Dan Prince Is the rude boy first up giving it the bollocks…
P.Diddy admitting he loves his masseur to massage his er, buttocks. Can’t comment on that for legal reasons.
Fair play to carpenter Joel Scilley in Oakland, California who spends 50 hours making record turntables from reclaimed wood and selling them on line for $1000.
What is it with polls – are they the most pointless things to do with your time and energy? Apparently the brand Skinny Cow Hot Chocolate have revealed that actress Kate Winslett is the celebrity most have as their best friend. Yawn, yawn, yawn.
Princess Eugenie in the papers being fondled by her friend in the sea in Thailand. Interesting to see what Prince Philip says about that.
Now I don’t know about you, but the couple who got dressed as Amy Winehouse and Russell Brand – what a couple of nob heads.
The staff at the Co-Op in Hayling, Hampshire refusing to sell some bloke Colin Bishop a bottle of Bacardi because he had no ID. The guy is 68.
Has the world gone bonkers? Great Granny Audrey Butler is claiming to be the world’s oldest footballer mascot, dressing as a pirate for Bristol Rovers home matches… stick to knitting love.
My mate calling a girl walking into The Ministry of Sound a “fat bitch’ only to then realise she was heavily pregnant. The boyfriend didn’t take too kindly…
The Retriever dog who’s owner was worried about the size of her tummy bulging, taking her to the vet and after an operation the vet finding five gloves, ten socks, a stocking and a towel in her belly. Love that story.
Rihanna starring as the ‘new Whitney Houston’ in the remake of The Bodyguard film. Babe, you need a bodyguard after what Chris Brown allegedly did to you.
Right here’s a good excuse to get out of a driving ban. Some mug who hit a barrier, tried to speed off from cops, whizzed through red lights and ending up smashing into a wall and going head first through his windscreen – told the judge he only drove them home because his mate was too drunk. The local landlord told the court that he’d served him 16 pints of lager.
I cooked a lovely meal at the weekend. A lovely piece of Sea Bass, some asparagus and green beans. Then puked the fucking lot up after seeing Fabia Cerra getting her tits out on ‘Britains Got Talent’. Disgusting. Revolting. And she thinks the Queen would like to see her knockers? There are some weird people out there…
Right, here is probably the weirdest thing I have EVER wrote about. An elephant at The West Midlands Safari Park has taken to sticking a paint brush up her trunk and has so far painted ’50 abstract paintings’. Please, someone give me some air…
The footballer who was put off taking a penalty at the weekend by a player from the rival team who farted as he ran up to take the shot. Great.
Simon Cowell dropping brother and sister act Same Difference from his label. Well fuck me, what a shock. Next you’ll be telling me Louis Walsh isn’t gay.
Bristol Beatbox DJ Booms It Out…
Went to see ‘The Boat That Rocked’ at the Cinema last week, a film based on 1960’s Radio Caroline, the makers claim the attention to detail was second to none and the studio scenes would have an authentic feel? So you can imagine how fucked off I was to pay seven quid and notice the stylus on the turntables they were using was a stanton 500AL. Now we all know the Stanton 500AL was produced in the fucking 80’s, but could I get my money back when I walked out half way through in disgust and explained this to the manager of the Showcase Deluxe in Bristol? Fucking no… absolute cunts.
I hear that tune by K.I.G ‘Heads Shoulders Knees and Toes’ is being used to advertise shampoo for Italian women.
People in Bristol have voted ‘Shrek’ as the best family film of all time followed by ‘Mary Poppins’, in third place was ‘Bearly Legal Tractor Sluts Suck Cock’ which is a DVD only.
Listen up Starbucks, Costa and All American Chain Coffee Shops, If I want a pint I go to the pub for one and would choose either lager or beer, or if I want to pick a fight with my own shadow on the way home I would opt for Cider. I have never drunk a pint of coffee in my life and have never fucking wanted to. So next time I order a small Americano give it to me in a small cup not a fucking china bucket with a handle on it you fat fuckers.
Easter was a laugh, walking back to my flat on Monday at eight in the morning with a paper lampshade around my neck and a shoe missing wasn’t my favorite part of the weekend, but check this – a family out on a walk in Devon didn’t have much fun when the dad was having his photo taken and fell off a cliff plummeting 300 feet to his death. Imagine that… back a bit, back a bit, fuck! Lets just hope his wife switched the camera to video on time because You’ve Been Framed will give her £250 for that sort of shit and that sounds like a corker.
‘Women are like Condoms, If they are not on your cock they are in your wallet’ – Albert Einstein 1902.
Architect Peter Kashing painted his entire house blue. This story that made the national fucking press this week?! Firstly painting your entire house blue is something that would only occupy your mind if you were having a nervous breakdown. Secondly If he genuinely wasn’t having a nervous breakdown what a fucking boring story to put in the fucking paper.
According to a new survey, London is the worst place in the UK for home burglary. Second in the ‘riskiest places for household theft’ is Nottingham, with Bristol and Cambridge coming joint third. (better luck next time guys) Anyone thinking of stealing from a house should wait for the owners to go on holiday and log onto www.googlestreetmaps.com and treat it like the shopping channel.
Have you Twittered yet? I find I always twitter when coming down off pills I also sweat a lot and crave curry.
The 1967 rock classic ‘Whiter Shade Of Pale’ by Procol Harlem was named the most heard record on Radio 2. And that’s why I carry my fucking ipod everywhere.
The latest school playground craze is snorting crushed up sweets. Apparently kids are snorting crushed up Refreshers and Lovehearts which are probably a more potent combo than the fucking shite offered to me for fifty fucking quid on Saturday.
See ya…
