Dear Diary,
I might have to keep this short. You see, I have a show tomorrow in Bulgaria, and for my Bulgarian shows, I use my 2009 DMC BULGARIA DIARY. Don’t get the wrong idea. You’ll always be my first true diary, Diary. It’s just that sometimes I require something a little more Bulgarian to meet my diary needs. C’mon, don’t look at me like that. Diary, please! Are you even 1% Bulgarian? No, you are 100% UK. That’s what I love about you, your commitment. But what about the Bulgarian inside of me? What about I supposed to do with this passion that fills me? Some mornings I wake up, I jump out of bed, and I scream “Ahhhh! Bulgaria!” I need a special diary to record these special Bulgarian moments. Besides, my neighbors have been complaining about the noise.
However, my UK feelings are still all yours, Diary. I couldn’t deprive you of my evocative insights regarding highway rest stops, customs agents, and Cutmaster Swift’s drink preferences. In fact, here are some deeply felt emotions from my recent trip to Southampton.
*Southampton DMC was really defined by the emergence of a new super crew. Pack it in boys and girls. You have no chance. Don’t even show up. Don’t even think about showing up. Honestly, don’t think about anything, because this crew is telepathic, so if you think about something valuable or gross, it will know everything!
Introducing The Blackberry Crew: Illaman, Sally DMC, and myself. Consider the following scene: Beautiful British highway rest stop. 3 people moving in a line, Blackberries in hand. Eyes glued to the screen. Emails, BBMs, and Twitter posts beyond your wildest dreams flying through the air at immeasurable velocities. NWA blasting in the background. I swear to you now, so help me God, that if an equivalent crew of iPhone users stepped to us, we would have smacked the shit out of them.
*Orange Rooms was so classy! I didn’t know whether to DJ or sip champagne cavier from a diamond encrusted yacht glass.
*At dinner, I order the “Messy Mexican Burger,” but actually my meal was quite tidy.
*Switch spent his time before the battle studying for his engineering exam.
*The Competition: Asian Hawk really ran away with this one. Or should I say . . . “flew away”? HAHAHAHA. Get it? HAHA. Because he is a “hawk.” HAHAHAHA. And hawks fly. HAHA. So like, he flew away with it, because he’s a hawk. HAHAHAHAHAHA . . . sigh. But yeah, Mr. Hawk did a nice job, and fixed up a lot of the patterns that were tripping him up in Manchester. Also noteworthy were Disect (high energy scratch routines), Sickkid (a cool Wild Thing remix routine that could only be described as adult and healthy, BA-ZING, I’m on fire with my jokey jokes), TGK (some nice right hand scribble juggle patterns), Deceptakut (solid overall set, placed 3rd on my scorecard), and D-Dub (funky, old school, boom bap steelo).
*Which reminds me: Not happy with the results of a battle? Want to know why some chump who’s not you won while some non-chump who is you lost? Please email me at shiftee.complaints@gmail.com. We take any and all complaints. Fed up with your asshole boss? Tired of paying 5p for ketchup in England? Depressed you make a living by losing to DJ Switch on a nightly basis? Send me an email at shiftee.complaints@gmail.com. We break it down so you don’t have to!
*USA (me) vs. UK (Switch): What did I say last time? PENIS JOKES = VICTORY. Whether I actually won or lost this time around, everyone in attendance can agree, this battle was the most heated to date. Why? Were my routines better? Did Switch stumble? No. I had more penis jokes, plain and simple. This tactic culminated in my last round when I let Big Pun’s “Get Off My Dick” play and play and play until it became awkward for everyone involved. Switch even removed the needle, but I immediately responded by throwing it back on, doing a little dance, and thus restoring the uncomfortable air of the room. Take that!
*My hotel bathroom came with 3 rubber duckies.
*Cutmaster Swift saved the day by having a bag of candy ready for the drive home. What could have been a dreary trip through the heart of the English night became an illuminated, gummy cherry extravaganza.
*Oh by the way, I now also have a 2002 DMC India DJ Champion jacket. You know, nothing much. I’m just developing the most awesome jacket collection humankind has ever seen. 2000 Sweden, 2002 India, no big deal. Nothing to see here. Move along. If by some miracle, you are the rightful owner of one of these jackets, and you want your prize back . . . tough luck! I’m keeping them! Don’t like it? Send me an email at shiftee.complaints@gmail.com.
Blackberry Crew fo-life!
Shiftee
Last heat of the UK championships 2009 – London
Saturday 20th June @ 93 Feet East with Urban Nerds
7-3am
DMC Championship Slot – 7-11pm
With Jackbeats, Mumdance, Jungle Drummer V FU, Professor Green + more!!!
For full details www.dmcdjchamps.com