Dan Prince takes a polite look at today’s modern society…
Thank fuck Radio 1 have booted Jo Whiley off her daytime slot. “I have had the most amazing time ever, the prospect of having a lie-in is rather exciting – not as exciting as the prospect of not having to listen to her whining Northampton drone every morning. Andy Parfitt, where is your hand, I want to grace it with gold coins.
I see Mighty Boosh star Noel Fielding, who is starring in the forthcoming film ‘I Spit On Your Rave’, has requested as many people as possible to arrive at The Big Chill Festival dressed as zombies to try and beat the World Record for the biggest collection of Zombies in one place, beating the current record 1227 people who turned up for some Halloween event in Nottingham last year. Noel love, you don’t need to ask people to come dressed up. Just go and stay in a nice comfy hotel for the weekend, have a massage, a nice Ploughmans and then set your alarm for six am Sunday morning and head off to the site. There’s your World Record of zombies pal without all the hassle of organising it.
I was walking down the road the other day when I found a pound coin on the pavement. Cool I thought. I’ll buy a paper. Yup there it was, page 12 with a story about some guy in America who bought a packet of fags on his credit card and his account was accidentally debited with $23,148,855,308,184,500 after a bank cock up. That was one paper thrown in the bin.
So you’re sitting in the pub with your mates, you’ve had a shed load and the conversation starts to go left of centre. Which is exactly what must have happened to pals Lawrence Toms and Lez Paylor in Wales who have decided to paddle across the English Channel in a canoe made of sheep shit.
I used to run a pub, no really I did. When takings were a bit low we’d put on something like a big chart band doing a turn, get a celebrity chef to come down and cook for a week (you know Delia Smith has a cracking rack, er of lamb that is) or maybe have a free drinks hour which meant everyone got pissed and continued drinking into the wee hours. So pity the poor folk who run the Milton Arms pub in Cambridge who have already put up their Christmas decorations to attract bookings for the festive season. Oh fuck off.
So you have time on your hands. Whaddya do? Go for a nice country walk, meet up with an old friend, do a jigsaw, make a nice fruit cake as a surprise for your gran. Or you follow the likes of the weird folk of Coalport in Shropshire who have created a Facebook site trying to nail the killers of Steve The Pub Goat. Rearrange these words you twats…Life A Get.
Dog owners who don’t pick their canine’s shit up in the park. There’s nothing I like better on a Summer evening then walking the mutts through pastures new and accidentally landing my brand new Adidas in a pile of steaming dog crap. The next time I am out, I am going to watch out for an owner letting his dog slip one out and walking away. I am then going to follow this wanker home, wait until he pops out to the shops and then break in, and doing a mighty shit all over his living room floor. See how he likes that the dirty bastard.
Poor old Sinitta is getting divorced from Andy Willner I see. “It is very sad” she claims, “but sometimes somebody does something and it disturbs you so much there’s no option but to end it”. Andy pal, let that be a lesson learnt. Never ever put ‘So Macho’ and ‘Toy Boy’ on the stereo when it’s all back to yours’ after a night out.
Now it’s well documented that people who live in Norfolk are either inbred or just fucking stupid. Well the burglars who broke into Massingham’s butcher shop in Wroxham definitely fall into the latter category. Ignoring a cash till stacked full of cash, the nobs instead scooted out with boxes of Pasties.
A satellite porn channel is advertising on the JobCentre Plus website for a part time ‘semi nude’ host in London. Sorry, I’m confused here. A semi nude? Does that mean if I went for the job I would have to present the show with my cock at half mast?
I like the Americans today. Generous folk they are. I mean, look at car dealer Mark Muller from Kansas who is offering a free AK-47 Assault rifle with every pick-up truck bought from his dealership. That is just sooooooooooo friendly.
Oh, did I miss the sentence ‘what a fucking arseole from the end of the last story?
When I was a kid, I used to love games like Hide & Seek, British Bulldog and Pirates. Good old fashioned games you know? Not like the kids of today. Take for instance the two lads from Tyneside who are now in intensive care at Newcastle General Hospital whose game backfired on them big time. The old ‘filling a remote controlled car with snails and then torching it’ game really went down not too well as they were engulfed in six foot flames suffering major body burns. Why couldn’t they just play ‘It’?
See Kate Moss has just taken delivery of a new ‘Sanarium’ sauna for her house. It’s a Nordic spa which is the latest advance in sauna technology which provides “a balanced combination of heat and humidity” which is gentle on vocal chords which I presume, is why model turned singer has spent a small fortune on this piece of kit to protect her old pipes. I love it when celebrities fork out stupid amounts of money on piles of shit. Kate. Love. If you want to protect your throat and singing voice, here’s a slightly odd suggestion but well, you never know…stop smoking 40 fags a day?
