1. Be able to sing. If you are a rubbish singer then you are going to get slaughtered by Simon Cowell and it will serve you right. Loser.
2. If your child is a rubbish singer, DO NOT encourage them to carry on singing. You are not doing them a favour and when they go on X Factor and get slated by the panel it will cost you a fortune in therapy. Plus, they will hate you forever for lying to them.
3. Make sure you are thick skinned – especially if you aren’t any good at singing. The reason being is that all your mates, work colleagues and people who live in your area will forever laugh at you for being crap.
4. If you are smart enough to know you are a rubbish singer, but you want your 5 minutes of fame, then wear a mad outfit or do really silly make-up. The more over the top the better. They will re-run your audition forever. Plus you can always blame it on the costume/make-up (like below).
5. DO NOT be smart with Simon Cowell with comebacks you think are funny. He has an answer for everything.
6. DO NOT try and outdo Simon Cowell in the trouser department.
7. Bleeding heart stories are all well and good for public sympathy, but don’t over do it. A child on life support is ok, but not with too many complications.
8. If the entire panel say you are rubbish, then please leave the audition with dignity! DO NOT beg them to change their minds by getting on your knees ‘cos you will look a complete loser and you might have to leave the country…
9. If you get through Round One, DO NOT slag the panel off on camera. They will kick your arse out…
10. Unless you are a fabulous singer, don’t bother going on X Factor because your ‘5 minutes of fame’ may turn into a life time of humiliation…