Mr P get a few things off his chest first…
The news that Elton John’s partner David Furnish wears a locket around his neck with a piece of Elton’s baby hair inside it. Pass me a bucket quick time.
Britney’s behaviour on X Factor. Listen babe, your album reeked of studio work to make it sound good, you can’t reproduce that to a live audience and it was soooooo obvious you didn’t watch any of the acts on the show, you silly, spoilt bitch.
That hilarious rave up that the five police in Ipswich had. Getting their cock’s out, pissing on walls, puking up everywhere… love it. Another tale that shows the world has gone crazy, councillors in Norwich (full of in-breds anyway) warning hairdressers they face six months in jail if they give their clients a glass of mulled wine over Christmas. Cocks.
Noel Gallagher calling Status Quo cunts. Yeah, we like that. The poll that revealed that Top Gear host are the celebs most Brits would like to party with at Christmas… followed by Barack Obama – I would rather have a dump on the pavement and then lick it up.
The Polish burglar who broke his leg whilst raiding a house in Sokolow and lied in agony on the floor unable to move for two days until cops found him – crikey, I didn’t know there were any Poles left in Poland.
The couple who died in their garage having sex in Russia after starting their engine to keep warm, errm, well what a way to go I suppose, but what a crap shag they must have had.
The rapper who killed an 18 year old by smashing him in the face with a lump of concrete after a rap appeared on the internet which called him “a pussy”…hope you like porridge and big dicks up the arse mate.
The promoters handing out remaining tickets for George Michael’s ‘farewell gig’ – (yeah right) in Abu Dhabi claiming the reason was “a lot of the youngsters here aren’t interested in his music – they’re into up to date stuff.” Mate, I’ve been to Abu Dhabi, the most up to date stuff the kids are into is Shakin’ Stevens, the place is to the music world as Graham Gold is to DJing.
The news that Orbital will play their first live gig since 2004 at The Big Chill next Summer, Basement Jaxx already confirmed too for the August 7th – 9th thrillason.
Hmmm, American rapper Lil’ Kim demanding a vibrator as part of her rider for her tour of Croatia this month, not sure what to say about that really.
The shopper needing a pee so badly she dropped her knickers in a shop window in Germany and pissed in a display toilet in front of the high street…I bet there was hair down below everywhere. Liverpool footballer Jermaine Pennant’s house getting ram raided whilst they slept inside, good.
The two Galaxy FM radio presenters suspended for playing Busta Rhymes new single ‘Arab Money’ – made me chuckle, but dudes, in this day and age, a bit of a stupid thing to do eh?
Venice, well what a surprise!
And in comes Bristol boy wonder Mr Conroy…
I have two major problems in my life, the first is sudden unexplained memory loss, and the second is… um hello.
Aren’t Lion Bars fantastic, a great place for Lions to go after work for a relaxing pint?!
Cadburys Cream Eggs – how do you eat yours? I eat them twelve at a time then go and barf them back up again.
What’s the definition of Irony? Buying a pair of platform shoes and getting run over by a train.
Drivers will once again this year be randomly stopped by police and breathalsed as part of their seasonal drink drive campaign and they are already out in force – I was stopped on Saturday night and accused of being shitfaced, just because I had a fat minger in the passenger seat.
I don’t understand testing beauty products on animals, how the fuck can you test a perfume on a rabbit – what do these scientists do, slap the latest Gucci Rush on a rabbit’s wrists, send the furry little slut into a crowded bar to see if it get’s a shag?
If you ask a barber to give you a number two, would he take a shit on your head?
By the way, never go into a Chinese restaurant and ask for a number two with fried rice.
Kate Perry who bought us the raunchy No 1 single ‘I Kissed A Girl’ has been accused of enticing lesbianism among teenage girls…brilliant! Mind you, I’m not too keen on her new single ‘Suck My Cock’.
Aren’t those Credit Crunches delicious – don’t really know what all the fuss is about… they are also very cheap if you know where to shop and buy them in packs of six.
Have you ever tried to find Hard To Find Records in Birmingham? It’s a fucking piece of piss as they stupidly leave there address on their website.
How fucking stupid are the government, trying to ban the board game ‘Rave’ on the grounds it “encourages youngsters to take drugs” – thats like banning the game Cludo because it might just give you the urge to venture into the drawing room and kill Colonel Mustard with a candlestick.
I was a bit pissed off to find out my local corner shop has shut down after running out of corners – a sign of the times.
My mate Jo has just returned from a holiday in Los Angeles where he said he was treated like a king, he was dragged out of his car and had the shit beaten out of him by the police.
My girlfriend is really getting on my nerves at the moment, all she seems to do is run round the house with a squeaky toy in her mouth and she knows she’s not aloud on the sofa – but takes no fucking notice of anything I say.
‘Hey Diddle Diddle The Cat And The The Fiddle, The Cow Jumped Over The Moon, The Little Dog Laughed To see Such Fun And The Dish Ran Away With The Spoon’ – and we wonder why there is a drug problem amongst kids.
Is it against the law in the UK to sit on the toilet the other way round when having a shit?
Oh by the way, this Christmas, I have a large quantity of the Flu remedy recommended by celebs including Kate Moss and Kerry Katona. It’s sixty a gram or one fifty for three – and if you give me a bell I will pop round with it in about an hour…