Conroy carves up all around him!
A man in Ipswich claims he can see Jesus in a piece of plastic he found in his back garden. Chris Nash believes it’s a holy piece of plastic that has special powers. He said he had a cold over Christmas but since then it’s cleared up and he has found a new job. Wow! He now plans to sell his new find on e-bay. I wonder if that’s because he hasn’t managed to turn water into wine or even walk on fucking water for that matter with his piece of plastic bollocks.
Marriage Guidance Councillor to couple: ‘Tell me something you both have in common?’ after a long silence husband replies ‘Well neither of us suck cock.’
I’m glad Simon Cowell is doing a record for Haiti victims, but a cover of ‘Boom! Shake The Room’ is a bit fucking harsh.
Just found some bondage gear, handcuffs, a size 16 nightie, a dildo, a soiled golf bag and a Tiger Woods putter in my girlfriends wardrobe .. should I be worried?
The rising price of British honey is being blamed on the rise in hive thefts…who in there right fucking mind steals bee fucking hives? I got stung by a bee once, £8 for a tiny pot of honey, bastard.
Oh, my old mans a dustman, he wears a dustman’s hat, he wears cor blimey trousers, and lives in a council flat…to be honest he’s a right fucking odd ball when he’s not on his medication.
What’s blue and yellow with a cunt attached to it? A Lidl bag.
Jedward stole the show at this years National Television Awards. That speaks fucking volumes.
Split up with my girlfriend last week. She said I think about football more than I think about her. I was devastated, I’ve been with her 12 seasons.
(The Day The Penis Asked For A Pay Rise)
I hereby request a raise in salary as I do physical labour at great depths. I don’t get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a wet environment in a dark place that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures and my work exposes me to contagious diseases. Yours Sincerely, P.Niss.
(Response)
After considering your request and the arguments raised, we reject it for the following reasons: You are mostly part time and fall asleep after brief work periods. You need to be stimulated into starting work and you always leave your workplace in a mess at the end of your shift and don’t observe safety rules such as protective clothing. You can’t work double shifts and you dribble alot.
Yours Sincerely. V. Gina.
Good sex should last for five hours says a new study…that’s got to be a miss print, surely they meant to say five minutes not hours? I’m not Sting.
A nervous man was recently restrained on an aircraft after trying to get into the cockpit of a plane from Cardiff to the Canaries…how embarrassing if that turned out to be the fucking pilot.
Apple unveil their latest gadget this week ‘the ipad’. I haven’t seen it yet but girls it sounds like the days of using tampax are over.
Farmer Ifor Humphreys gives his cattle four pints of locally-brewed beer everyday at his farm in Wales. He says it improves the flavor of his beef. It also improves the flavor of their piss which he also sells as local cider.
I Can still remember playtime at school. A bit of footy, sneaking a quick cigarette, the occasional pile-on, fighting in the playground, selling a bit of weed and trying to finger girls behind the bike sheds. I fucking loved that caretakers job.
Dan Prince farts in the face of anyone he can think of…
Is it wrong to wait around grocer shops waiting for young girls to buy bananas?
Weird how you never see Chinese or Japanese traffic wardens. Surely they make stilts in the Far East?
Michael Parkinson would get it, he’s looking really fit at the moment.
Lovely to see comedian David Walliam proposing to Lara whilst on holiday in Los Angeles. That’s one thing I love about LA, no let’s re-phrase that, it’s the only thing I love about LA – the fact they have such great dark sunglasses. In the photo of him popping the big question, Lara had a fine pair of shades on, which must have helped her say “yes” to his question, as she mustn’t have noticed what a fat cunt he is now.
Report in one of the big national with the headline – “Sometimes the law gets it so wrong you want to weep”. What’s this ‘sometimes’ word’ all about?
If I was going to stalk someone, erm, I’d choose someone like Adrianny Celeste, Ashley Greene, Holly Weber or Layla Kayleigh. Well I’d like to have a word with this woman who for the past year has been stalking tubby tubster Kerry Katona and just been done by the police. Unless, however she’s related to Stevie Wonder.
Sales of dog coats have increased 70% over the winter. No wonder people have no money these days. Stick a fucking bin bag over the pooch on your walks…
Lovely to see all these Hollywood stars writing cheques for millions of pounds for the poor people of Haiti. I bet they and their PR people didn’t even think that appearing on front pages around the world and all the TV exposure would boost their next film payments. No, I bet it never entered their minds.
Another great survey that poor rain sodden people have had to ask shoppers has just come out. Chelmsford, Portsmouth and Gloucester are the three towns/cities where people are most content to live in Britain. Hmm, let’s see. Chelmsford. Famous for footballers who are paid £150,000 a week living there and a town that’s most famous for being the place that the first ever ball bearings factory was opened. What a claim to fame. That’ll get me calling the estate agents Hamptons right away. Portsmouth. Okay I’ll give in to the fact that Jane Austen used Portsmouth as the hometown of the main character Fanny Price in her book Mansfield Park – just because the name Fanny is funny, but on the whole Portsmouth is just the roughest, souless, unpleasant place I have ever been to – and I’m from Oldham. Then we have Gloucester. I don’t give a shit if JK Rowling, Simon Pegg or Kate Thornton are from here. I wouldn’t walk the streets of Gloucester later than 3pm on my own – it’s that rough. No wonder Fred West settled here.
UFO’s. Well they’re not are they? It’s people who just don’t clean their cameras taking pictures.
Pete Doherty has a nice arse hasn’t he?
Love the story about the mother who admitted sniffing 12 cans of lighter fuel a day in front of her children and is now in prison. Love, a word of advice in future, BBC2 at 8.30am – CBeebies : Wibbly Pig, it’ll save you a fortune and a much healthier way to entertain them.
Woke up early last week to do my yoga and stretches, turned on the telly to see GMTV’s John Stapleton asking their viewers that today’s text question was “have you been troubled by rubbish recently?”. Well John, you’ve been on GMTV for what, ten years?
A spate of car crashes in Abu Dhabi is being blamed on women driving too slow. Well knock me down with a feather.
A cat who gained world wide success and fame for riding on buses by himself has been killed in a hit a run accident. Good.
Saw the headline in an American paper this week, ‘Tiger Woods Will Be Back In Spring’. Sorry if I’ve head my head buried in the sand recently, but I don’t recall any super model called Spring out there…