Dan Prince Throws His Rattle Out Of His Pram (Again)
Girlfriends who insist on Christmas Trees. Fine love. You go and buy the soddin’ thing, get pine needles all over your car and vacuum them up, struggle getting it in the house, put the fucker up, buy a load of overpriced baubles and hang ’em up whilst you’re in the bath singing Christmas carols, spend a fortune on lights, walk round a freezing town looking for a frigging fairy and then spend four hours sweeping all the needles off your floor when it’s all over. And then having a dead rotting tree on your front lawn for two months. Christmas, stick it up your arse.
Tiger Woods. First time he’s had a hole in seven.
Is it wrong to have a slight crush on David Gest?
See England had a good Draw last week. Yup, that dealer from Clapham came up trumps again.
I have been pondering for weeks what to get my girlfriend for Christmas. Whoever invented these inflatable cleavage boobs for a fiver, dude, I owe you a pint.
Watching the news tonight. Apparently red heads can travel for free on ‘New Strawberry Buses’ in Wigan from now on. Oh, forget the old age pensioners, children, disabled people and single parents – just let Chris Evans and his family hop on for a freebie.
Another cracking poll reveals that one in five Christmas ordered on line turn up late or not at all. Erm, well here’s an idea. Get off your lazy fat arse and go down the shops.
People who do World Records to get the Guinness Book of Records. Like bus driver Fred England who played snooker non stop for 51 hours in Liverpool. I bet that was the best 51 hours of his wife’s life.
See London’s resident’s are getting in the festive spirit again. Some cunt has just paid £549,000 for a house in Shepherds Bush (a shithole) that is 1.6metres wide. I kid ye not.
Love to be related to Ronnie Wood at the moment.
The Bristol DJ Who Wows The Ladies Gives Us A Chuckle…
Next time you are having a bad day imagine this. You are a Siamese Twin. Your brother on your shoulder is gay and you’re not. He has a date coming and you only have one arse.
Dating Agencies cut the bullshit profiles and save us the embarrassment of meeting on-line monsters. Here are some popular words used decoded.
ADVENTUROUS – Slut
ATHLETIC – No Tits
30 SOMETHING – 41
FUN – Annoying
WILD – Get’s pissed easily
BEAUTIFUL EYES – Ugly
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR – Ex-Husband is a fucking nutter
NEW AGE – A smelly and hairy Mary.
HEADSTRONG – Argumentative
ENJOYS PUBS & CLUBBING – Alcoholic
GREAT PERSONALITY – Fat
LIKES GOING TO THE GYM – Fat
CURVY – Fat
CUDDLY – Fat
LIKES EATING OUT – Fat
LIKES NIGHTS IN – Fat
SLIM – Fat
The biggest selling Christmas toy – and god knows fucking why is the Robot Go Go Hamster which has sparked safety fears as it was found to be toxic. I am no expert, but surely if you remove its claws and stick it in a condom first, no damage can be done?
Can’t believe ‘I’m A Celebrity’ winner TV chef Gino D’Acampo was charged with animal cruelty for cooking and eating a rat. Almost every fast food outlet owner in the UK must have shit themselves when that news came through.
Is it me, or are all Lady GaGa’s records’ a big heap of horse shit?
Top Gear’s Richard Hammond almost killed himself again, this time almost driving over a cliff while filming the Top Gear Christmas special. If he had gone over the cliff in Bolivia with the other two in the back of the car, that would be one Christmas special we would all love to see.
If Stacy Solomon doesn’t win X Factor on Saturday, do you think she will grab the mic off Dermot O’Leary and shout ‘Bovvered, am I Bovvered tho, does the face look Bovvered’?
La Roux singer Elly Jackson believes Jedward owe her royalties for copying her trademark quiff. If that’s the case, Ross Kemp would make a fucking fortune suing all the boneheads in the UK for copying the Grant Mitchell peanut skull. But we all know the Jedward look was inspired by Cameron Diaz in the movie ‘There’s Something About Mary’ when she gets spunk in her hair.
If there is anyone in your family you can’t fucking stand, buy them the new Cheryl Cole album for Christmas and fingers crossed they will never speak to you again.
I love Christmas though. A man was caught on CCTV nicking toys and a Christmas tree from Santa’s grotto in a shopping centre in North Wales. A policeman in Bristol is caught nicking computer games from a shop by hiding them under his stab vest. Santa is beaten up and mugged in Liverpool. No Christmas lights in Portland in Dorset because of ‘Health And Safety’ issues and because it’s a fucking dump. Shit Christmas lights in Bristol. Ten grand’s worth of Christmas trees stolen from a garden centre in Norwood, South London… and it’s raining.
Any friends who piss you off, buy them vouchers to spend anytime at Threshers.
Tiger fucking Woods, you dark horse…18 holes and a couple of birdies sounds like an average Saturday night, you dirty bastard.
A Spaceship for tourists was unveiled by Richard Branson in California this week. He said he will take his family on the first trip in 2011. They are said to be over the moon. Beats a fucking balloon anyway.
England Fans will be asked to pay £50 to offset their Carbon footprint flying to next year’s World Cup in South Africa. What a load of fucking bollocks that is. It’s like being robbed without a knife involved. And when they do arrive in South Africa, you will probably get robbed with a knife involved so you can’t fucking win.
Mary Mary quite contrary
How does your garden grow?,
With silver bells and cockle shells
And pretty maids all in a row…
… it would have been alot easier if she said none of your fucking business you nosey bastards, now leave me alone before I get the Police rather than going on about cockles and silver bells sounding like a fucking fruit loop.