Dan Prince gets on his soap box
Robbie Williams wants to rejoin Take That? Lads tell him to fuck off, he wasn’t there when you asked for an appearance on your Comeback Tour. Cheeky fat bastard.
Paris Hilton. “I’ve launched a perfume range, recorded two records and now I want my own hotel chain.” Love if your daddy hadn’t handed over millions of quid you would be living in a motel with pizza boxes littering the floor and lying back and thinking of America whilst tramps came into your room and paid a dollar to suck your little tits. Fact.
Radio 1’s Chris Moyles attempting to climb The Himalayas for charity, this I have to see.
Nearly as much as a waste of money as Christmas wreaths on your front door. £70 quid for a load of toss hanging on your knocker for a couple of weeks. Sorry, but I would rather buy a new toaster or a pair of trainers. And whilst we’re on the subject of Christmas, aren’t Christmas trees a fucking pain in the arse? Needles everywhere – in the car, all down the hall, in the living room. Having to water the soddin’ thing, baubles that cost a fiver falling off and smashing all over the floor with shards of glass littering the floor that your dog runs over cutting his paws which means a trip to the vet, having to struggle underneath it every day pouring water into some shit pot and then after a couple of weeks having to drag it down the hall (more needles) and then look at it for months in your garden because the rubbish guys won’t take it. Back in the car (more needles) and having to dump it on the side of the road when no one is looking. What a pile of Scrooge shit.
Tara Rock’s Oasis After Party in New York on Wednesday. Carnage on the dancefloor…
The lightsaber used by Luke Skywalker in Star Wars getting sold for £130,000 at a memorabilia sale in Hollywood last week. Well that will go lovely by the sofa, what a waste of money.
Beyonce’s hairy armpits. What must lie down below?
Now I know people who can push a condom up one nostril and pull it out the other, I know people who can stunt fall down a flight of stairs (nice one Yousef), but I have never heard of anything so ridiculous as this Luo Deyuan geezer in China who can pull a car 300ft by a rope threaded with a needle through his throat.
Martina Navratilova auditioning for a part in musical Chicago. Listen, if I want to see some lesbo up on stage I go to Soho.
The teenager who stabbed her boyfriend in the gob with a knife in America because he wouldn’t have sex with her and ended up behind bars. Love, ever heard of having a wank?
The story of the cat in Massacusetts having her face sewn back on after it was ripped off by a car fan belt. I’m sorry, but what a fucking waste of time. Put it in a sack and throw it in a lake. What a waste of money. Nearly as much of cash down the drain as Ernest, a 15 year old cat who lives in Cornwall who has just been fitted with contact lenses.
The German guy who decided to release his 500 budgies from his flat in Germany and then found them dead the next morning all dead in the communal garden. No wonder he did it, his place must have smelt like my underpants when I had diarrohea playing cricket when I was 12.
Diner Li Chung in China who was left deaf after pepper on his plate sparked a sneezing fit and burst both of his ear drums. Jesus, three foot tall, eyes as tight as my arseole and not being able to hear a thing. Hope he’s not single.
Germany is a fucking weird place. This week a mugger pinned a 75 year old to a wall and stole her false teeth. I said it was stupid to let that guy who is accused of kidnapping Shannon Matthews out of prison.
Then there’s Sydney, where a bearded cross dresser robbed a bank wearing a black dress and red stilettos. Staff saw through his disguise when spotted he had forgotten to shave. Words desert me…
Pete Doherty’s gig with Chas N’ Dave at The Top N’ Tin Pub in Chatham on December 20th – sounds like a right load of shit, but I bet it’ll be great.
ASDA winning ‘Best In Store Loo of 2008’ – who the fuck votes in these polls? Admittedly I had a shit in one of their stores once and the hand soap was lovely.
13 year old Faryl Smith who won Britain’s got talent signing a 2.3m multi album deal with Universal Classics. She’ll be popular in the playground then.
Noel Gallagher who has a vintage Jaguar that cost him over a hundred grand and only uses it to drive from his gates to the house and back again. No wonder he has a beer belly.
The woman in India who became the world’s oldest mum at the age of 70. Blimey, that baby must have been glad to get out of that wrinkly old fanny.
The guy who killed his wife in Cornwall and then let his pet fox eat her. I mean come on, I feed my pets Pedigree.
Dizzee Rascal locked up in prison over a road rage bust up in which he allegedly threatened someone with a baseball bat. I never knew he was into the sport.
That bird Atis Ashraf at Leeds airport caught smuggling £18,200 worth of drugs in knickers. What a fat bitch she must have been.
Film star George Clooney admitting he cut down his neighbour’s tree and used it as a Christmas Tree. Fuck me mate, you absolute scoundrel!
The lock-in at Guy Ritchie’s pub The Punchbow, I couldn’t see a thing at the end of the night.
My girlfriend on Saturday, “I think Beyonce should win X-Factor”. I mean – where do you start?
Walking through Windsor Great Park with the dogs and a Jaguar slows down to see them playing in a pool of water. A Jaguar with the Queen driving – now that doesn’t happen every day.