Blue band member Anthony Costa is worried about how his fans will react to his latest acting role – as a pervert who douses a prostitute with petrol on TV series Casualty. Duncan James coming out admitting he has bonked blokes and now this? Ticket sales going well lads I take it…
The winning Lottery last week were 9, 27, 28, 33, 39 and 41.
Us Brits are great. We are round the bloody bend. Take for instance KT Coates from Herefordshire who is launching an on line petition to get Pole Dancing trialled as an Olympic event at the London 2012 Games. I have my pen and ink at the ready dude, where do I sign?
Conroy Lets Loose…
How funny was it watching Peter Andre’s performance at T4 On The Beach on Sunday – fucking hilarious, that’s what it was. It was like a one man live audition for The Chuckle Brothers in front of a bunch of screaming girls. I bet Jordan was watching at home and pissing herself when he almost fell off the fucking stage. His new single is called ‘Behind Closed Doors’ and on first listen, that’s where it should stay.
Britain’s war against drugs is apparently on the brink of collapse so say the experts. Don’t know about you, but I didn’t realize there was a fucking war on? What’s the latest…a box of Anadin has taken three people hostage in the Brixton branch of Boots and is demanding cigarettes and a helicopter?
It’s 2009, the year of the credit crunch. Restaurants and pubs are closing off peak, job losses and pay cuts are becoming the norm and because of a cost cutting exercise, am I right in thinking that if you phone the Samaritans you now get through to a fucking call centre in Pakistan?
“Hello is that the Samaritans?”
“Yes it is.”
“Well I’m feeling suicidal”.
“I see, can you fly a plane?”
Henry Allingham, the worlds oldest man, died last week at the grand old age of 113. In his lifetime he has witnessed the death of Queen Victoria, the first aircraft flight, the sinking of the Titanic, the invention of the TV, two World Wars, the first man on the moon, the internet revolution and the death of Michael Jackson – the week the poor old sod pops his clogs, Peaches Geldof releases a new bra and knickers range…unlucky mate.
Love the story in the papers last week about the lorry driver in Cornwall who misread a left turn on his Sat-Nav and drove straight into the fucking sea. Funny.
Never trust people who start a sentence with ‘oh my god’. They have watched far too many episodes of ‘Friends’ and ‘Sex And The City’ and even the simple things in life like going to the shops will turn out to be ‘a fucking nightmare’ – or making a cup of tea will turn out to be a ‘you would not believe’ drama.
The Big Brother housemates are so dull this year Channel 4 have had to put new housemates in to liven the fucking show up. Is that not just a little bit desperate? These are obviously housemates who were rejected in the first place and if you watch the flagging show you will see why, because they are even more annoying than the ones already in there. It’s a bit like watching the cricket on telly only for the game to be stopped and the teams to be replaced half way through because the existing ones are shit. Big Brother producers should change the concept and the name of the show in my opinion, they could call it ‘ Big Shit’ and just film a turd. Now that I would rather watch.
On the subject of shit and an interesting question I always get asked every time I’m out or doing a gig, is why do Elephants, Camels, Cows, Horses and Michelle McMannus have their own special name for poo? With these animals it’s called ‘dung’ why is that? Well let me tell you the reason for this. Its because ‘dung’ differs slightly from the usual mammal mud out – DUNG (dictionary meaning – a Frisbee sized smelly mixture of poo and straw covered in flies. when dried can be worn as a comedy hat).
Still on the Subject of shit, why isn’t Lenny Henry funny anymore? I watched him on telly the other night and ironically he was as funny as world famine. This is a man who used to bring us characters like Trevor McDonut and Delbert Wilkins…hang on, come to think of it he was never really funny in the first fucking place.
Noel Edmonds is getting married. He will tie the knot with girlfriend Liz Davies this summer. Can you imagine what thats gonna be like? The ceremony will take place in Crinkly Bottom or Dingley fucking Dell, Mr Blobby will be best man and the priest saying ‘do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife…deal or no deal?’ A big red phone rings so the groom can get an answer off the banker… and in the congregation there are nine red boxes and any one of them could contain the fucking ring.
This Weeks What’s Hot And What’s Not.
Hot
Electric hobs on the cooker
A soldering iron
A Bunsen Burner
Not
Ice Cream
Liquid Nitrogen
Snow
