Bristol’s Paul Conroy sits on the toilet and farts
Things pissing me off this week: Shazam, unexploded world war bombs, people called Cliff Richard, fake tans, meerkats, garden gnomes, Pass Out by Tini Tempah, botox, saggy tits, cardigans, oompa lompas, breast milk, bonzi trees, Charles Darwin, people who live in Reading, Dr Who, Lady Ga Ga, and people who are halfway through writing something and don’t finish off what they…
Was at a party on Saturday and the DJ played ‘Oh sit down’ by James. So we all sat down. He then played ‘Jump Around’. So we all jumped around. Then he put on ‘Come On Eileen’. I got thrown out.
Wouldn’t it be great if a ‘Hung Parliament’ means everyone in parliament is to be hung, would have got my vote, but we’re still not sure what’s happening under Big Ben or in No 10 at the moment as apparently they are still counting votes in Nailsea and Honiton. Next year I will be standing as MP for Bristol’s ANP (all night party) Free pills on the NHS, are you in?
I lost in our local pub quiz by 1 point . The question was ‘Where do women mostly have curly hair?’ Apparently it’s Africa.
Watched Eastenders for the first time in ages, I know that Syed claims to be Muslim, but I reckon there’s a bit of Christian in him.
Never confuse laxatives with Viagra. It can make you shit in bed.
A woman who was seriously injured after being dragged 90ft along the road by a bus said she is going to sue. I don’t blame her, normally they only allow seven passengers standing during rush hour, and that is normally on the inside of the fucking bus.
Jedward are the new face of Shake n’ Vac. Fucking lucky bastards, I bet it is every Pop stars dream to front a national Ad campaign for people who are too lazy to wash their carpet. Or could it be for their hair?
Great-great grandad Ted Binge toasted his 100th birthday with Whiskey, which he has drunk daily for 82 years. The former railwayman said ‘It’s beautiful, wonderful stuff. I love it , It’s never done me any harm’. Or could he be celebrating his 50th birthday, but he is so pissed he is seeing double and can’t remember a fucking thing?
Any holes a goal Cheryl Cole has a new boyfriend, my mate told me it was Prince William, but on closer inspection, turns out to be Will.i.am the rapper who has a a comedy haircut and wears welding goggles..
Went to see the new Banksy film ‘Exit Through The Gift Shop’. Little tip for anyone wishing to see it. If you enter through the gift shop and go through the side door, it’s free to watch.
Now dull faced Adrian Chiles is ‘moving on’, former Blue Peter presenter Matt Baker will stand in as host for BBC’s The One Show from May 17th for two weeks, I can’t fucking wait. It’s a bit like scraping a load of shit off your shoe with a stick, putting the shoe back on your foot and stepping in shit again.
A new pub opening next week in Nuneaton, Warwickshire will be named The William White, real name of late comedian Larry Grayson who lived in the town. The front door of the pub will remain shut and you will only be able to enter through the back entrance.
It’s the DMC Update ‘Festival Edition’, so to be as cool as fuck here are a couple of recommended festivals this summer: The Halifax Mayfest 2010 Beer Festival @ The Square Chapel Arts Centre (opposite the railway station) 60+ Beers & Ciders, food available from 9pm. Open Noon – 11pm this Friday/Saturday (£3 before 6pm, £4 after)…and 13 – 15 May The Rugby Beer Fest, Rugby Thornfield Indoor Bowling Club, Rugby (opposite the main sports centre) 55 beers and 8 Ciders to choose from. £1 all day. Special DJ sets from Carl Cox and Eric Morillo, bring your own tambourine.
Coventry’s Dan Prince holds his nose in the next cubicle
Nurses want a “safe sex campaign aimed at the over 45s after a sharp rise in sexually transmitted infections.” Dirty bitches, you’d think they’d know better being nurses.
Britain’s Got Talent winner Susan Boyle has a wild imagination. The old roly poly claims that “when I look in the mirror I brush up quite well, like a cygnet into a swan.” No love. No. Like a piglet into a pig maybe, but not a swan.
What’s the best thing about having a shower with a twelve year old? Her make up washes off and she looks nine.
Bumped into Will.i.am inside the Bacardi VIP area at his Black Eyed Peas concert in London the other night where he was canoodling with Cheryl Cole. Conroy’s right, his glasses do look like welder’s glasses, it’s good to see that some pop stars do keep another job going to fall back on if the music goes tits up. I had a quite word with him and told him to be careful about the three mistakes that welders make when buying auto darkening welding helmets; They don’t check the speed of the sensor which can be potentially fatal. They don’t check the range the helmet can adjust the lens to. And more than often, they cheap out worrying about the price of the helmet. We embraced like men who know their welding stuff and went out seperate ways.
The rosed in my back garden have come up a treat this year.
Read in the paper that a couple in Scarborough are living in a toilet. So what? Doesn’t everyone in Scarborough?
See JLS are said to be covering The Sound of Music soundtrack. There’s just too many jokes there.
New iPhones will warn men when their wives or girlfriends are likely to be in a bad mood. I don’t need to spend a few hundred quid to know that. The crumpled up chemist’s bag in the bin will tell me that.
Isn’t Prince Andrew a fucking nob?
Pub singer is trying to break a world record by singing Elvis songs non stop for 43 hours in a boozer in Suffolk this weekend. Fuck me I feel sorry for landlords, first the ciggy ban and now some cunt singing ‘Jailhouse Rock’ on repeat. Tosser.
Tell you what, I wouldn’t poke Frank Lampard’s bird. Not for all the tea in China.
Thank god the election is over for now. My poor old cock. One minute I was hung to the right, then to the left and then back to the right. Poor little sausage.
Wayne Rooney and his missus must be a right laugh at dinner parties, joining in with topical issues and raising their opinions on important subjects. We were all wondering how Wayne will be getting himself prepared before the World Cup games this summer, and now we know. “I tend to have some Coco Pops before a match. The normal ones, not the Moons and Stars.” I bet Brazil are shitting bricks.