Talking of queens, what a shame Cliff Richard pulled out of Celebrity Big Brother because he couldn’t have a private loo. Oh and I was so looking forward to seeing the strangest being on the planet having a curly dump.
Footballer Wayne Rooney getting thrown out of The Yang Sing Oriental Hotel in Manchester for singing too loud in one of the rooms. Now there’s a fucking surprise.
The Italian government is buying £60m worth of Parmesan Cheese and giving it to the poor. Er, why not just give them the money?
So Venice is flooded and the tourist trade is basically up shit creek. So what do the hotels do to boost bookings? Offer cheap rooms that come with free use of rubber boots. And if you thought that was weird, what about the pub darts team in Berkshire who have been told they cannot stage a charity marathon match unless a medic is present. This world gets crazier day by day. And did I mention the geezer in Nottingham who got 18 months for assaulting a woman with a bowl of goldfish or the actor who picked up a real knife instead of a fake one before going on stage and cut his throat in Vienna – and got a standing audition as he died. See, loopy.
I’m A Celebrity reject Brian Paddick posting “Brian is having a cup of tea and a cheese sandwich at home” on his Facebook site. And you got rejected? No way!
Lily Allen’s new single ‘The Fear’ which is all about the low points of being famous… love, you knew what you were getting into when you started…
The Brit who flicked the middle finger at a motorist in Dubai who nearly knocked him down and ended up in jail for a month. But it doesn’t end there. When locked up he ended up in a cell with a bloke who whilst doing press ups on the beach was arrested for ‘making love to the ground’, an airport porter who farted whilst picking a bag up and got two months for air pollution and a Sri Lankan who flew home and then returned back to Dubai with a new haircut and got arrested because the officials said his picture in his passport wasn’t him. Grooverider, we now understand…
Footballers failing late fitness checks. How does somebody actually fail a fitness check? Never got my head round that one. Can you run and kick a ball or not?
Cheryl Cole’s ex selling his story in a tacky tabloid for a few quid about how he was gutted when she dumped him. Hmmm, let’s see this from Chery’s point of view… a carpet fitter or a footballer earning £120,000 a week. Tough one that.
Conroy lets rip
“I went to Felix The Housecat’s party at the weekend, it was fucking pants. The highlight was when a couple got caught shagging in the garden and had a bucket of water tipped over them and to top it all, his sofa got covered in scratches and one of the guest’s took a dump in his garden and then buried it.
Laughter is the best medicine.. unless you’ve got Epilepsy, then it’s probably best to just carry on taking your tablets.
As I write this from my Cell, I am still mourning the decision by the British public to vote Alexander Burke first and JLS second on the X Factor final. Being a JLS fan I am seriously fucking gutted and after endless crying, drinking and taking Paracetemol on Saturday night, I could not contain myself and hope the girl I glassed recovers fully and regains the sight in her right eye. But on a happy note, a big thank you to all the paramedics, doctors and nurses who cut me out the car and pumped my stomach – hallefuckinglujah. Oh, and that Eoghan Quigg (shit name) – should his pushy parents have allowed that little shit to go on national TV and humiliate himself by coming third on a programme that was quite clearly way past his bedtime?
Unluckiest man in the world… he bought a packet of After Eight mints, dies at seven fifty five.
Another credit crunch Christmas money saving idea this year is to use birthday wrapping paper and write Jesus next to the happy birthday, then you can save any spare paper for future birthdays.
Is it Illegal to bathe baby cats in your own diarrhoea?
What a great advert for Iceland having that fat gobby chav Kerry Katona advertising their ‘party like a celeb food’…is that to encourage you to turn up on live telly fucked off your face all paranoid looking like you’ve got Bulimia but forgot to throw up? What are Iceland selling sausage rolls or coke?
What sits at the top of the stairs smoking? Stephen Hawking in a house fire.
Michael Barrymore will return to our telly screens once again in January, this time as a reporter for Celebrity Big Brother’s ‘Little Brother’ spin-off show… why doesn’t Michael Barrymore have ashtrays in his house? Because he put’s his fags out in the pool.”
Christmas fact – Did you know that Myrrh (the present given to baby Jesus) is actually the dried sap of shrub burned for incence (Argos catalogue page 314) and is a really shit present to give a baby.
The BBC this week agreed to refund cash viewers wasted on Strictly Come Dancing during another voting scandal… I’m sorry, but if you are sad enough to actually get suckered in and vote on such a shit TV show then you deserve to have your house robbed.
Just seen a picture of Mike Tyson’s appearance at the Sony Video Games awards in California last week, the former boxer looks like a right fat cunt these days, like a black spacehopper with arms.
People Suffering from Norovirus, another sickness and diarrhoea bug found in Hospital wards, have been told to stay at home to prevent it spreading say the experts. Irony at it’s very best… so go to hospital get stupidly ill, go home and deal with it there. Ho ho ho.
The pound hit another record low against the Euro this week. This time it used Rohypnol, took it home, tied it up, raped it and took it’s phone and purse – the dirty bastard.”