The Funniest Story of 2008
“The story about the man with a beard who got pregnant, what the fuck was that all about? Did some ex-girlfriend tell him to go fuck himself? Well he did – or did he come out of prison after a long stretch and suddenly think, hang on, there has got to be a good reason I’ve been barfing every morning, why am I eating coal, why don’t my trousers fit and oh shit, my periods have stopped? A few more that spring to mind – Amy Winehouse punching a fan in the crowd at Glastonbury, George Michael falling asleep in his car again at traffic lights in London, Kerry Katona appearing on This Morning off her tits, Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross leaving rude messages on Andrew Sachs answer machine and the retards at Radio 2 using it as a Podcast, oh and also Boy George being found guilty of imprisoning a rent boy with handcuffs at his house in London.”

Biggest wanker of 2008
“Kerry Katona”

Best Record of 2008
“Bette Midler’s ‘Stab Me In The Tea Towel Holder'”

My Most Embarrassing Personal Story out in clubland of 2008
“Being woken up by the Guardia Civil at eight in the morning lying face down in the sand on the beach outside Es Paridis in Ibiza with a shoe missing and covered in ‘free entry’ club stamps.”

Best Club of 2008
“The British Leigon, Fishponds, Bristol.”

Worst Club of 2008
“The Tufty Club, Hackney. London.”

Worst promoter of 2008
“Tufty”

Best promoter of 2008
“Big Ears.”

The best DJ of 2008
“Janice Long.”

Best film of 2008
“Bambi 3 – The Revenge.”

The two celebrities I would really want to share an evening naked in bed with…
“Timmy Mallet and David Van Day”

Best place to buy drugs in my hometown
“Tasties, St Pauls, Bristol.”

What did I think of the result of X-Factor?
“Fucking spot on I can’t stand Gareth Gates.”

The best band of 2008
“The Bay City Rollers.”

2009 – my fashion tips…
“Aqua Marine Blue with a hint of Strolling Pastel.”

The Best footballer of 2008
“Callum Best.”

The tune that hasn’t never left my box this year
“The Dooleys ‘Chosen Few’.”

The ugliest girl I banged this year
“Karen Mathews.”