Dan Prince gets on his soap box…
Boy George. Oops. How many time are you gonna drop the soap in the showers Mr O’Dowd?
Author Tony Parsons, slagging off Chris Moyles calling him”the grotesquely overweight Radio 1″ and “the fattest man ever to work for Radio 1” for his remarks on regarding Polish peoples as “good cleaners, prostitutes and fixing cars” – dude, you played right into his hands there giving him a full page rant in your Daily Mirror column…stick to your books because we love Moyles. Vix Magazine got it completely right with their ‘Tony Parsehole’ feature…and anyway, shouldn’t us Brits be filling the jobs out there?
Bumping into H from Steps in Soho, never have I thought of an excuse so quickly to do one.
The four guys dressed in drag storming into famous Parisian jewellery store Harry Winston and strolling out with £75m worth of diamonds – cool.
I went to see a friend in Maidstone last week, first off I told her off for living in Maidstone – what a shit hole, and secondly going for a walk with her down a country lane and seeing firemen using a cow harness to haul a huge Bull Mastiff dog out of a well…does everyone see this sort of shit or is it just me?
The teacher who was suspended for making her pupils do press ups when they arrived late in class – fuck me, I got a cane slapped over my arse…didn’t complain though.
Beyonce live on the X-Factor Final December 13th, I’d better get some Kleenex in for that then – and what about poor old reject Laura White now singing in the nightclub chain Chicago Rock Cafe…the only way is up love.
Pete Doherty’s songwriting partner Mick Whitnall from The Babyshambles has been charged with possessing Crack Cocaine…well that surprised me. Next you’ll be telling me Amy Winehouse does drugs.
The guy in Bonn, Germany who died of a heart attack after locking himself in a sex shop booth whilst watching’Satan Sluts of Brmen’ – well I couldn’t find down at my local Blockbusters.
The Lottery millionaire from Cumbria who has just got banged up for dealing coke…addicted yourself pal?
Peaches Geldof’s party at The Rex in London last week, wow, as hangovers go my head felt like a skip had just been dumped on it.
This prick from Worcester who kept a live bomb on his desk as a paperweight for two years after thinking it was a dud…words escape me here folks.
The guy arrested for smoking crack in Florida, in the street, dressed as Santa Claus.
Now I have been to some parties over the year’s – let’s see raves, festivals, villa parties on the beach, superclubs…you get the gist. But the news that there was a party thrown to celebrate the 50th Anniversary of the First Long Distance phone call from Bristol to Edinburgh this week – I mean hullo?
Right another nonsense poll that was revealed this week, the advert for ‘John West Tinned Salmon’ featuring a bear kung fu fighting being voted the funniest ad of all time – were the people who organised and for voted all suffering from Alzheimer’s, what a boring thing to decide on in your life…
So a ‘certain’ major music magazine has just published a poll where various journalists, readers and members of staff have voted the ‘100 Greatest Singers Of All Time’ – so Aretha Franklin tops the chart, Frank Sinatra and George Michael don’t even make it in, and even worse, no mention of Timmy Mallet. Scandalous.
Liverpool footballer Steven Gerrard has agreed to having his name on a new £150m Dubai residential block – The Steven Gerard Tower – “I am truly priviliged to be part of such a pioneering project” – bollocks you whiney little money grabber, I don’t suppose the £1m penthouse they gave you influenced you? Football though is pretty strange at the moment, we have Rosenborg defender calling Valencia’s fans gay, Nurnberg woamn’s player Eva Roob coming out saying Christian Ronaldo would make a good Go-Go dancer and Argentinian midfielder Juan Roman Riquelme getting done for misconduct after abusing a home fan who waved his testicles at him. What a strange world we live in…
Bristol’s cruelest let’s one go…
“I went into Blockbusters last night and said to the bloke behind the counter, “can I have Batman Forever?” He said “buy the DVD and you can have it as long as you like”.
They say ‘Nine Out Of Ten Cats Prefer Whiskers’, I think my cat’s one of those because when I shave them off he gets clumsy and bumps into everything and keeps falling over.
It has been revealed this week that Irish pigs have Cancer Chemicals – this has come to light only two weeks after British pigs have been given the go ahead to use Tazar Guns – when will it all stop?
Hitch Hikers – improve your chances of getting a lift by NOT dressing up as a hunt saboteur and waving half a cardboard box at passing cars.
Congratulations Bristol on having the shittest Christmas lights you have ever seen, fuck me they are shite.
How funny is this… my dentist is called Mr Kipling and yesterday I went in for a check up and he gave me two blackberry and apple fillings and I gotta say they are exceedingly good.
My Mum is constantly nagging me to get married, I really think she is going to have to meet me half way and divorce my Dad first.
Question – was Mark Owen from Take That in ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’ or Fiddler On The Roof’? I can’t remember?
Hmmm, the Gordon Ramsey ‘Hot Shag’ hotel book – meet a slut, add a bottle of Rioja, take the slut to the room, simmer, put meat in oven, leave in for 30 seconds, add a splash of cream – DONE.
Unemployment in the UK will hit 3.5 million by 2010 say the experts, that’s the wonder of Woolworth’s.
Who thinks London needs a new Mayor? I do, what about Dean Gaffney?
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to give her poor doggy a bone, when she got there the cupboard was bare – firstly, why the fuck was she looking for a bone in a food cupboard – a bit odd don’t you think? Secondly, go shopping you fucking selfish lazy old bitch or that dog will die.
Is it me or is Karen Mathews is looking like a dirty, hot little filthy sex siren at the moment?
Another money saving tip this Christmas, do what I do and return last year’s cards to the sender with the inscription ‘same to you’.
British scientists have created a ‘liquid bone’ that can be injected into the body – they say the invention which has won an Innovation Award could be in use in the UK by 2012 – what’s wrong with a good old fashioned cock?
I was in the car with my nan on Monday and she was screaming at me “the roads are wet, we’re going too fast, we’re gonna die!’. So I said, “that’s enough, pull over I’ll drive”.
This years ‘King of the Jungle’ on ITV’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here is Joe Swash, hardly a celeb though, only a few months ago he was running a shitty little market stall in the East End of London. David Van Day was funny, I had a Dollar on him winning.
Why don’t Crimewatch do a Christmas special or at least bring out a DVD with all the best bits on? Although I watched Crimewatch on the telly recently and they ended the show with the line…’don’t have nightmares’ – an hour later I went to bed and woke up screaming after dreaming I was being bitten in the Kidney by an enormous wasp. As a payer of the licence fee I feel the presenters concerned should be sacked.”
