Dan Prince decides who has been a banker this week…
Oh what a shame that Richard Branson has lost 1.5 Billion quid over the last year. I spent over a fiver on Kleenex crying for him.
Michael Jackson moving out of a rented 28 bedroom mansion he was living in for his 28 UK tour because he’d been told it’s haunted. Mate, look in the mirror, that’s enough to scare you.
Kerry Katona in the papers every day for this, that and the other. The latest, her ‘secret family’ insisting in front of MTV cameras that they refused to be filmed on that she took a DNA Test to prove that she was actually she was their sister. How fucking bored are are we with this tramp?
I’m sorry, but I like going down the boozer, having funny conversations with friends, meeting new people, reading good books, going to the cinema, theatre, fab holidays etc etc. So turning on the telly and being told that the Dartford Crossing area of the M25 from Essex to Kent is the fourth busiest road in Britain – I despair.
Football fan Richard Walker who visits the statue of dead footy hero Brian Clough every week and tells him the results of one of his former teams Derby. Single guy by any chance?
The boat seized in between Ibiza and Formentera with three Brits on board that the police found 3.6 tonnes of drugs worth £11 million on. How gutted am I? The Summer is ruined…
The couple getting arrested for having sex on the gardens of Windsor Castle whilst the Queen was upstair having a G&T. I despair about my mum and dad sometimes.
Spice Girls’ Mel B’s Las Vegas Burlesque Show. Wowzee.
Love the story about the prostitute in Rumania who got nabbed and it was discovered that she was the Democratic Party’s Youth Leader. Lavina Samulia, we salute you with nobs on.
Why is Britain so weird sometimes? A street in Britain has been renamed after a boy’s pet ferret. And the guy who left his false leg on a plane in Cardiff – what?
Saying that, Stuttgart is fucking weird. Alina Pearcea selling her virginity at auction and falling £40,000 short of her target only getting £10,050. I thought I got a good price.
Tom Jones pool table going for £75,000. What a load of balls.
Felt really sorry for Lady GaGa who threw a temper tantrum at her Jonathon Ross show after losing her favourite tea cup. Rock N’Roll lives on…
I love the property ladder. Good luck though to the person who buys this three bed house in Brecon, Mid Wales for £110,000. That’s only 8 feet wide.
I also love the tale of the person who donated the jar of cyanide to a Salvation Army shop in Somerset. Funny as F.U.C.K.
The couple who got married dressed as Shrek and Princess Fiona. Hospice nurse Christine England admitted “Every girl wants a fairytale wedding.” Sorry, am I missing something here?
Like the way my mum saying “no way Jose” to my dad – a huge Elvis fan who wanted to buy the original 1953 recording of Elvis’s first disc ‘My Happiness’ – set to go for £1 million quid.
Boy George making Jade Goody’s husband Jack Tweedy flee from the showers at Edmunds Hill Prison in Suffolk after walking in naked. I have seen George’s cock, and it’s not that bad mate.
Bristol superstar DJ Paul Conroy is as polite as ever…
Got some gossip for readers of Heat Magazine, I hear that Cheryl Cole has put on a pound. I think it is fucking disgusting for any woman to let herself go like that, she is a fucking disgrace.
Pizza Express in Bristol can fuck right off. Thats twice now I have turned up to your place on a busy Thursday night before fucking ten o’clock only to be told ‘we are shut’ – this time their was a poxy excuse was ‘we have ran out of stuff to put on the pizzas’! You can’t make this sort of shit up! Listen Pizza Express, the reason you shut on a busy Thursday night before fucking ten o’ fucking clock is because your manager is a shit lazy cunt who needs to find another fucking job after your bosses read this.
Drivers who are scared to fill up with Petrol because of the swine flu need not panic, I’ve just found out the virus is definitely from Mexico, not Texaco.
I m sorry, but men who appear in a national paper claiming they are victims of domestic violence and are bullied and beaten up by there wives or girlfreinds deserve every kicking they get twice over and then another one.
I hear that Princess Eugine will be carring on her Gap Year travels despite recently being mugged…thank fuck for that – the worry has almost made me grey, given me Insomnia and driven me fucking mental.
I’m glad I did’nt make the effort to stay up and watch the telly or worse still, save money and travel all the way to Vegas to see the Ricky Hatton fight – otherwise I would have found the flat nosed twat and knocked him out my fucking self.
The oldest book dust jacket dating back to 1830 has been discovered at Oxford University. Who gives a flying fuck? I’ll tell you. No one. Absolutely no one.
Nottingham pensioner Derek Roberts, 77, claims to be Britains fittest OAP as he does 600 press ups, 700 leg raises and 200 hundred arm raises a day. What a fucking boring old cunt. I would rather be sat in a wheelchair in my pyjamas at a home being spoonfed cruhed apple by a fat nurse with BO than bother with all that shit.
A girl in Switzerland found a condom in her Happy Meal in Frisborg, Switzerland last week, proof they will fuck anything over there. Can you imagine the poor girls face discovering that – or worse still discovering that then walking round the corner, to find Ronald Macdonald with his trousers round his ankles smoking a fag.
Why is it that all people who work in organic health food shops are A) boring B) pig ugly and C) have really shit skin and always look fucking ill?
I dont see what all the fuss is about over the male contraceptive jab? What a waste of fucking time. Always cum on the tits and face never inside the front burger bum.. simple.
Karen Mathews says the two thinks she misses most behind bars – are sex and shopping. What the fuck is she going on about? She’s in carpet munching heaven where she is and all she needs is a bit of snout to pay for it and bingo! She’s just killed two birds with one stone the sexy bitch.
