Farewell to the fuckers…
A – Agencies
Dating Agencies – cut the bullshit profiles and save us the embarrassment of meeting on-line monsters. Here are some popular words used decoded.
ADVENTUROUS – Slut
ATHLETIC – No Tits
30 SOMETHING – 41
FUN – Annoying
WILD – Get’s pissed easily
BEAUTIFUL EYES – Ugly
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR – Ex-Husband is a fucking nutter
NEW AGE – A smelly and hairy Mary.
HEADSTRONG – Argumentative
ENJOYS PUBS & CLUBBING – Alcoholic
GREAT PERSONALITY – Fat
LIKES GOING TO THE GYM – Fat
CURVY – Fat
CUDDLY – Fat
LIKES EATING OUT – Fat
LIKES NIGHTS IN – Fat
SLIM – Fat
B – Britain’s Got Talent and Blind people
See Britain’s Got Talent started with a boom, early favourite is the ballet dancing dog Chadi. Simon has already said he wants a dog to win. Shame Amy Winehouse didn’t enter this year.
I tell you what’s a touchy subject. Braille.
C – Caretakers and children
I Can still remember playtime at school. A bit of footy, sneaking a quick cigarette, the occasional pile-on, fighting in the playground, selling a bit of weed and trying to finger girls behind the bike sheds. I fucking loved that caretaker’s job.
A boy comes down the stairs dressed in his best suit carrying a torch, his dad asks him where he’s going dressed like that? “On a date” his son replies. His dad looks puzzled and says “when I was dating I never used to take a torch”, ‘exactly’ says his son, “and look what you fucking ended up with”.
D – Doctors and door to door salemen
Had to go to the doctors on Monday to get my aching testicles checked out. While the GP was cupping my balls, he said ‘Don’t worry, it’s quite normal to get an erection during this kind of examination’ I said ‘Fuck off I haven’t got an erection’ he said ‘No, but I have’.
Just sitting down to watch the footy, there’s a knock at the door, I open it, there’s two blokes standing there asking me what bread I eat. I told them I eat white bread, they then spent the next 30 mins banging on about brown bread…fucking hovis witnesses.
E – Ex-girlfriends
Split up with my girlfriend last week. She said I think about football more than I think about her. I was devastated, I’ve been with her 12 seasons.
F – Fits
Just bought my Epileptic mate a strobe light for Christmas. He’ll have a fucking fit when he sees it.
G – Grocers shops
Is it wrong to wait around grocer shops waiting for young girls to buy bananas?
H – Horses
I bought a Racehorse at the weekend and decided to call him ‘My Face’. I don’t care if he doesn’t win a race or make any money. I just want to hear all the posh totty at Ascot shouting “Cum On My Face!’
I – The iPad
Apple unveil their latest gadget this week ‘the ipad’. I haven’t seen it yet but girls, it sounds like the days of using tampax are over.
J – JLS
Are set to launch their own brand condoms to encourage safe sex they say. They are gonna call their brand of condom Just Love Safe using the bands initials, or maybe they should have gone for Johnnys for Losers with Small cocks.
K – Kilts
You know you are getting old when you find yourself in a department store looking at different styles of kilts.
L – Lenny Henry, Lady Ga Ga and Liverpool
How Ironic… looks like Lenny Henry will be finding out how comfortable a real Travel Inn is for the next six months.
Lady Ga Ga has been to see her doctor because she has an overly hairy chest. The doctor asked her to unbutton her top and after a quick look said ‘Wow! how far do’s that hair go down Miss Ga Ga?’ she said ‘all the way to my bollocks’
I see Liverpool has the fewest cycle accidents of 55 British cities’ polled including Oxford and Cambridge. What a fucking surprise. It’s very difficult to walk out of a shop with a Raleigh Grifter under your trackie top.
M – Marriage Guidance Councillors, meal times and mum’s
Marriage Guidance Councillor to couple: ‘Tell me something you both have in common?’. After a long silence husband replies ‘Well neither of us suck cock.’
