Bristol superstar DJ Paul Conroy Let’s Rip
I took my mum up The Shitter on Sunday…she loves that pub.
Well done Jeremy Clarkson for calling Gordon Brown a cunt in front of a studio audience. I will now start watching Top Gear again. And what the fuck is going on with Richard Hammond’s hair? It looks like Nicky Clarke has been let loose on that poor bastard after a night on the gear.
Talking of cunts (this time a fat one), Kerry Katona has been dumped by her husband Mark Croft who told his pals “she’s turned into a lard arse – I’m not going to bed with that”. Can’t argue with that. His other reasons for getting rid are probably because she is a pig faced, self-centered irritating cow with a fucking annoying whiney voice…
Heavy Metal band Metallica have vowed to keep on playing until they die. Let’s hope that’s soon then. I reckon if they released the sound of a plane crashing as their new single no fucker would notice. But if they were on that plane, it would be the first Metallica single I would pay money for and happily listen to.
Went to see David Beckham play football last week. A nice little friendly game against AC Milan. It was a bit boring to be honest so I decided to shout from the crowd “I’m fucking your mum you fucking English cock faced Posh Spice shagging wanky shit arsed twat”. You should have seen his face, he went mental.
More misery as British Soldiers are killed by the Taliban. I’ve said this before and I will say it again, you might think it’s just a laugh with your mates, but paint balling is really fucking dangerous.
Supermarket beer prices are starting to overtake pub sales, this is simply because it’s a lot fucking cheaper to get pissed if you go to Asda to get your booze rather than The Shitter. Plus at home you can drink on your own in your own time, have a fag when you feel like it, get a take away, watch a film, have a couple of wanks and fall asleep in a chair before spilling drink all down you. You can’t do any of that in a pub, well not the pubs round my way. I don’t think it will be long before supermarkets have their own darts team and you get served by a fat married couple with shit tattoos and an Alsatian dog.
Gone are the good old days of a fat man wearing a velvet bow tie and a dinner jacket punching you in the face and breaking your jaw for wearing a pair of jeans to a nightclub. A new scheme already in place in some clubs in London is giving doormen the power to issue fixed penalty notices. How fucking stupid can you get? And what the fuck for? What next, a £60 on the spot fine payable within fourteen days or you lose your knee caps because you’re wearing trainers and jeans with fucking rips in? It’s almost as bad as issuing anyone who joins the TA with some grenades and a gun.
Madonna do us all a favor and pack it in love. Not only do you look like a dancing walnut with arms, legs, hair and a hideous camel toe. Your music is shit as well. How about moving on – and come to think of it, how about a clear out of all the other has-beens out there who can’t sing anymore and look shit on a stage? I take my hat off to Michael Jackson for leading the way.
“One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”. The words of astronaut Neil Armstrong as he slipped his leg out of a Lunar Module and placed his foot on the moon for the very first time during the pioneering historic space mission in 1969. To celebrate this event forty years on what do we do in the UK? We send a fucking piece of cheddar cheese up into space in a weather balloon and lose it. You can’t make this shit up.
I haven’t watched Eastenders for ages. I know the ratings have been low recently, but when the BBC voice over announced “a big blow for Christian next in Eastenders”, I thought I can’t fucking watch that. Disgraceful.
Dan Prince Is Still Scratching His Head At This Crazy World
Are Americans the biggest dickheads in the world?
Fact 1:
Starbucks in Seattle are now trying to entice customers into their outlets with special poetry readings.
Fact 2:
They get Mel B.
Fact 3 :
Some prick over there has just revealed at a University that a nice sauna, massage, cup of tea, walk on a beach, a goodnight kiss isn’t a main way to avoid stress – it’s smelling a mango.
Fact 4 :
Customers now have to sign a waiver to buy a Chilli ice cream in North Carolina.
Fact 5 :
Cops shot dead a pig running around a shopping mall in Florida last week.
I love Glastonbury. It’s how a festival should be – mud, rain, wellies, amazing bands and loads of drugs. And that’s why it pisses me off when you hear about the organisers of the V Festival which takes place next month hiring celebrity hair stylist Jim Shaw to give VIP guests’ a hair makeover in a special area. I have said it before and I will say it again, corporate companies are ruining the festival scene.
Can anyone name one person from this year’s Big Brother?
Paying taxes is great isn’t it? My cousin in Essex (yes she is a slapper) has just been sent a letter telling her that her local council thanks her for her continued contributions to funding her county and thanks to people like her, a footbridge destroyed in 1939 amid war invasion fears has finally been restored in the village of Brightlingsea. Sorry, erm, schools, hospitals, the homeless – I’m just speechless.
And whilst we’re on the subject of people in power that dictate our lives, there is a new poll just out. It tells us that teenagers going into hospitals after overdosing on Covcaine has soared by 400% in the last ten years. The same poll reveals that a staggering 8% of 11-15 year olds had taken drugs within the last month and 60% said they had drunken more than 4 units of alcohol in a day. I just don’t get this – when will people realise that life is shit for young people nowadays, yes – people do take drugs and drink too much – it’s because it’s too easily accessible. Oh, and it’s fun.
Piers Morgan. He has his faults and he has his assets when it comes to interviewing people. But if I was him mum, I would have to say to him when he popped around for Sunday lunch after interviewing Jordan/Katie Price/big knockers on TV, ‘please Piers, wipe that poo off your nose”.
Oh and on the subject of Katie, during her interview with Piers on July 11th on ITV “this is the only interview I will do”. Oh, really? Well there is a great imposter out there love, could have sworn I saw you on Loose Women and GMTV a few days later whilst I was munching on my cornflakes. Weird.
So deadly chipmunks are invading Britain I see. Sorry, but Kayako Saeki from the Grudge film has been around for years.
Loved the story about the guy who nicked a car in Manchester and then legged it at a set of traffic lights when he looked in the rear mirror and saw an 88 year old Granny sitting in the back.
France has some stupendous restaurants. I love Alain Ducasse at the Hotel Plaza Athenee, Le Meurice overlooking the Tuileries Garden, Le Dali under its giant canvas, Le Cinq at Hotel George V and L’Espadon at The Ritz. But fuck me. Pity the poor diner over there who is suing a restaurant who bit into a piece of ‘tough cheese’ and discovered it was a used condom as it slid down his throat.
Yup, here we go again. Poll time. Some prick with more time on his hands has revealed to us that Brits own on average nine cars in their life. Right, let’s put this into perspective. You are at school, looking at the big picture – a life exploring so many opportunities, a career going anywhere, making the most out of life. And then, you go home to your wife after work and say, ‘oh love, you won’t know what I have found out today. Brit’s own on average of nine cars in our lives.’ I would be looking for the knife drawer immediately.
Birmingham. The middle of England. A shithole. Full of orange tans, guys wearing clothes that make them look like arseoles, a crap canal, a motorway exit that Sat Nav just ignores and an accent that puts Wales to shame. Loved hearing then about all of these fake condoms that were pulled from the shelves from chemists the other day. Condoms? Birmingham? Nah.