Dan Prince Lets One Rip…
I used to live in Primrose Hill in London, party central. I had a pee next to a certain ginger haired TV presenter and DJ and he was that drunk he weed on my shoes completely missing the urinal. So, how I laughed when I heard about him falling down the stairs of a wine bar the other day and ended up in hospital having stitches.
If I have a spare hour in my day I’ll go for a walk, have a pint at my local, do a bit of D-I-Y. So this loon in East London who has gotten into The Guinness World Records by putting 17kg of maggots into a glass in sixty minutes – using his mouth. What the fuck is that all about?
I love the fact romance is never dead. Bringing a mug of tea up to your girl when she opens her eyes in the morning, placing a rose in her knickers in her drawers, spray painting ‘I love you’ on a motorway bridge that you know she’ll drive past on the way to work. Then again, there’s this poll that has just been revealed in Thailand that tells us one in five Thai women want a British husband because they have great toasters, kettles and Hoovers. That’s true love, wanting a hubby for his Dyson…
So you’re a nutter with no brain and go into a shop with a knife to rob them. And then have to flee the premises after being pelted with carrots by the owner. Only in Wales…
Good to see Boy George’s best pal DJ Fat Tony getting off his sex ‘rape’ case in court last week. British justice is so spot on. I mean – gay club promoter Tony, hedonistic, big time caner one of the biggest party kings ever – he’s a proper mummy’s boy and would never get involved in anything below the law.
Liked the story about the ‘gangster’ who blew his cock off by accident with his gun that was in his pocket when sitting down on a train. Nearly as funny as the story about police helicopters racing to a road in Germany after being alerted by a member of the public who reported a ‘horrific kidnap and torture’ – only to find a couple engaging in a S&M bondage act on the hard shoulder. Then there was the guy who drove his Rolls Royce into a Tesco store in Basingstoke after falling out with the manager of the shop – over the price of a mattress.
I love good fathering. Making sure your child does her homework, taking them on exciting and interesting days out, giving them a cuddle and tell them that they love them. So actor Tom Cruise allowing her daughter to eat all her food with chopsticks – including her sandwiches. Nearly as strange and sad as the nursery teacher who sprayed children in her class with air freshener who thought were ‘smelly’. Then there’s the eleven year old whose mum let him climb into a tumble dryer at home and had to get the fire crew out to cut him free. Baffling.
Is it normal to have three craps in the morning?
Liked the promotion of the clothes shop in Manchester who offered free clothes to the first 100 people who turned up naked. Ooh, imagine all those saggy, fish and chip fuelled bums and boobs bouncing down Deansgate…
Weird how that lady was banned from entering Australia by airport officials because her name was Myra Hindley. And weird too that the two petrol station workers have done the off after their bank mistakenly put £4 million quid in their accounts…
Model Danielle Lloyd nearly losing her leg after a drunken brawl at Crystal in London when crashing through a glass table. So why are the pictures of her lying on the floor covered in blood show her laughing. What a silly bitch.
Don’t people just love their pets? But sometimes people go a bit too far. The guy down in Australia who sucked rattlesnake venom out of his dog Tank after he got bitten to save his life.
So the latest youtube phenomenon site that is getting thousands of hits – a postman whose name is Chris P. Bacon – people really do need get out more.
Bristol megastar DJ makes us chuckle…
All you single ladies, all you single ladies, all you single ladies, all you single ladies, put your hands up, or if that’s a bit messy use a dildo.
Another Bank Holiday over until August thank fuck, my liver has been doing the Lambada with my Kidneys then the bastard ‘Birdie Song’ and ‘The Okey Cokey’ all weekend. It’s tiring when you’ve got that going on all the fucking time, next time I have a party on my Pancreas I’ll get some flyers done. I’m also thinking of getting most of my vital organs tattooed before I go to Ibiza this year, could start a trend maybe?
Not only is Gloucester full of Chavs it also has its fair share of weirdos. Where else in the world do residents chase a piece of cheese down a hill for entertainment? No fucking where is the answer. The annual Cheese Chasing event once again took place on Monday where 200 local morons chased a bit of cheese down Coopers Hill. Three were taken to hospital, two with suspected spinal injuries and a further six fainted just watching the event, another was injured after falling out of a fucking tree! I kid you not, these people need mental help – even a dog would give up halfway down thinking fuck this bollocks.
Is it just me or is Susan Boyle from Britain’s Got Talent looking more and more fuckable by the minute. Let’s hope she wins the show on Saturday and gets approached to do a centre spread in next months Razzle so we can all see her big hairy muff.
Curry house owners, don’t bore the fuck out of your customers by banging on about the recession affecting business etc.. stop ripping us off instead and then your place will have people in it. Yes we have noticed that you now need a second mortgage to pay for one fucking meal, charging not only for the meat, but also for the rice which is part of the fucking curry anyway. When you go out bowling, I hope you’re not only get charged for the alley, but also for each individual ball and skittle you tossers.
Why do people find the American TV show Friends funny? Someone walks on set (laugh). Rachel is in the bathroom. (laugh). What’s she doing – brushing her hair (laugh)? Crimewatch is much funnier. It’s hilarious from start to finish, but sadly only on once a month.
Tom Jones and Mariah Carey were each paid £1million to perform for less than an hour at the opening of the world’s most expensive hotel. This is not The Travel Lodge in Swindon, this is the Mardan Palace Hotel in Antalya, Turkey where suites cost £18,000 a night and unlike the Travel Lodge in Swindon, you don’t get a discount if you book online. Now this hotel also has a 24,000 square metre swimming pool and a full size UEFA standard football stadium just in case after a stressful day, you fancy swimming fucking miles and fancy a game of UEFA fucking football like we all do. I’m sorry, but unless you are a total twat you are not gonna pay eighteen grand for all that bollocks. So it could be a year, possibly six months, before this hotel is bought out and becomes The Travel Inn Turkey offering advance discount bookings online and a morning paper?
Oh by the way I’m working on a new project, I’m making a tune with two famous London producers. It’s going to be big in Ibiza this year mark my words. Pete Tong, Annie Mac, Jimmy Saville, Zane Low will be all over it when it comes out on promo soon. Look out for Chas and Dave – ‘Snooker Loopy 2009’ (Conroy’s Dirty Dubstep mix).
See ya…
