Dan Prince talks about scarecrows and sausages…
Loved the story about the guy having a barbeque and was hit by a bolt of lightening. All he could say for hours was ‘sausages’. But who the hell has a barbeque in a thunderstorm?
Pete Doherty – bailed for £50,000 until August 11th for his latest drink driving/not stopping when asked to pull over by the police and possession of Heroin. This time it’s porridge. Shame he doesn’t wash or those showers could have been interesting.
Another stupid poll, King’s College London have revealed half of Brits do not know where their heart is. Fuck that, I don’t even where my cock is.
So the burglars who broke into a lorry in Kilby, Northampton must be proud with themselves. Whilst the driver slept they smashed their way in. And then stole 30 cases of Sugar Puffs.
David Guetta and Kelly Rowland appearing on Good Morning with Peter Schofield – the poor guy didn’t know what to make of their cardboard club set they’d made him to DJ in.
In my day, university was the place where teenagers finally learnt to look after themselves. So what the fuck is these intensive residential courses all about where parents send their kids to learn how put a duvet cover on, what boiling water looks like, how to turn on a grill, how to peel a potato, how to separate white and colourful clothes for laundry – one student at a course in Hemel Hempstead didn’t know you had to put water in a pan before cooking Pasta. The ‘How To Survive Uni Without Mum’ starts at £179. Now if I was running a course like this it would things like what the best thing to get from a chemist to cover love bites, where the cheapest off license is to campus, what the best drinks to mindsweep the bar at the end of the night, which web sites are best to cheat at course work at and why, at the end of the day, Degrees, these days, get you fuck all in the big bad world my friend.
It would be nice to tell the kids something that they will be proud of later in life. Like the couple from Dorset who last weekend won The World Stinging Nettle Championships. Aww, the kids must think the world sings out of their smarting arses.
I knew the Welsh were morons. Last week in a club in Swansea, 2510 people dressed as Smurfs crammed in to a nightclub – apparently the record wasn’t verified until 1am as every Smurf had to be seen not showing any natural skin. I would rather sit indoors knitting a woolly condom.
So this report that men spend three years of their lives pottering around in their sheds and garages and think of it as ‘man time’. Man time? That to me is telling the missus I’m off to the loo and having a quick hand shufty.
Spandau Ballet’s album sales soared this month by 415% since the announcement of their ComeBack Tour. I’ve been sitting here for an hour trying to work out, does that mean last month they sold 4.15 records?
Them Germans have got it spot on haven’t they when it comes to school security? A school over there have hired ‘human scarecrow’ Daniel Thomann, 46, to stand in a playground after three children were attacked by rooks at the nursery in Murg. Get someone with a fucking, not a straw nob.
Paul Conroy, the Bristol guvnor steps up to take the piss.
I think it’s fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks.
I really do think the world is becoming a more dangerous place; only yesterday I walked into Asda and punched someone in the face.
Jordan says she is glad to get rid of her third tit and second c**t – Peter fucking Andre. What a wet fart that man is, but it’s good to see he can channel the way he feels through a song – when they first met in the jungle ‘Insania’, when they got married ‘I love you baby’ and more recently ‘I’m going to fucking kill you, you balloon breasted slapper’
They say you can Google just about any question and get a result, WRONG! How do you remove a Hamster from a Hoover Bag? No result.
I really fancy a horse at this year’s Royal Ascot: ‘Gala Evening’ running in the 4.55 Ascot Stakes Handicap.. What a great arse and dirty smile. Ding dong!
Pete Doherty says he was never smacked as a child, well maybe one or two grams to get him to sleep at night.
The first of two Black Boxes has been recovered from the Atlantic at the site of the recent Air France crash… PILOT: “give us a toke on that mate”. CO PILOT: “no piss off ” PILOT: “I bet you if I drop the wheels I can knock the hat off that man in that boat down there.” CO PILOT: “A tenner says you cant…”
Why put a sticker in the back window of your car saying ‘baby on board’? What are you trying to fucking prove, I’ve got a baby and you haven’t? There should be a sticker available that I can put on my windscreen that says ‘You can stick your baby up your fucking arse because the driver behind you doesn’t give a fucking flying fuck.
Looking forward to the new iphone on the market soon, new features on the thousand gig phone include a toaster and a hairbrush and it is also capable of making a cup of tea bringing you the paper and fetching a ball.
Who thinks employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time?
Ibiza 2009 has arrived and this year promises to be another belter. More sound system noise pollution restrictions, a much heavier Guardia Civil presence and due to a global recession – clubs only charging 60 fucking euros for a glass of lemonade. A holiday to the White Isle (bit racist that) can be done on a budget. If you time it right a flight from the UK can cost as little as £60 and if you don’t go mad you wont need more than five grand spending money. If you are heading over to the world’s party capital I would recommend a good eating out experience in the beautiful surrounds of the historic Dalt Villa castle in Ibiza town – there you can choose from a fantastic array of restaurants and eat some amazing local sea food perfectly washed down with a bottle of vintage Rijoca. Then move on to the Lounge Bar in the busy square and enjoy a Hendricks and tonic with a slice of lemon and smile at some of the local characters walking past dressed in women’s attire. Following that hail a taxi and head for the infamous West End for a foam Party with Dave Pearce followed by a fight in the Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Got a phone call last week to do a gig at a fire station. Got there in good time on Saturday. Turned out it was a fucking hoax.
Britain’s last World War 1 soldier Harry Patch celebrated his 111th birthday yesterday with a traditional good old English cup of tea and a wank.