Dan Prince barks some crap about this loony world
The Swine Flu hitting Glastonbury. Well Michael, you will book Pete Doherty.
And on the subject of Glastonbury – isn’t it all awful how corporate and commercial the whole thing has become. Oh fuck me, how rock n’ roll is it that front page headlines from down Somerset way that Pixie Geldof changed her outfit twice in an hour. This weekender used to be like a scene from Mad Max – utter chaos. Now we have street lamps, mobile banks, charging points and everyone on their mobile phones. And as for Jo Whiley commentating on it for TV – she makes me want to puke.
Good news for my girlfriend. A new poll has revealed that people carrying a few extra pounds are more likely to live longer.
Nice of that couple in Essex who are trying to sell their home chucking in their classic Ferrari as part of the deal. I’m sorry dudes, you’d have to throw in the entire Formlula One cars to get me to buy a house in Essex. What a shithole.
Another mind disturbing poll. Bon Jovi’s ‘Livin On A Prayer’ is the top tune for stress-free driving. No wonder our car insurance rates are on the up and up.
Love this one. The woman who’s in hospital after one of her F-cup silicone breast implants exploded on a flight from Moscow to Los Angeles.
Most irritating things in life number 107 – Lady Gaga, what a silly cow.
Now if you have a spare £500 lying around, what do yo do with it? A nice holiday to the seaside, a splash out at Harvey Nicks, maybe a new i-phone or i-pod? So who is this real tosser over Colchester who paid £540 in auction for an eraser once used by Princess Diana?
There’s not many things I am jealous of in life, but this bull in Zoborie, Russia with two penis’s – what a lucky sod.
That Lorraine Kelly from morning TV is a strange one. She has decided to give women’s tennis at Wimbledon a miss this year because “it’s like listening to a herd of hippos having a gang bang.” Love, listening to you in a gang bang would be like listening to a scene out of Jurassic Park.
Bristol’s number one DJ Paul Conroy is having
a particularly bad day at the office.
“Lets get one thing straight, Michael Jackson made some of the best songs of our era, especially when he teamed up with producer Quincy Jones. He was a true Icon, unique and charismatic. He was thrown into show business at a very early age and was performing with his brothers on the world stage as a child. Like most musical geniuses he was eccentric off the stage and fucking brilliant on it. Around the time of the ‘Thriller’ album he started to look and act a bit weird, the plastic surgery, his clothes, the white glove, the chimp, then a fucking theme park in his back garden. And since his ‘Bad’ album he was never the same musically. He could still pull off a show and prove the press and his critics he was more than just weird. In the Early 90‘s during his ‘Dangerous’ tour he was phenomenal – proving he was a true global superstar and one of the best recording artists of our time. Over the last fifteen years he hasn’t really done a great deal and has been looking odd, the media have portrayed him a child molester, a weirdo, a fruit loop and a pervert – almost an American Gary Glitter who walks around in his pyjamas. He dies, the same media are now branding him the biggest thing since Jesus and won’t stop going on about what an amazing guy he was. Now all the radio stations who didn’t really play his songs are now playing them every ten minutes. Fickle as fuck! It is without doubt a sad loss. I was unsure at fifty he would be able to pull off those 02 shows in London, who knows? As others, I will always fondly remember him for his first catchphrase when he was in Different Strokes ‘what you talkin’ bout Willis’ and his more recent appearances on Bo Selector and his last catchphrase ‘Cha’mone Mother F*****s.
Funny seeing human pogo stick Heather Mills on Top Gear coming off the track, crashing into a wall and being cut out the car after leaving her foot on the accelerator during the celeb lap.
Ex-Smiths singer Morrisey stopped a gig when a fan threw beer at him and stormed off stage urging the crowd to turn in the culprit. A man was suddenly hurled forward by the crowd and guards even tried to lift him onto the stage, but all hell broke out when he resisted and eventually he was thrown out. Now in my eyes that beats any fucking Bruce Springsteen performance at Glastonbury.
Is it wrong to fancy the girl in the Roundtrees Randoms Ad?
Madonna has made a list of bizarre demands for her concert in Russia this summer. She is insisting on a team of female minders, twenty phone lines, a constant supply of blessed Kabbalah water, fresh leaf tea, organic lemons and a golf bag. I can understand the golf bag, but the rest is just fucking ridiculous.
Britain is now the official cocaine capital of Europe. Danniella Westbrook for Queen!
A computer program that predicts if and when men will go bald has been launched in the UK. The baldness calculator has already become a huge hit in Germany and can be found at baldnesscalculator.co.uk. What a complete waste of fucking time. A man can simply tell if he is going bald by looking to see if he has receding hairline in a fucking mirror and having mates that sneak up behind him and slap the top of his head shouting BALDEEEEE!
Bikinis and wellington boots were worn as an outfit by the fashion cons at this years Glastonbury. I’m glad I didn’t go I would have felt fucking awkward walking round dressed like that.
The Glastonbury Festival should be in Kent where the roads are less busy during the festival weekend.
I called Easy Jet to book a flight to Ibiza, the girl said ‘how many people are flying with you? I said ‘how should I know, It’s your fucking plane…. then the bitch hung up on me.
A contestant in the World Egg Throwing championship has been banned for using a bazooka. Brilliant.
Hull is now the unemployment capitol of Britain says new figures…well done Hull. It also came second in ‘Shithole Of The Year 2009’…Reading won it.
Firefighters in Worthing had to free a girl of two’s neck from a potty seat after it got stuck during toilet training – what the fuck was going on there?!”