So for a change, we thought we would ‘shame the lame’ this week. Promoters out there who have as much savvy as a lamb with one eye.

Friday September 12th-14th
Waveform Festival, Swindon.
Any promoter who puts a by-line on their flyer saying their party is “The Sustainable Dance Music Festival” and has a stage act including Tribe Of Frog needs a right kick in the goolies. Go and take your Progressive House and Psy Trance out of the back gate before I call the rave police you fool…

Friday September 12th
Hardcore 3 Underground, Club Fever, Northampton.
When I was a child and my mum asked me to tidy up my room, I never knew peace and serenity could have been simpler to go to this pile of crap. A hardcore event in the south Midlands? I would rather eat my own…

Saturday September 13th
Funky Bunny’s 5 Years In Cyberland @ The Park, Peterborough.
Need I go on?

Friday September 12th-13th
The DSI Weekender @ Alton Towers, Staffordshire.
This is quite possibly the worst event (apart from a couple of funerals) that I have ever been invited to. I really don’t know where to start. So I won’t.

Saturday September 13th
Miss Moneypennys @ Synergy, Warrington.
Now I know we are having bad UK weather, Andy Murray lost in the US Final, our footy team are overpriced pricks, and Brummies have as much fashion sense as a blind Croatian on acid – but guys? One of the best and trendiest club brands of all time hitting Warrington? Put it this way – I would rather walk over glass with Graham Gold whilst he told me his life story.

Saturday September 13th
X-Treme-Energy @ The Engine, Coalville.
The promoter calls himself Incy Wincy Spider. My sentence ends here.

Saturday September 13th
The Sexy Circus Fancy Dress Party @ The Meze Lounge, Newport, Wales.
See above.