Dan Prince Gets It Off His Chest…
Down and out Will Young’s brother has told how he watched the singer on Pop Idol sitting with a load of tramps. Personally, I’ve heard back stage with all the contestants is a right laugh.
So Kylie Minogue has been voted the ‘Most Powerful Celebrity In The UK’ – bollocks, I could have her.
Holiday giants Thomson is to be the first mainstream tour operator to offer gay-friendly trips – and will also arrange civil partnership ceremonies for couples in Ibiza. There you are with five E’s down your throat, meet a girl, next thing you know you’re waking up in a pit of a hotel in San Antonio with a ring on your finger and something that looks like the remains of a car crash next to you. Great idea.
Every time I walk my local newsagent I keep seeing headlines on the front pages of newspapers, things like ‘No trial in secret for Venables’. Oh Terry, you’ve not been nicking sun beds again have you?
Teacher Dave King held his breath underwater for 8 minutes in Liverpool this week to become UK Free Diving Champion. They’ll do anything for a packet of ciggies up there.
A driver being chased by cops in America, jumped out of his car, jumped a huge wall and found himself standing in a prison yard. You’re safer in there cowboy.
Poor old Diego Maradona getting bitten on his face by his favourite dog. His wife must have been on her period?
Fuck me. A lady in the US won $30m dollars on an line slot machine. Days later she was told it was a software error. Serves her right the fat cow sitting for on her computer playing games. Get down the gym.
See Simon Cowell is getting married. Think of all that luggage he’ll have to check in, or will Sinitta be making her own way there?
That bloke who stopped breathing during sex when he asked his girlfriend to go on top and her 40LL boobs suffocated him. Luckily he was revived. She can’t understand why he dumped her. Love, it’s because he failed in his suicide attempt.
The police in the UK are great aren’t they. They swooped on a car in Oxford last week thinking they could see a bomb in it. It was jump leads.
Another mind boggling poll on the streets of England this week. Skint Brits are giving up their Sunday roast for cheaper nosh. Sorry people, you should live where I do, the girls on the corner charge at least a tenner for a good nosh.
Conroy Lets Rip…
How Ironic… looks like Lenny Henry will be finding out how comfortable a real Travel Inn is for the next six months.
Had to go to the doctors on Monday to get my aching testicles checked out. While the GP was cupping my balls, he said ‘Don’t worry, it’s quite normal to get an erection during this kind of examination’ I said ‘Fuck off I haven’t got an erection’ he said ‘No, but I have’.
Tiger Woods bed hopping antics are to be turned into a Hollywood movie. ’18 Holes No Wedding And A Funeral’ could be the title given to the film if Tiger Woods carries on the way he’s going.
Is it only me who finds Lee Evans fucking annoying? Running round on stage like a sweaty Norman Wisdom pulling the same predictable facial expressions and coming out with ‘observational humor’ for people who are fucking annoyingly short, sweaty and nervous. He was on telly the other night and was as funny as Aids..
I bought a Racehorse at the weekend and decided to call him ‘My Face’. I don’t care if he doesn’t win a race or make any money. I just want to hear all the posh totty at Ascot shouting ‘Cum On My Face!’
The 2010 Grand National takes place this weekend and my lucky tips are: 1) Lippity Fishnet. 2) Cinderellas Nightmare. 3) Ian Smith.
I wish someone had told me the music conference was in Miami this year. Because of a stupid misunderstanding last week in Minehead was one of the fucking worst and most boring of my life.
A couple who lit candles to create a romantic mood in their hotel room set fire to the Premier Inn in Weeley, Essex. Brilliant! Anyone think of a Kings Of Leon song to go with this story?
Pensioners. Yes we did have a cold snap last week and there was some snow and it did rain, but oh wasn’t it lovely on Easter Sunday and aren’t the nights getting lighter?
I tell you what. Sean Wright Phillips has had a good season and is clearly worth the money. I think Aston Villa were interested in him at some point, but to be fair have been a bit shit lately. You gotta feel sorry for Portsmouth. They have had a rough season, but fair play to them considering the financial shit that club are in… and I tell you what, that Roy Of The Rovers, those magic boots of his have clocked up some goals over the years… Anyone fancy another pint?
Crisps are the worst type of food for causing drivers to crash a new survey reveals. Thousands of motorists have apparently lost control of their cars trying to open a bag whilst driving. Dunno about you, but I have never had a problem with a bag of crisps whilst behind the wheel, but I tell you what, try taking the top off a beer, skinning up and doing lines off the dash board on whilst hammering down the motorway doing a tonne…now that’s a different ball game.
I would hate to be a kid now. When I was a boy, my Mum would send me down the shops with just 50p and I could get a Wham bar, a bag of pic ‘n mix, a comic book, a can of pop, a Mars Bar, a Curly Wurly and a couple of packets of Crisps and still come home with change. You can’t do that these days, all the fucking shopping centres now have CCTV.