Bristol’s finest Mr Paul Conroy Get’s On His Soap Box And Dishes The Dirt
The Jeremy Kyle show, I would rather make my sister pregnant with my dad looking on than watch that toss.
Robbie Williams has been re-united with Take That at fucking last. I don’t know about you, but now I can sleep at night and stop taking Prozac during the day. All they need to do now is to re-unite the Beatles by shooting Paul McCartney and the other one.
Gay magazine Attitude has drawn up a list of sportsman with the ‘camp factor’ and Ashley Cole has made the top 10. Now what’s camp about sticking a mobile phone in a condom and shoving it up your dinner dumper in a hotel room and getting your mates to give you a buzz?
Girls who think they look like Jordan. No you don’t you look like a fucking cheap slag.
White people who talk like they are black – stop now ‘cos black people think you are a twat.
Automatic hand dryers – metal pieces of shit on a wall.
Cage Fighters – gay.
Mayonnaise – tortoise shit. The faces the X Factor judges pull when an act is crap, pathetic.
The Jet Hotel in Ibiza, overpriced smelly shit hole.
Women who have Botox Parties, losers.
Rugby players who go out in town with blazers and tie on, cunts.
Natalie Cassidy – the girl who played Sonia in Eastenders, ding fucking dong.
Bits of skull believed to be Adolf Hitler’s are believed to be female say experts…that fucking explains a lot.
Apparently if you own a digital box you need to retune your telly this week or face blackout. Now with the shit that appears on my TV every day I think a blackout is a vastly improved service, which I will fucking look forward to watching with bells on.
‘You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life, see that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen’ – Ludwig Beethoven 1750
Madonna wants to marry her toy-boy lover called Jesus, Think of the confusion if they got married in a church, especially with that fucking adopted baby in the mix. She’s 51 he’s 22 so imagine what it must be like for him when she want’s a bit of young man action…a bit like chucking a bag of tools into a work van.
Most years the best thing about the MOBO’s is normally when it’s over and watching the VIP’s trying to get into the after party and being told to ‘fuck off you’re not on the list’ by a fat doorman who ends up threatened to get shot. The ceremony itself is normally (a) pointless (b) dull. To liven up this year’s show Tim Westwood says he is ‘planning a Kanye’. He was quoted as saying ‘if Trevor Nelson wins, I’m going to go on stage and smack him in the face’…so lets pray Trevor Nelson gets a fucking award this year.
A talking hamster and an electronic kitten are set to be among the top ten kids toys this Christmas say leading retailers. What fucking leading retailers? Tandy!! Kids don’t want shit like that for Christmas. These so called leading retailers are far far from being down with the kids…what your average kid wants for Christmas is (1) to get pissed up (2) to happy-slap someone on the top deck of a double decker bus whilst a mate films it on a mobile (3) class A drugs (4) a house party while their parents have gone away which involves puking, shit sex and wrecking the fucking place (5) a blade (6) fags (7) a loaded ipod (8) a stolen laptop (9) stabbing (10) swine flu.
Dan Prince Decides Who Is An Absolute Plonker This Week
Interesting story about the Indian cricket coach who has urged his national team to fuck before a game to “increase energy and aggression” on the field before a match, and if you haven’t got a partner “go solo’. It’s no wonder the Indian Cricket Team can’t bat their way out of a bag of crisps.
Sometimes you wake up in the morning and get some really good news. A nice letter from a friend, a kind e-mail – the fact that the dogs didn’t shit on the kitchen floor. Then you get the newspaper through the letter box yesterday and find that the German government have provided nudists their own 11 mile trail to hike on through the Harz Mountains. Girlfriend, fuck Ibiza, I’m off to Germany.
Women soldiers in Sweden have complained to their bosses about their amy-issue bras keep coming undone. Darlings, are your bosses male by any chance? Where do I sign up?
I see Asda’sfour cheese pizza has been reduced 43p to £1.
I love a nice romantic story or film. A happy ending you know? Like ex-teacher Margarita Parfenova in Russia aged 60 who used her ex-lover’s initials to spell her new name – Ms Sporzhzh. I bet her new fella just loves lying in bed pummeling her arse knowing that he is fucking someone who has shegged Sasha, Pavel, Olga, Radoslav, Zoya, Hirina, Zinaid and Hev.
Love the story about the dozy traffic warden in Darwin, Australia who put a ticket on a dog who was tied in a no-parking zone.
I love people with ambition. You know, children growing up wanting to be a nurse or a rocket scientist – then you get fucking nobheads like Ray Kurzveil who has spent his life inventing machines which he believes will allow people to e-mail toast and live forever. I give up.
i don’t know about you, but I keep a jack, a rug and some shit CDs in my car boot. Not like the guy in Bari, Italy who was caught living in his car with 1700 live animals housed there, including 300 white mice and 1000 terrapins. Single mate?
I have sent a letter to Downing Street to see whether Prime Minister Gordon Brown would like to be my pen pal. Fingers crossed.
This is the first year I have missed the Munich Beer in years. And trust my bloody luck. This year there was a kissing competition that (get the name!) Marco Wanke won, kissing 1012 women in two days to scoop the trophy.
I have been to so many weddings this summer and had some great vicars, male and female take us through proceedings. Cheekiest line? At one of my friend’s where the vicar said, “the next hymn was chosen by the bride, although it’s clearly not about her – ‘All Things Bright And Beautiful’.”
That Cherie Blair is fit isn’t she?
Mi Wai, a student from China snogged a guy so hard her eardrums burst. Lucky chap. I’m over the moon if my girlfriend makes the bed these days.
Am I getting old, but what the fuck are Space E pills?
I see Chris Brown has claimed he an ex-Rihanna “can still be friends”. Sure mate. Buy a bottle, put a letter in it and throw it in the sea, who knows…