Mr Conroy. Take To the Stage…
Last week I got a surprise call from an ex girlfriend. It’s been ages, but I have never forgotten the fun in the sack we had together. When she suggested we give it another go I explained I wasn’t so sure as I’m not the man I was, I’ve gained a bit of a beer belly, a few more wrinkles here and there and have less hair. She laughed and said not to worry as she had put on a few pounds herself… I told her to fuck off and hung up.
Driving on the Ice is like Anal sex. One slip and you can really fuck up someone’s rear end.
Alexandra Burke says she’s finding it hard to find a man. Well stop singing shit songs then.
You may have enjoyed the recent snow and with more forecast, we must all remember to look after our feathered friends as they will be finding food scarce. Just take a few minutes out and pop down your nearest pet shop and buy a bag of nuts. And I am sure you will agree, there is no finer sight on a winters morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack.
3D Telly in the shops this year? I don’t think so… 1) You still have to wear those stupid fucking glasses. 2) Dancing On Ice in 3D – I would rather watch my sister cover herself in shit and dance naked with my dad in my own front garden.
Have you seen that new Saturday night dating show on ITV ‘Take Me Out’? If I had a fucking machine gun I would do everyone a favor and go on the show and happily take the fucking lot of them out.
A new study by scientists reckon if you have fat around the arse and thighs, you are more likely to live longer… that must put a smile on the face of two thirds of the girls in America and half the girls in the UK! Its also fascinating to know that if she wanted to, my girlfriend could probably outlive a giant tortoise.
Vinnie Jones and Alex Reid in the Celeb Big Brother house, brilliant!
Went to a nice restaurant just off Oxford Street last night. Waitress said ‘sorry about the wait’ . I said dont worry fatty you’ll lose it eventually.
I wonder if Lady Sovereign thinks ‘Kevin And Perry Go Large In Ibiza’ is a documentary?
Daredevil 65 year old Bernie Williams from Cardiff, is the first man to parachute from a hot air balloon while riding a motorbike… what an absolute bell end.
Hannah Waterman loses a pile of weight then leaves her husband, what a fucking cunt’s trick. What she has failed to realize is that sitting on top of that new body of hers is one pig ugly head which cant be changed by lying on a floor and thrusting your hips up and down in a leotard.
I got one of those stick deodorants on Saturday. The instructions said ‘remove cap and push up bottom’ …I am still finding it hard to walk, but on the upside, whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
Dan Prince shows His Arse To The World
So me revealing I fancy The Queen of England has ruffled a few feathers. The legal shit I can deal with, but some friends have come out of the woodwork admitting they fancy some right mingers. Here we go…”Delia Smith (a cook in the kitchen, whore in the bedroom). Benazir Bhutto (before she was shot up obviously). Sarah Palin (cliche’d housewife fantasy) and (with a hesitation) John Prescott’s missus (a working class Liz Taylor). I mean, how do I follow that? Well, lying in bed last night I did get a semi thinking about Winston Churchill, my dog and Boris Becker.
Interesting new report that came out this week revealing a couple of bizarre facts. The G-Spot nearly came to be known as the Whipple Tickle and also, breast implants can actually slow you down – no wonder Jordan loves riding horses so much, she’d never get off the sofa.
This year’s Celebrity Big Brother. Who are these people? Vinnie Jones I’ll give you a shot as a) you’re gonna win it and b) groped Paul Gascoigne’s bollocks. Ivana Trump – you can get an okay as I’ve heard you’ve got big lips. So let’s see what the dictionary says about what a ‘celebrity’ actually is…
1. A famous person
2. Immortal
3. An important person
4. An influential person
5. A social icon
6. Someone who has a considerable prominence
8. Someone who is the toast of the town
6. A guiding light
Great. Shame though that cage fighter Alex and part time singer Dane Bowers think that a guiding light means a torch.
Just like to wish you a Happy Christmas for 2011.
Love the story about the taxi driver having a fag in his cab and was fined £610 for smoking ‘in his workplace’ by a passing policeman. Hey we all need a spliff from time to time, Swansea Council, chill out man. Go with the groove, try twisting your melons man..
Where have Lily Allen’s tits gone?
So hip hop dude Wyclef raises a million quid for Haiti in the same week that Beyonce earns two million big ones for doing a live show for dictator Colonel Gaddafi’s jet-setting son’s birthday party. Sleep well love. You must have a huge bed with the size of your arse.
Harveys – The Furniture Store, some great prices in the sale for mirrored wardrobe doors at the moment.
Liverpool Football manager Rafa Benitez, oh give the lad some slack. Just because he’s got a bloody goatee beard, it’s no need to get him sacked.
Right is it me, or does Osama bin Laden looks like DJ Nicky Holloway?
So Cocaine has been found in a Space Shuttle hangar weeks before a blast off into Space in March. Now is it me, and I do know the authorities are doing all they can to found out who is responsible, but my mate down at Ladbrokes says his money is on NASA Chief, Charlie Bolden. Charlie mate, it’s too much of a coincidence pal.
My next door neighbour Mrs Pritchard has a new pair of glasses.
Poor white families in England are “struggling” to keep up with ethnic minorities, a Minister claimed the other day. Well get down the fucking gym and leave off the chips. You’ll catch ’em up.
Really gutted to discover that The Sun newspaper’s ‘Deidre’s Photo Casebook’ is actually full of actors and stories like ‘I feel used after my wife fixed it for me to bed her hot sister’ just aren’t true. Wanks just won’t be the same again.
David Beckham is quitting football after the World Cup I saw in the newspaper the other day. Sorry, have I missed something here? Was that a re-run of a story from 2002 just before the World Cup in South Korea?
Headline in my local paper this week. ‘Ryanair in pilots row’. Surely they should be concentrating on getting planes into the air rather than taking a dingy out for a paddle?
Sometimes you hear on the news something that you think – no that
that can’t be true’. This week, Scottish Health Secretary Nicola
Sturgeon revealed that on average, Scottish people over the age of 16
drink 47 bottles of Vodka a year. Okay, I’ll believe that one. But
surely they missed the number ‘1’ out before the annual quote of 47
bottles?
