THE BEST TO GET ARRESTED FOR 2009
Me being a big child, I asked my next door neighbours kids if I could join in with their water fight in the garden on Sunday. You should have seen them shit themselves and run inside when I started boiling the kettle
I took my girl friend up The Shitter on Sunday… she loves that pub.
Just bought my Epileptic mate a strobe light for Christmas. He’ll have a fucking fit when he sees it.
The story of the baker who refuses to inscribe the name of a three year old on his birthday cake in Holland as she thought the name was inappropriate. The little boy’s name? Adolf Hitler.
Just sent Heather McCartney the ‘One Foot In The Grave’ box set for Christmas, hope she likes it.
It has just been revealed that chips are good for you, containing more Vitiman C than oranges. I bet that Jamie Oliver feels like a right cunt.
If toast always lands butter side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap buttered toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
By the way, does anybody wanna buy a dead cat with a slice of buttered toast on it’s back?
My Mum is constantly nagging me to get married, I really think she is going to have to meet me half way and divorce my Dad first.
What goes ‘oh oh oh’? Santa walking backwards! Tish boom.
Another money saving tip this Christmas, do what I do and return last year’s cards to the sender with the inscription ‘same to you’.
According to a new survey, three out of every two people in the UK are shit at Maths.
Why do celebrity mystics like Mystic Meg never win The Lottery?
My last girlfriend told me I used to make love like I’m decorating. I said, “what slow smooth strokes and a lovely finish?” She said “no, you just bang it up there, leave a fucking mess and I have to finish the job off myself”.
I was in the car with my nan on Monday and she was screaming at me “the roads are wet, we’re going too fast, we’re gonna die!’. So I said, “that’s enough, pull over, I’ll drive”
Is it wrong to fancy Peter Andre?
Hitch Hikers – improve your chances of getting a lift by NOT dressing up as a hunt saboteur and waving half a cardboard box at passing cars.
People who drive Smart Cars stand back and take a good look at yourselves, yes you look like pricks. If I see someone in a Smart Car with the window wound down, I always go up to them and try to buy a newspaper.
British scientists have created a ‘liquid bone’ that can be injected into the body – they say the invention which has won an Innovation Award and could be in use in the UK by 2012 – what’s wrong with a good old fashioned cock?
A Vet in Kent removed pebbles from Marvin the dog’s stomach after he became ill. Not surprised he was ill as Pebbles was the name of the neighbour’s cat.
Call me an old romantic if you must, but the initials of the words Valentines Day speak for themselves. That’s what I will point out to my girlfriend before I dump the fucking slag on Saturday.
Why do racehorse owners give such shit names to their horses? I have just watched a race where Celestial Halo has just been pipped to the post by Palamer Foot Bang and Royal Pancreas Helmet. If I was a horse with a wank name like that, I would shit on my owners car and refuse to come out of the paddock. No wonder they have so much difficulty trying to get a racehorse into one of those horse boxes. I know I wouldn’t go up the ramp if I was called Calamity Toe Fish.
The stalker arrested outside Celine Dion’s house. Oh leave poor Stevie Wonder alone.
Went to see a musical at the weekend about a girl with diarrhea who gets raped by eight men in the back of an old car, it was called called ‘Pretty Shitty Gang Bang’.
Chaz and Dave have split up after 36 years together…they kept that quiet, I never knew they were married!
Two thugs nearly killed a family’s pet dog by giving it Ecstasy. Ten year old Trixie, a Staffordshire Bull Terrier suffered a severe reaction as her horrified owners looked on. They followed the dog to the Ministry of Sound where they saw it chewing gum and talking shit in the quuee before seeing it at a house party later pulling faces and talking more shit hugging randoms and doing coke to level her out.
See Chris Evans is selling some of his expensive flash cars to make way for a chicken coot in his garage. Well he had to get a fuck somewhere.
The Swine Flu hitting Glastonbury. Well Michael, you will book Pete Doherty.
Three blind mice, three blind mice, see how they run… into fucking walls I bet.
Two million Britons own jeans they bought more than 40 years ago it has been revealed. I didn’t know Wales had two million people living there.
I called Easy Jet to book a flight to Ibiza. The girl said ‘how many people are flying with you? I said ‘how should I know, it’s your fucking plane, then the bitch hung up on me.
Keith Floyd’s funeral on Monday. He’s being cremated…gas mark 7 for 45 minutes.
Gotcha! Noel Edmonds has been caught driving an unlicensed Taxi on a Bus lane in Bristol. And there was me thinking presenting Deal Or No Deal was his full time job?
Good news for my girlfriend. A new poll has revealed that people carrying a few extra pounds are more likely to live longer.
‘I wanna do the migraine skank
Lemme see the migraine skank
Two hands on your head thats the migraine skank’
– Those lyrics have been stuck in my head all week and have given me a right fucking headache.
Wayne Rooney coming out saying the Harry Potter books are his favourite reads’. I’d have said the Mr Men books are more up his street.
Love the story about the teenage fisherman dragged through the sea for five miles by a 34 stone Marlin fish. Mate, why didn’t you just let go?
There’s not many things I am jealous of in life, but this bull in Zoborie in Russia with two penis’s – what a lucky sod.
Britain is now the official cocaine capital of Europe. Danniella Westbrook for Queen!
I thing the The Glastonbury Festival should be in Kent where the roads are less busy during the festival weekend.
The Kings Of Leon are launching their own clothing range..what the fuck for? They look like they have all just fallen out a moving train and climbed back up the embankment…
Love the story about that ‘disturbed’ young gentleman who rushed into the ITN studios and stabbed himself in the stomach in front of the ‘model’ Jordan last week. Mate. You could have had a better aim.
Merry Christmas and a Very Happy Fucking New Year. Dan Prince and Paul Conroy. x (the kiss was from Paul by the way)