The funniest fucker in Bristol opens his heart
A third of people dislike carol singers and a fifth will will not open their door to them says another totally pointless shitty survey. I love it when the carol singers come round, I like to answer the door wearing just a pair of socks and always invite them in for a glass or two of mulled wine.
A bag containing human remains was found dumped next to a motorway slip road at junction 15 of the M5 near Bristol on Monday. Detectives were rushed to the scene and reckon it could be (a) a murder (b) another brilliant bit of work by Banksy.
Britain is tilting say scientists with Scotland getting higher and England sinking. The Durham University study of subsidence and rising sea levels have blamed Michelle McManus moving to Bournemouth for this.
A Whales skull, a heap of dust and a workman’s naked bum are all works in a display by this year’s shortlisted Turner prize artists. Also on the list are a lump of shit, a golf bag, a ladies arm, some marmalade and a skewer which I hope will not only put me on the map as a serious artist, but also earn me a ridiculous amount of cash given to me by some pretentious twat.
Getting into Jordan’s knickers is something new bloke cage fighter Alex Reid looks forward too more than most, as he has now been outed as a cross-dresser called Roxanne. How fucking funny. As Roxanne he wears full make-up, women’s clothes, high heels and even alters his voice to sound like a woman. He also snaps at anyone who calls him Alex while he is in his female character. Now that I would love to see in a cage on fight night, beating his opponent – not by an arm-bar, but taking a stiletto off and hitting him over the head with it until his opponent is unconscious cos the fucking cow got his name wrong. Then during the post fight interview crying on camera in full make up saying, ‘I’m sorry I just snapped’.
Cocaine is now the drug of choice for under 25’s – shock new figures have revealed. What’s fucking shocking about that? These days you can get a bag of chang easier than a bag of chips and even delivered to your home so you don’t have to move your drug addled fat lazy arse further than your front doorstep. I would rather buy £50 worth of chips than a mixture of talcum powder, rat poison, a bit of shit speed and chalk passed off by a chavy dealer as proper flake though.
‘If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning, I’d hammer in the evening, all over this land’ – Peter Sutcliffe 1979.
A surprising total of six fans turned up to see Chris Evans at a book signing at WH Smith in Manchester last week, which was almost double the amount they were expecting.
A new computer game called Internet Eyes will allow players to go on-line and check CCTV cameras and report any dodgy behaviour they spot. I’m looking forward to the new version of the game coming out next year which will also allow you to wear a uniform and drive round in a Police car carrying an extendable baton, some handcuffs and a gun.
English cricket fan Oli Broom is setting off on a 14 month 25,000km cycle ride to Australia to watch the next Ashes series, which hopefully by then will have been re-scheduled to be played in the UK. That would teach the twat not to get on a plane.
A soft drink claiming ‘it will help you beat your granny in an arm wrestle’ has been banned by advertising watchdogs after a man who had bought and drunk the vitamin water not only lost an arm wrestle to his nan, she also wrestled him to the floor and farted in his face.
Just been for a poo round Paul’s place, unfortunately for him he was out so I did it on the kitchen floor.
Dan Prince has been thinking, for a change, who are the biggest arseoles this week…
Lindsay Lohan’s dad complaining he is worried that his daughter is hooked on drugs. Michael, have you had your head buried in the sand for the past three years?
The Rolling Stones wife of Ronnie Wood, Jo Wood forgiving her estranged husband for cheating on her and walking out. Yeah love good move, that’ll bump up your monthly payments from him.
Anthony Shelmerdine from Manchester. He bought a sandwich for three quid that took his bank balance overdrawn and cost him £63 in bank charges. Well you’ve got laugh.
People who do polls for no apparent fucking reason at our expense. This week, it has been revealed that one in four British men still wear underpants they bought 15 years ago. Do these nobodies have nothing better to do than stopping guys on a high street and ask them about their skiddy pants?
Caroline Cartwright from Tyne of Wear. She has been given been given a four year Asbo because she moans so much during sex – seeing hundreds of complaints flooding through to the council by her neighbours. Darling, have you heard of Pickfords? Move or get a muzzle…
Paul Nicholls who spat a 2 inch worm out of his gob whilst eating a doughnut in Worthing. Serves you right you nobhead for buying something from Morrisons.
The council in Brighton. Apparently, bus drivers there will now face the sack if they weigh more than 19 stone in case they break their seat. Dudes, the only people you are going to get driving buses around, every day, around the same route are fat cunts no one else is interested in your shit job.
Nigel Pooley. When people look back at their life and think, oh I am so proud of what I did with my children, my wife, my career – do you think this plonker will be happy that he insured his nose for £5million quid because he can smell the best cheeses for his cheese business? No. I bet you are a real hoot down the pub.
The French. For so many reasons. But this week because they are raving and jumping about as they have just made the world’s longest chip at 9.64 inches. Why do I write about this shit?
Wham’s Andrew Ridgeley – fuck me dude, you’re only 46 and you look 66 in the papers this week – stay off the Cornish Pasties love.
Paul Turner from Cambridgeshire. Oh dear, the world’s most boring man has been made to practise playing the bagpipes in the middle of a farmers field to avoid upsetting his neighbours. Strange that.
Celebrity chef Rick Stein has claimed that the affair which ended his marriage was a result of his fame. No Rick, it’s because you got a hard on and you are weak.
Doris Salisbury, who has been going to the same holiday caravan since 1959 – every year. Love, you have a few years left, grab a flight to Ibiza.
