A dodgy Manc journo and a Bristolian radio kingpin (and general funny f*cker) go head to head in what simply pisses them off when they wake up and look in the papers and turn on the telly…
Conroy starts the war of words, slagging everyone off (for no reason at all) – with a few big ups here and there along the way just so lawyers don’t get on the blower…
Last night I had 8 pints and then attempted to race a car with a passenger in it. I hit a tree and put it on its roof. I f*cking hate the Playstation when I’ve had a few. Rob Kadinskijump – or whatever his name is – the actor who plays Sean Slater in Eastenders. He says he’s “fed up of people threatening him in public due to Sean Slaters antics on screen”, this always gets my goat when members of the public can’t differentiate between fact and fiction. In Eastenters he sells a bit of chang to make ends meet, in real life he doesn’t, its just pills and smack. Allegedly. After years of Djing the clubs in the UK and around the globe, don’t you think Paul Oakenold is looking hot these days? Isn’t it about time the Welsh dropped their silly language? Come on guys – £5.90 to get in over the bridge and then i have to read sign posts that look like someone has dropped a box of scrabble. Predictive texting must be a f*cking nightmare. The new shopping centre opened in Bristol last week – it’s called Cabot Circus. That’s a really confusing name for kids, let alone the average Bristolian. You’re eight years old and your mum is taking you to the circus – brilliant! Get out the car and instead of clowns and trapeze artists you end up being dragged round the f*cking House of f*cking Fraser. What next, the Billie Smarts Shopping Centre… Caravans everywhere loads of litter and animal shit. I’m going to write to my MP – its a f*cking disgrace. Kate Moss has revealed she has taken up a course in plumbing… she was quoted as saying “i need to keep some money coming in when I get too old for the old modelling lark and my tits start to look like tea bags’. At the end of the day plumbing pays a good wedge and you can moonlight on a Saturday for extra drug money. Pete Tong has this week told the music press he has always hated dance music “I’ve been living a lie – electronic music made for disco dancing is for poofs”. He then went on to say he wanted to come clean after finding god in a cardboard box round the back of Cafe Mambo in ibiza in August. A spokesman for the dance music industry in London said Pete is just a posh name for compost and a tong is a tool used for picking it up, the record buying public should have worked that out years ago.
Up steps the Prince…
All these ‘Save A Donkey’ charities – have you not heard about Cancer Research and the RSPCC – for f*ck’s sake, a little bit more important eh? Jay-Z on stage at the re-opening of The Palladium in LA, simply brilliant. Saying that though, he was pipped by a few quid for the top spot on Forbes’ list of Hip Hop’s greatest money earners this year by 50 Cent who raked in $150 million, Hova scooped up $82 million! The couple in America who got their ten year old son to drive them home from a bar because they were too wrecked – and after the kid turned the car over onto it’s roof on a bend the police found 43 pills in the lady’s handbag including Xanax, Percect, Loratab and methadone replacement Suboxen – medics then found she had Cocaine, Opiates, Ecstasy and Benzos in her system, sounds like the perfect best friend to me – what a shame she’s banged up. Grandmaster Flash’s new book ‘The Adventures of Grandmaster Flash: My Life, My Beats’ – a great read pal. Dr Dre bringing out a new Cognac and a 80% proof sparkling vodka – we love you! The host of a huge ITV Saturday night game show – who shall rename nameless – who’s ex girlfriend who I also went out with, telling me he has a cock the size of a gerkin. Portsmouth, Gloucester, Swindon – all crap places that need to be blown up. Smooth FM – shit on a stick. Model Emily Scott turning her hand to DJing – well, I’ll be there with bells on. Men who can line dance – sorry have I missied the point here? Owning hamsters or mice – errm, again, have I missed the point here?. White jeans – just take a look at yourself in the mirror – really closely. The Q Awards last week – yawn, little boys and girls thinking they are too cool for school – you’re not. Girls who won’t take it up the bum. The wedding reception in Romania last week which ended in chaos – two of the guests tried to kill themselves because they were in love with the groom by drinking acid and the other slashing her wrists, some poor sod broke his toe on the dancefloor, a 41 year old woman smashed her shin also showing her moves and the buffet ensued 26 of the guests admitted to hospital for food poisoning – sounds like just another day in my life. People who buy flowers from Sommerfield. The Custard Factory in Birmingham – is this the worst named nightclub in the world? Great parties tho. Footballer Stan Collymore – what a twat. DJ Lottie at her residency at Manumission this year – a true, true star. Pink threatening to throw some random guy over the counter at her local Blockbuster store after seeing him hit his little daughter – get in girl. Sara Cox on Radio One – just shut the f*ck up, you talk a right load of bollocks and think you’re funny – you’re as funny as Bobby Davro. These £12,000 Japanese arcade DJ machines – what is the point – buy yourselves a CDJ 1000 you no lifes! Anyone called Terry. Waking up after a weekend clubbing with the energy of a snail and then having to go to work in a van – and your mate insists on listening to Johnny Vaughan on the radio. Dickheads who attach their keys to their belts for safety – have you not heard of pockets? Lego Land. Tara Palmer-Tomkinson admitting she sleeps with 23 teddy bears every night in her bed – have you not heard of vibrators? DJ Azzido Da Bass – what a stupid name. The Manchester club The Warehouse Project – ohhhhhh my god, how fantastic is it with their new line up’s? Take That’s Gary Barlow admitting he is terrified of flying on the same plane as famous people – listen chubby, you can’t dance, you live in a crap flat in Knightsbridge, you only have a fit wife because of your bank balance – and you’re called Gary. All these new goat dishes on ‘trendy London’ restaurant menus – I’m sorry, but Billy Goat Gruff was one of my favourite childhood stories – I’ll stick to steak and chips thank you very much. The Google Smartphone – genius. People who walk around in public whistling. All these new luxury shopping malls popping up around the UK, that f*cker in Bristol is amazing. Public Enemy’s Chuck D coming out with this nonsense…”Hip-Hop is a beautiful thing, but maintenance is always important to anything that has to go forward” – Americans can be such wankers. Layla Kayleigh – wowzer wowzer wowzer. Nelly modeling for Sean John’s underwear collection, as I said earlier, Americans can be such Graham Gold’s…