First up, Bristol DJ Paul Conroy gets stuck in…
Michael Jackson final tour hits the UK soon the 2009 equivalent of a victorian freak show at the O2 in London. Why hasn’t the man who made ‘Man In The Mirror’ ever looked at one? Bet he thinks Alton Towers is someone’s back garden.
“I’ve been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times
I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You’re all I’ve ever wanted and my arms are open wide
Cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much I love you …
…what a pile of shite that is, the girl told me to fuck off and walked away on Saturday.”
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.
What’s with the ‘they might be having a stroke’ public info ads on the telly?
Face – has it fallen to one side?
Arms – can they raise both arms and keep them there?’
Speech – is their speech slurred?
If you notice any of these symptoms it means the rohypnol has kicked in.
I bought my mum a 1,000 watt lightbulb for her birthday, she seemed a bit disappointed at first, but after she got it out the box, plugged it in and turned it on you should have seen her face light up.
My Dad reckons Dale Winton is gay.
I’ve started eating cat litter… litter in the morning, litter for lunch and little litter in the evening.. and gotta say although I’ve been I’ll and had my stomach pumped twice but I’ve already dropped a dress size.
It’s Comic Relief again this Friday so this weekend I am doing a sponsored minge shaveathon… if anybody is interested I will be on a Stand in Cabot Circus shopping centre in Bristol Friday daytime. £1 a go. Italian women £5.
I see Chris Brown and Rihanna have kissed and made up, lets just hope Chris doesn’t come home from the boozer one night and find his tea has gone cold.
What’s your favorite Armada? Mines the Spanish one.
I’ve been playing online poker for about a year now. Last night my girlfriend told me it was either the poker or her. I think she’s bluffing.
How do you market cat food? Whiskers ‘rich in protein’ it says on the side of the box… is this just incase your pet Cat has taken up body building and is looking to increase muscle size? How bout ‘Is your Cat a meathead? Whiskers Steroid and Creatine Powder Combo with Added protein’ For Cats only, not For fucking Pussys.
My mate went to the doctors last week with a hearing problem. The Doctor asked him to describe the symptoms, he said yes, Bart’s the son Homers fat and Marge has blue hair.
Pauline Fowlers Funeral on Monday, how long did that fucking take.. she dies face down in the snow right in the middle of Albert Square December 25 2006 and they only just get round to giving her a send off, that’s fucking disgusting.
Gary Lineker has been beaten by Leicester City Mascot Filbert the Fox in a poll to pick an ideal mayor for the city, a fucking dead man came second.
Birdwatcher Andrew Parnell of Wymondham norfolk has been given £5,000 by a charity to search Australia for an extinct parrot. Now in my book that is called a free fucking holiday… If I was that charity I would look up the meaning of ‘extinct’ in the dictionary then go round his house and take my five fucking grand right back off the cunt.
Next up, Dan Prince gets all shirty with anyone he can think of…
Some people have all the luck. If I walk into a betting shop I always lose my trousers. So how about this silly sod of a granny who fell down a volcano whilst on holiday in Tenerife and lived after her fall was stopped by a tree root. Unbelievable.
Aren’t Jack Russell dogs fucking stupid? Chewy chased what he thought was a cat up in Keighley, West Yorkshire – caught it and started to eat it. Yup, bet his owner was happy when she found him eating a skunk.
Don’t people though have really bad luck? Beat Ettlin who lives in Canberra, Australia was asleep one night last week when a Kangaroo crashed through his window.
A survey revealed this week that 9 out 10 wives blame their mother-in-law’s for their husband’s bad habits. No, that’s because you are married to lazy cunts.
More boys are doing needlework than sport at a school in Shoreham, West Sussex. Now we know the world has gone mad. Oh no, forgot this one tale of looniness. The RSPCA have requested help from people who can help reading bedtime stories to dogs. Oh just fuck off.
Then there’s the geezer in Margate who owns a gallery and who’s latest show is a display of ironed knickers. That’s just not right.
Harry Jackson, an inmate at a prison in Georgia in the States managed to break out, bought some cigarettes and then sneaked back in. Only in America yet again…
Love the story about the mute wife who uttered her first word when her husband said he was going to the pub – “no”.
Actress Katie Holmes says she knew at the age 7 that she would one day marry Tom Cruise. That is also, not right.
Drivers in Wales have won a ten year campaign to get their national flag on their car plates. Taffs, get a fucking life…