Bristol Superstar DJ, Mr Paul Conroy Tells Us How It Is
“Only 219 days left until Christmas – can’t believe there are no decorations in the shops, how shit is that?
The number of kids suffering from sexually transmitted diseases has gone up by over 42 per cent in the last 6 years. It’s about fucking time they are good at something, well done.
Lady Ga Ga was mistaken for a prostitute when she posed for photos in Russia’s Red Square wearing a leather leotard. It also didn’t help getting into men’s cars and offering anything from a hand job for a tenner to the full works for a ton. Personally, I think she should change her name to Lady Gag Gag and specialize in blow jobs. Her advertising slogan could be ‘Come And Poke My Face’.
What is the point in a bank having its own fucking radio station? There you are in a queue during your lunch break and some geeky DJ comes on saying “good afternoon, this is HSBC radio taking you through the day with some great songs including Whitney Houston and a classic on the way from Squeeze – don’t go anywhere” – what are you going to do, phone up your boss and say I won’t be in this afternoon, I am staying at the bank – get me a fucking chair. Imagine working there with that shite on in the background every fucking day. And in garages and shops “this is Cost Cutter Radio with another non stop three in a row coming next”, I’ve come in here to get some milk, nobody cares so fuck right off. Will there be no end to this. Imagine you are in a public toilet trying to have a shit and hold the cubicle door shut with your foot at the same time with the Pet Shop Boys on in the background followed by “this is Radio Cruise with great songs to have a piss to – stand by got George Michael coming in just seconds so don’t go away”.
Just had a Mr Kipling’s Kimbo Slice, chocolate on the outside, pink in the middle, but fucking rock hard – almost broke my jaw.
A father who regularly horsewhipped his three kids ‘for their own good’ was jailed on Monday. He was sentenced after it emerged that he used to beat them with a riding crop. His eldest ‘Novelty Bobble’ a 4 year old 16 hand Mare who came second on Saturday at the 2.15 in Cheltenham was unavailable for comment.
A girl Goalie smashed an FA record at the weekend by scoring twice in one match from her own box. I would have loved to have seen that, I’ve seen a trick done with ping pong balls before, but never a fucking football. She’s bound to get a hideous nickname after that surely?
Peter Andre man, what a fuck up. Firstly stop being such a wet fucking fart all the fucking time. Secondly stop being a wet fucking fart all the fucking time and thirdly stop being such a wet fucking fart all the fucking time.
ps. stop being such a wet fucking fart all the fucking time. Oh yeah and don’t write a song about it, because it’s shit before it’s written….
Had a go at breast feeding yesterday, fucking pointless, can’t get my head down to either of my tits so whoever say’s it’s natural, is a cunt.
“CCTV cameras in towns, housing estates and on public transport has little impact on crime” a police spokesman said, but surely without these cameras on our streets there would be fuck all to watch on Bravo?
Stunned medics removed Porcupine needles from the dicks of two Russian men at the weekend as they tried to have sex with the animal in Florida. You know how it is we all get carried away from time to time, you’re in a foreign country on a lad’s holiday, two of you on the pull out drinking in a bar and in walks a sexy Porcupine. You get chatting, offer the Porcupine a drink or two and out comes the old Sambuca. One thing leads to another and before you know it, both of you have the Porcupine’s knickers off in your hotel room taking it in turns to do the dirty bitch, but hang on, no protection? Easily done.
Dan Prince Observes A Mad Mad World
Three people were hurt when a stage collapsed at a rock festival in Derby – good, stopped that fucking racket.
Jesus. A tiny electric train set hidden in a brief case is being sold as an executive stress reliever for £725 by some stupid firm in Sussex. Listen, just go to the toilet and have a wank.
Now we’ve all had the odd hair appear on or dinner plate when dining out, maybe even a pube. But the poor sod in New York who found a snake’s head in his broccoli? Funnily enough he wasn’t charged for the meal.
Nice of that court in Margarethen in Austria to send out a debt collector to an OAP’s house after the guy had underpaid a bill by 32p. I’ve had to install steel doors at my gaff due to all those red bills sitting on my doormat.
England is a strange place. Some stupid sods up in Lancashire got married last week and had 105 bridesmaids and 113 best men – the youngest six weeks old. That must have been the longest reception in history – imagine all those bloody Best Men speeches, on and on and on…
How funny was the tale of the burglar who got stuck climbing down a chimney in Spain, and died. Hilarious.
Nearly as funny as the husband who attacked his best mate in Taiwan after buying a porn film only to see his pal shagging his wife.
Pity the poor woman who was having her morning swim when all of a sudden a cow broke through her garden fence and fell into the pool.
Strange what some people will do to get a baby. I mean me personally, I’d just stick my cock in. Over in India it seems people do things a little differently. Some tosser in the town of Hisar hammered a nail into a woman’s head thinking it would give him a son.
Kate Moss, what a tellytubby.
Radio 1’s Tim Westwood on Twitter recently – and I kid you not. “Feel like chillin’ in this hotel allnite orderin’ steak on room service and watching some pay per view with the lights out wearin’ my sunglasses. How his dad a vicar must be so proud of his 51 year old son.
And also strange what some people will do for a pet. Rose and Chris Rassmusen who live in London travelled 4000 miles to Michigan in the States to adopt a kitten they’d seen on line. Have they not heard of your local paper?
I’m sorry, but I thought The Apprentice star Ben Clarke swallowing a live goldfish out of a wine glass was the funniest thing I’ve seen in years. I mean come on lads, we’ve all eaten a bit of fish before haven’t we?