Traditional meal times are making a comeback with half of all families eating together says new Birds Eye research. What it doesn’t say, is you don’t get much fucking choice when you eat in a prison.
Mothers Day on Sunday… spent it the traditional way – a bag of weed, a few lines of Columbia’s finest then off down the local to neck a few pints, popped down the bookies, stopped for a kebab, then back to mine to listen to some dubstep & grime then watched some dirty porn and did some bongs. And then I got her a taxi home.
N – Neighbours
I asked my next door neighbour’s kids if I could join in with their water fight in the garden on Sunday. You should have seen them shit themselves and run inside when I started boiling the kettle.
O – Old Aged Pensioners and the Olympics
I saw an old lady getting a right kicking at a bus stop in Bristol last Friday, I would have stepped in and helped her but I wasn’t sure who started it.
It’s not long before London hosts the 2012 Olympic games and when it does it won’t be the first time in the east end of London that there’s a gunshot and a load of men run like fuck.
P – Parents and plumbers
Met my girlfriends Mum and Dad for the first time on Saturday at a funeral. Right pair of miserable bastards.
Having some work done at home, and the stupid plumber who’s German connected the gas pipe to the shower. Old habits die hard I suppose.
Q – Queens
“Try everything once except incest, piercing your bell end and muff diving” – Cliff Richard, 1998.
R – Roads and rape
Driving across Salisbury Plain on Tuesday – what a bastard journey that was. I skidded on some garlic mayo, then some thousand island dressing and slid on some tomato salsa. They should put up some warning signs, that fucking road is full of hidden dips.
My Girlfriend said she wanted a rape alarm. So this morning I held her down, covered her mouth, grabbed her hair and fucked her quickly…then whispered ‘It’s time to get up love’.
S – Simon Cowell
Simon Cowell has revealed he is a “nine out of ten in bed”. Er, are talking centimeters here? Also, I’m glad he’s doing a record for Haiti victims, but a cover of ‘Boom! Shake The Room’ is a bit fucking harsh.
T – Tiger Woods and Tango
Just found some bondage gear, handcuffs, a size 16 nightie, a dildo, a soiled golf bag and a Tiger Woods putter in my girlfriends wardrobe – should I be worried?
What’s the difference between Tango and Rohypnol? You know when you’ve been Tango’d.
U – Uncles
My Uncle died peacefully in his sleep last week.. unlike his screaming passengers.
V – Vengeance
Hat’s off to the four women in America who some how were spared jail last week after taking revenge on the guy who was cheating on them all. Whichever lady came up with the idea of luring him to a hotel and then gluing his cock to his belly is a genius.
W- Welders and weather reporters
Bumped into Will.i.am inside the Bacardi VIP area at his Black Eyed Peas concert in London the other night where he was canoodling with Cheryl Cole. Conroy’s right, his glasses do look like welder’s glasses, it’s good to see that some pop stars do keep another job going to fall back on if the music goes tits up. I had a quite word with him and told him to be careful about the three mistakes that welders make when buying auto darkening welding helmets; They don’t check the speed of the sensor which can be potentially fatal. They don’t check the range the helmet can adjust the lens to. And more than often, they cheap out worrying about the price of the helmet. We embraced like men who know their welding stuff and went our seperate ways.
More snow? Don’t fucking think so. Turned on the telly last night and there was the weather girl saying she was expecting 8 inches She’ll be fucking lucky with a face like that.
X – X-Rated
Shocking news has revealed that a 13 year old girl has recently had a baby with a 15 year old boy. Why a baby would take part in a threesome is beyond me?
Y – Yate Shopping Centre
Just heard an ad on the radio station in Bristol which boasts ‘Yate Shopping Centre for everything you need’. That’s presuming you need, A) drugs, B) being beaten up and stabbed or C) your fucking head tested. What a shit hole Yate is. It is the only place in the UK where the fucking rainbow comes out in black & white.
Z- zzzzzzzz
When I was a student I earn’t my dues doing a paper round and washing cars around the neighborhood. So what the fuck is this student doing in Birmingham getting paid £1000 to sleep in a bed in a shop window for a month? What an absolute helmet.
