Dan Prince let’s one blow
I do feel sorry for Take That’s Mark Owen. Not about him shagging loads of women behind his wife’s back, just the fact he’s three foot four.
So David Beckham is out of the World Cup. Good. Brilliant, we may win it now.
A new law announced this week saying that people found drinking booze on buses will be barred. Hmmm, okay. So who’s going to drive these buses now?
Ronnie Wood is being helped to quit drinking by his friends Kate Moss, Mick Jagger and Rod Stewart. Good luck Ronnie, you’ve more chance of winning a modeling contract with these behind you.
B&Q have a great shed sale on at the moment.
Another great survey. Women at the age of 50 have a far better memory than men their own age it has been revealed. Have these women heard of the pub?
Is it me, or has Jeremy Paxman got an extraordinary big hooter?
Footballer Wayne Rooney of Manchester United fame is scoring goal after goal with his head. That lad need’s to be careful. He could really spoil his looks.
A snowstorm hit the island of Mallorca this week that caused havoc for two days. Dudes, you’ve had white powder splattering around your island for yonks.
Love the story about the family suing a company after their dad’s coffin had to be sawn down to fit in his grave in Italy. What a fatty.
I see a hotel guest hurled a TV from a third floor window after failing to get a porn channel in Hinterglemm, Austria. Dude, just because you didn’t have the opportunity to knock one out watching Niki Lauda bumming a cow, it ain’t our problem.
Superstar DJ Paul Conroy Says It How It Is…
Mothers Day on Sunday… spent it the traditional way – a bag of weed, a few lines of Columbia’s finest then off down the local to neck a few pints, popped down the bookies, stopped for a kebab, then back to mine to listen to some dubstep & grime then watched some dirty porn and did some bongs. And then I got her a taxi home.
What do women and clouds have in common? Occasionally they fuck off and it’s a really nice day.
Ant & Dec’s new show ‘TV Saturday evenings is aptly called ‘Push The Button’ because that’s exactly what I did when It came on. The one on the front of my telly marked ‘off’.
A boy comes down the stairs dressed in his best suit carrying a torch, his dad asks him where he’s going dressed like that? “On a date” his son replies. His dad looks puzzled and says “when I was dating I never used to take a torch”, ‘exactly’ says his son, “and look what you fucking ended up with”.
John Terry Taxis…’We will break a leg to get you from A to B’.
Chatting to a pig ugly girl in a bar in Oxford Street and she said “what does re-incarnation mean?” I told her it means when you die you come back as something else. So she said “when I die Im gonna come back as a dog”. I said, “your’e not fucking listening love”.
Driving across Salisbury Plain on Tuesday – what a bastard journey that was. I skidded on some garlic mayo, then some thousand island dressing and slid on some tomato salsa. They should put up some warning signs, that fucking road is full of hidden dips.
I wonder if St Patrick ever wore a Guinness hat, painted a shamrock on his face and went out on the piss, flashed his arse at every girl who walked past him, made a complete cunt of himself in a bar and ended up having a fight in a taxi queue?
Just sitting down to watch the footy, there’s a knock at the door, I open it, there’s two blokes standing there asking me what bread I eat. I told them I eat white bread, they then spent the next 30 mins banging on about brown bread…fucking hovis witnesses.
Cheryl Cole has revealed she is ditching the footballer sort and now looking for a man with Bermuda shorts and a belly. Looks like it will be fucking Christmas for her if she boards any Easy Jet flight from the UK this summer.
‘Rihanna spends over £500,000 a year on her body’, the papers and celeb mags have been banging on about this all week. I can’t see what all the fucking fuss is about. I would happily spend £500,000 for one night with that body and Rihanna’s head stuck on top.
My Girlfriend said she wanted a rape alarm. So this morning I held her down, covered her mouth, grabbed her hair and fucked her quickly…then whispered ‘It’s time to get up love’.
Is it wrong to give a Cat Mephedrone? It said meow-meow on the internet ad.