for over a decade – just shows what beautiful, timeless design does for you…
Watching roller bladers in the bikinis spinning by for hours, wrong but so right.
Having a chat with a DJ talking about twitter.com – now re-named officially shitter.com
Bumping into Defected’s Toni Tambourine who told me he is doing a charity swim from Europe to Asia. I’ll be quite happy at home with a cup of tea watching Corrie mate, oh and I’ll put a couple of quid in the next charity box I see
My travelling companion – Steve Crompton. Telling everyone at the DJ Mag after party the story about how at his house, he once disappeared into his kitchen when no one was looking, stuck an egg up his arse, went back into the living room where everyone was partying and asked his mate for a wine gum that was lying on the table claiming “they were magical sweets” and could “make him lay eggs”. Swallowed the gum, pulled his pants down and then squeezed the egg out. Queue a room full of people crying with laughter.
Why are air stewardesses so ugly now?
Being asked by one of the Bell Boys at the hotel for a tip after carrying my suitcase up to my room. Yeah dude, here’s a tip; waiting thirty minutes for you to carry it up is not gonna get Dollars out of my pocket for you.
Does everyone who goes to Miami’s WMC have i-Pods? Fuck me, the silence was deafening around all the pools I went to.
Sitting next to two Italian DJs, again at The Loews poolside, who were reading books’ The Nietzsche Reader, Holy Feast and Holy Fast and Charles Darwin’s Theory of Evolution – fuck me, is this a dance music convention or a Philosophy week?
The organisers of WMC planting the week on the same week and the college Spring Break. If I wanted to party next to guys with muscles as big as tree trunks I’d go to Trade.
Danny Rampling telling me he once tried getting into the Parachute Core around the time of the Falkand War but failed. Weird one that.
Trudging through millions of flyers littering the South Beach streets and pavements – dirty bastards.
Paying some guy in a car passing by $30 to take me back to my hotel at 10am after a silly late one – great idea Dan.
Bristol Superstar DJ Pal Conroy climbs onto his soapbox yet again
Thank fuck Charlotte Church isn’t singing anymore, that fat cow has made some terrible records – as a shit local radio station in Bristol keeps reminding me by playing this shite mixed in with all the other shite they play all the fucking time. ‘I like the sound of your belt dropping, your door locking’ she sings in the song ‘Call My Name’. Makes Gavin Henson sound like a fucking rapist. Thank god she’s at home now pushing babies out instead of wank songs.
Hats off to kids TV show Blue Peter last week showing children how to make a fake turd for April Fools Day, what next… how to break into a BMW and nick the CD player? Or how to put a johnny on with your mouth? Beats making a fucking Advent Calender with coat hangers, some glue and a dildo. The only exiting thing to happen on children’s telly when I was a kid was someone broke into the BBC studios one night and vandalized the Blue Peter Italian sunken garden…turned out to be Bob Holness who later went on to present Blockbusters.
Artist Val Thomson creates tributes to people who have died by mixing their ashes into her paintings. Now thats just weird. I bet if you walk into her workshop it says ‘YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE MAD TO WORK HERE BUT IT HELPS’ written on the wall with her own shit.
Love the story about David Beckham in Watford, went to shake the hand of a Royal Marine and it came off. Bet that wasn’t the first time something came off in his hand that morning.
More than half of UK residents won’t swim in their local river because of pollution says a survey out last month. So what about the other half surveyed? Are they fucking mad? I would rather let my sister piss on my face from a tree than take a swim in any of the UK’s fucking disgraceful rivers. For those who disagree log onto www.iamacuntwhowantstodieofadisease.co.uk
A new pub tap will soon let beer lovers have a ‘North or South’ head on their pints of bitter. Northern drinkers a thick creamy head while Southern drinkers can opt for a lighter fizzier top. This sends out a clear message to all beer buffs up and down the country – GET A FUCKING LIFE!
Around 6,000 jobs at McDonalds restaurants will be offered to people out of work who have been twiddling their thumbs for longer than 6 months. Not sure if I like their equal opportunity policy as only the other day at one of their restaurants in London I was served by a retard.
I had a wet dream about Kerry Katona last night. I dreamt I drowned her.
A DJ in Warwick killed a punter because he told him his music was shit! I love that – ‘have you got anything we can dance to?’…yes, how about this fucking machine gun? I have always said DJing would be much more fun if you could legally carry a hand gun – ‘got any R&B?’ BANG! sorry what was that…?
What’s the the difference between Jade Goody and a goat? The British press can’t milk a goat.
Colleen Rooney has announced she is three months pregnant. Congratulations are in order as that girl has had to put up with being fucked by Shrek with freckles all this time. She probably got up the duff to try and put a stop to it. Imagine his fuck face.
Girls will soon be able to have natural boob jobs using fat from their stomach and thighs says a london clinic. Think what Michelle Mcmannus could look like.. a pair of tits with a head on top. On the down side She would end up being stalked by Peter Andre.
Why does Madonna waste all her time going to Malawi looking to adopt a child when she could easily find one complete with pram and accessories if she hangs around outside her local Tesco Extra long enough.
Using your Mobile, changing stations on the radio or putting in a CD while at the wheel are our worst driving habits says a new survey. Eating and drinking and being distracted by children are also in the list, but being fucked off your face driving down the motorway receiving a blowjob while trying to do a corner off a credit card doesn’t even get a mention which comes as a big relief.