Bristol B-Boy DJ Gets Out Of Bed And Shouts It About
Was It only me who thought Creamfields was part of a dairy farm in Devon?
Shame about Oasis.. but got to be honest I wasn’t really a big fan as they never had anything in my size.
I heard Chris Evans on the radio yesterday… he was sounding rusty.
Big Brother is to be taken off the air after shit viewing figures this year – due to sexual equality, It will be replaced at the same time next year by a similar format, but a Lesbian version called Big Sister. Ten short haired women in flat shoes and rugby shirts will be filmed in the house doing tasks like putting shelves up and making home made beer. There will also be the normal evictions, but there will be a pint drinking contest judged by Davina Mcall and Paul Van Dyk.
Madonna’s toyboy DJ boyfriend’s career has flopped. On a recent gig in Pacha the place was dead and his set was shit… I thought Judge Jules was married?
‘More Troops Enter Jordan’ said the paper headlines.. you can’t help feel sorry for Peter Andre, she’s really taking this too far now.
Playing on-line poker is like being mugged safely with no one else involved in the comfort of your own home.
Batman has been named the greatest Superhero of all time, beating Spider-Man, Captain Birdseye, Dangermouse and Superman to the top spot of a Sci-Fi poll. What a load of bollocks. It’s fucking clear as daylight the best super hero of all time was Hong Kong Phooey because not only was he a Janitor dog who did a spot of Kung Fu, he was also faster than the human eye… which I think is fucking clever.
Fuck me, Dr Who has changed since I was a kid. If I remember rightly, Noel Edmonds was the Doctor on a Saturday night back in the day. It’s now a totally different TV show apart from the Tardis and the Darleks. In the new series to be screened next year, we have yet again a new Doctor, I think it’s going to be Tony Blackburn and this time, instead of just wheeling around corridors covered waving a sink plunger about shouting ‘exterminate’ all the fucking time, the Darleks have a new roll taking on the Nazis! By the way, the German for exterminate is ‘ausrotten’ which sounds shit when shouted through a bit of tin on wheels.
“Lady Ga Ga’s boyfriend says she is shit in bed… he says even when it comes down to a simple blow job he has to do all the work, he’s got to poke her face.”
BBC presenter Ashley Blake from Watchdog and Midlands Today has been jailed for two years after hitting a 17 year old boy in the face with a patio umbrella. If anyone has it on video remember You’ve Been Framed give you £250 for funny shit like that.
Aren’t restaurants lovely? They serve food and everything and you don’t even have to cook or wash up, think I’ve been missing out all these years.
Fuck third world poverty. A biscuit that can be dunked for up to six minutes has been invented by a 44 year old bloke who claims it is virtually unsinkable. He also says there is nothing more off-putting than biscuit mush in the bottom of your mug. Well Mr 44 year old, no life biscuit inventor bloke I have some fucking news for you. Firstly A Wagon Wheel with is wrapper on is unsinkable. Secondly, there is something more off-putting than biscuit mush in the bottom of your mug, how about my Nan’s toenail clippings for starters?
Northern Girls please don’t ‘pull your g strings down south’ have you not smelt Plymouth?
‘Tie me up and do what you want’ my girlfriend said to me in bed on Sunday morning… so I did what she requested with some rope, fucked her sister, then played a round of golf followed by a roast dinner and a few beers.
Dan Delivers…
A lap dancing club in Basildon, Essex is looking for a license to hold wedding ceremonies there. Oh how proud all those parents and grandparents will be watching their sons and daughters whilst gyrating around a big pole. But that’s enough about my cock.
Another great and valuable new survey – this one reveals to us that women now think it OK to wear a miniskirt up to the age of 40. Girls, if you haven’t got a ring on your finger by that age, I’d walk round in naked.
Oh dear. Samia from Coronation Street finding a corpse in a van outside her home. Well you can’t help feeling sorry for scriptwriters wanting to commit suicide working on such shit shows.
Lucie Jones on X-Factor. Well put it this way, my local shop has run out of Kleenex.
A boy of nine was found by police last week in Stroud (shithole) with 17 bottles of lager. So?
I love positive thinking. Business men and women who really want to push their company on . The owners of The Ship Pub in Barry, South Wales (another shithole) have just put up a Christmas Tree “to give our regulars something to look forward to”. A tree. Brilliant. In September. Not maybe some great live bands and DJs, themed nights, happy hours, strippers, film nights, Sky Sports, getting a load of fit models to work behind the night, poker nights, Charlotte Church doing a guilty pleasure night – no. A tree. I give this place until, oh, erm, until December 26th?
R&B megastar Chris Brown claims he and ex Rihanna “can still be pals” – what, pen pals?
Oasis breaking up. Yawn. I bet your bottom dollar this is a press scam for a huge stadium tour next year.
We all love wandering down the street, maybe picking up a coin off the floor, saying good morning to passers by, breathing in that fresh air. So this dude in Sweden who was going for his morning paper and looked up to see a six year old kid falling out of a window from seven floors – and catching him in his arms – well fuck me.
We spend so much money as tax payers on these stupid surveys, it drives me crazy. Here’s a good one revealed this week by Oxford University students. Tigers are cleverer than lions. Find me a window – and I’ll go head first.
Nice to see Dizzee Riscal getting behind our England Ashes heroes. “I would rather eat glass than watch that shit.”
That wanker who has used the same phone box to make 700 hundred fake phone calls over the past twelve years to the police in Nottingham – aren’t our British Constabulary great? Oh I don’t know, maybe putting camera surveillance in there?
I got off with Gordon Brown last week.
Have you heard about this new London freak show? My favourite is the young girl who picks up everything – and I mean everything – with her tongue, not her hands. I have obviously forwarded her my mobile number to her.
This Lady GaGa shit is weird…”I have both male and female genatalia, but I consider myself female. What, because you can iron a dress?
I see The Duchess of York has been taken to court in the past year for £21,539 by companies for unpaid bills. Good on you Primart.