Bristol’s Superstar DJ Ponders On The Loo..
Don’t know when this snow is gonna stop, but my back lawn has been looking like Kate Moss’s’ coffee table all week.
‘Dad what’s the difference, between a pussy and a cunt?’ a young son asks. “Look at this” says dad as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping wife, “that’s a pussy son”. “Can I touch it dad?”. “No son, if you touch the pussy you’ll wake the cunt up”.
Apparently Britain is going through a mini Ice Age with all this snow and stuff, so remember if there is an old person living on their own near you, pop round ‘cos you never know your luck, they might have a 3 bar electric they could lend you and you might even get a nice hot cup of tea or some soup and a roll.
Amy Winehouse is now addicted to knickers according to the press, how the fuck does that work? Did she lose a pair up her arse crack at a party one weekend and get addicted to polyester? Or maybe when she was once bored shitless and looking for a hit, did she just roll up a pair she had been wearing for a week and smoke the fuckers?
JLS ‘Beat Again’ has been named the best flab fighting tune to exercise to in the gym as it was the most played track by the UK’s gym instructors in 2009… no wonder there’s an obesity problem in this country with that shit blasting out in some fatty’s ears as they manage to sink the rowing machine.
47-year-old Pamela Anderson says she sexes things up in the bedroom by putting on her old Baywatch costume, but these days it looks like she has been poured into it and forgot to say when.
Is it wrong to give a cat a Clamidia test?
The Mint Club in Leeds have got themselves into trouble for offering cut-price entry to their ‘Filth’ night to the first 50 sluts. They should have reworded it to the first 50 people through the door who aren’t blokes, then it wouldn’t have been an issue.
Range Rover was recently named the best car of the decade according to a poll in a well known car magazine. The Mk2 Lotus Elise was runner-up with the £1million Bugatti Veyron and Nissan GT-R were joint second. Where the fuck was the Skoda Octavia in this shitty poll?! But according to George Michael the Range Rover is at it’s peak as a car because it has an airbag in the steering wheel that doubles up as a fucking pillow.
A man almost died after suffering an allergic reaction to the deodorant he got for Christmas. After using the Lynx Fever spray, dad Darren Palmer started coming out in blotches and started to feel faint before being admitted to hospital. 1) Smelly bastard should have looked up the word ‘fever’ in the dictionary. 2) Deodorant ? What a shit Christmas present.
The good thing about Celebrity Big Brother is It is nice to know that Basshunter is in the Big Brother house and nowhere near a fucking recording studio.
I’ve just seen a Facebook group – “Stop Islam march on Wooton Bassett” and feel I could increase it’s popularity ten fold with the use of a simple use of a comma
Coronation Street is to be demolished, it was revealed this week. Britian’s most seen TV set including all the houses and the Rovers Return pub, is to be bulldozed and rebuilt. Now lets hope they film all the action and put it into half hour episodes and I bet half the country will tune in.
Some vandals broke into our local village church last week, they literally took everything that wasn’t nailed down. Thank fuck Jesus was safe.
We’re Bang Up For 2010. Right Here Goes Princey…
People who do handstand’s in swimming pools when they’re on holiday. Do you ever see them do that at home in their garden? No. Well fuck off then.
I’ll never forget my first kiss. My granddad always denies it, but I’ll always treasure it.
Had a great bit of advice over the festive period. Never take cocaine before a group-therapy session. It’s a killer to interrupt a discussion on incest with a great idea for a song.
Is it me only, or is The Queen really fit?
Bumped into an old mate of mine who now works for Tampax. He let me know that they were going for the position of next year’s sponsor of the Liverpool football team. Apparently “to sponsor a bunch of cunts going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about.”
Russell Brand and Katy Perry getting married. Always knew The Krankies would have children one day.
Why are people so against the morning after pill? Okay, here’s a thought. The best idea to put young kids off getting up the duff is this. Watch the fucking Telletubbies and think what life will be like for three years after watching that with your monsters. Grim.
Chris Evans on Radio 2. Chris Moyle’s must be bricking it.
Barbados, New York, Sydney, The Maldives, Ibiza, Las Vegas, The Seychelles – just a few places I’d like to holiday this year. Bit surprised to see though that the holiday companies have revealed that this year’s most popular destination for Brits is Malaga in Spain. Recession? What recession?
Another celebrity split up. That areole mechanic from Eastenders and the Minder’s lard arse daughter. Well I did look for a card in the shop, but I couldn’t find one that said ‘thank fuck for that’. You’d find more brain cells in a sock.
A dating agency website has banned 5000 ugly people who ‘let themselves go’ over Christmas. I’ve tried it, but there is no way I could let myself go 5000 times over Christmas – Kleenex would go bust. Come All Ye Faithful.
