Conroy
Had to go to the doctors last week and found out my new doctor is not only female, but drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said ‘don’t worry I’m a professional, Ive seen It all before, just tell me what’s wrong and I will help you all I can…’ I said I think my cock tastes funny.
Wouldn’t it be great if Beyonce would have married Roy Castle.
According to another useless fucking survey – women reckon that Jeremy Clarkson has the largest manhood in showbiz at an estimated length of 10.25 inches, with Gordon Ramsey second and Daniel Craig third in the poll. It’s also good news for Simon Cowell with women thinking his high waisted trousers conceal a 8.5 inch willy! When In reality those high waisted trousers cover a five foot six inch cock.
CD’s are like sex: Insert, Play, FFW, Pause, Stop, Eject… and they easily get dirty.
Good news for Peter Andre following a public apology by the Daily Star it turns out he is not shagging Kerry Katona after all, as it was just another made up tabloid story, so now he can relax again at home and get on with his new life with boyfriend Andrew Lloyd Webber.
If Jordan goes on a diving holiday her tits could explode say her doctors. Wow, Imagine the possible Tsunami following that.
Volcanic ash in the skies above Britain have grounded all UK flights. All this from a Volcano somewhere in Norway, probably caused by kids on their Easter Holidays playing with matches. Good job no one lost an eye.
A man is claiming the police over-reacted and used excessive force after he was Tasered five times during an epileptic fit at a club in Manchester.
Almost a quarter of computer owners buy a new one rather than try and fix problems say the findings of another new pointless what the fuck are we doing this for study. Personally I’ve had this laptop for two and a half years and can safely say \@£,,<<$ =-w54 7> 6″”l?. {[/.. m,l ][[ ;888***0.
Got questioned by the Police last night following a break-in down the road. They asked me ‘where were you between 5 and 11?’ I said ‘primary school.’
Firemen in Germany rescued a drunk who got stuck climbing inside a chimney. What else is there for Father Christmas to do during the long summer months?
Just to let you know. The FTSE index of Britain’s biggest firms hit a 22 month high of 5796.25 on Wednesday. No wonder I’m skint this month.
Why is it whenever you go round anyones house and use their toilet, It never fucking flushes. And then when friends come round to yours and use your bog, they can’t flush the fucking thing and leave a stinking great big shit in there. And what is the point of hand driers in public toilets, because the only time these automatic metal pieces of toss work is when you are walking away from them.
A man with no arms and legs was sat on a towel on a beach minding his own business when some girls approached him. They felt sorry for him and gave him a hug, then one of them bent down and gave him a kiss, then one of them asked him ‘have you ever been fucked?’ He said ‘No’. She said ‘well you will be when the tide comes in.’
Dan Prince
David Beckham is apparently ‘exhausted’ after Posh’s demands of five shag’s a day trying for a baby girl. Mate I would rather adopt than jump on that rag and bones.
Oh poor old Alex Reid who’s bringing out a sex video with wife Jordan got his words mixed up whilst being interviewed the other night, he said he compared himself “to Jesus – ‘I’m a lover not a fighter” – Two things dickhead, you should have said you compare yourself to a penis not Jesus, and “I’m a lover not a fighter” – well what is it you do for a living then? Arseole.
Went to a party at the weekend and ended up at some guy’s flat but by six in the morning they’d all passed out after taking the Meow Meow drug. What a load of pussies I thought as I shut the door.
Headline in a paper this week ‘Lesbian posed as a 15 year old for sex with three schoolgirls’. And?
The Sony Radio Academy Awards. What a load of absolute tripe. Chris Moyle’s not put forward for Breakfast Show of The Year and Chelsea’s Frank Lamped put forward for the Best Interview Of The Year. A) I’d like to know who chooses these possible award winners and B) Which football team they support. Frank Lamped? I’d get more sense interviewing a plum.
Poor old Leonardo DiCaprio has awful dreams when he uses Nicotine patches to try and stop smoking. “I had blood curdling nightmares of mass murders. I had to force myself to wake up and tear the patches up.” Leo, welcome to our world watching you in the cinema.
So Cheryl Cole has turned to a psychic for advice over whether to dump love rat husband Ashley Cole. Love, loads of bird’s have had his cock in their gob’s, it doesn’t take Mystic Meg to figure that one out. Big bag, clothes, change the locks, out.
Felt sorry for Amy Winehouse who was rushed to hospital with agonising pain from her boob implants. Oh no sorry, I meant I felt sorry for the surgeon who had to deal with Amy Winehouse and her painful boob implants. It must have been like examining a ropy old pair of prunes.
My friend has just moved to Norwich. What a cunt.
Interesting news about the letter that has surfaced from Cliff Richard to an ‘early girlfriend’ saying he has to stay a bachelor boy because of his pop career…”I have to give up the right to any lasting relationship with any special girl” he wrote to Della Wicks, “I’ve been so confused in my mind about you and myself.” Or in other words, I’m a puff, let me out of here.
Brilliant story about the two student DJs who wrote to the leaders of Slovenia, Latvia and the Caribbean state of Dominica and were even flown out to the head of Latvia’s palace in the capital of Riga. They have ten listeners every week