Dan Prince and his thoughts on a weird world
The US of A always brings a smile to my face. The prick in Muncie, Indiana who has been locked up for a year after going on a spree stealing false teeth from the mouths of old age pensioners.
Hmmm, did you hear about the story about a tonne cocaine found in the belly of a shark? Suddenly getting eaten by a Great White doesn’t seem a bad way to go…
Victoria Beckham I see had a breast reduction operation because she was fed up being perceived as a WAG. She flew in from to Los Angeles to a chateau in the French Riviera after the op, then boarded a private jet to London and is apparently then off to Italy. Yup, a couple of inches off her knockers has really calmed her down.
Those poor guys who had to fight off a bear that crawled into their tent whilst camping in Romania. Boys, I’ve had worst crawl into my tent whilst camping. Jackie from Walsall for instance…
Britain’s Got Talent? Britain’s Gone Mad. David Hawes and Carol Whelan from Norwich got married with two lambs as bridesmaids in Co Durham last week. I hope they shit all down the aisle.
Michael Jackson’s press release asking for a child to appear on stage at his London O2 gig, nice gesture. The only stipulation is that the kid has to have missing limbs or be in a wheelchair.
Loving the story about the 49 year old New York geezer who posed as his dead mum for six years to claim £70,000 in benefit. God she must have been one ugly motherfucker.
Another stupid survey. Blokes who talk about ex-lovers are the biggest turn off for girls on a first date. Jesus, if I talked about my ex-lovers on a first date the poor girl would choke on her Ravioli with tears streaming down her face laughing. Let’s put it this way, I could link all of them to every animal to ‘Old Macdonald Had A Farm’.
However, I can quite honestly say I have never cheated on one of the pigs. Pity then the poor lad in Hong Kong whose wife thought he was cheating on her and whilst he was asleep poured boiling hot porridge on his nob. Ouch.
Germany. Full of nutbags. Frankfurt Airport this week unveiled a new vending machine for investors – it dispenses bars of pure gold. Erm, two words…ram raid.
See Jack Tweed is still in mourning for Jade Goody. Spotted him at Mayfair’s British Luxury Club last week surrounded by girls at his £1000 costing private table.
The world gets madder. Margaret Chambers, 69, woke up at her house in Ramsgate to find thieves had nicked her pond from her back garden. A sex course for year olds in Merseburg, Germany has sold out before it starts in September. And builder Tony Hattersley must from now on drink only in the beer garden of his local pub because his pet squirrel is now barred. Bonkers.
The pics of Kerry Katona on a beach in Spain eating her lunch – fish and chips, pork ribs and chips, fried garlic prawns, a can of coke, a pint of lager and a Bacardi Breezer. One word springs to mind and it’s not fatty. Harpoons.
Think Jordan’s possibly the biggest arseole in the world, but loved her quote about soon to be ex-husband Peter Andre – “I hear he’s big in China but, so is eating chicken feet.”
Bristol DJ Superstar Paul Conroy Gets A Bit Of His Chest
I spoilt my girlfriend at the weekend. I took one of her teeth out and poured coffee in her hair.
You girls, boob-jobs, nose-jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, liposuction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, pierced nipples, pierced bellies, pierced clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, legs waxed, lips tattooed, tits tattooed, arms tattooed, legs tattooed, ridiculous diets, strenuous exercise – and THEN, you won’t take it up the arse because “it hurts”.
An Iceland store in Oldham near Manchester has closed down – looking at the latest photos of Kerry Katona, it looks like she has eaten it’s fucking contents and cleaned the fucking place out.
Apparently Amanda Holden is set to be the ‘new Cilla Black’. What happened to the old one? is it a bit like getting a new car, do they trade in and scrap the old one, I fucking hope so…she gets on my fucking tits. They should also bring back the old Saturday night TV classic Blind Date, but bring the show up to date – the dates get picked via the internet, they post the ‘lets see how they got on’ bit on Red Tube and to win a prize the audience have got to work out if the girl consented has had her fucking drink spiked.
Can’t believe they have revealed who The Stig is on Top Gear. Dean Gafney! I knew it all along it was fucking obvious as every now and then you could see Wellard that fucking dog of his in the background playing with a tennis ball. As I said before I hate fucking Top Gear it’s like watching The Last Of The Summer Wine with cars. A program for men with small cocks and no fucking life.
Wimbledon is on telly again and I only discovered this walking passed Curry’s window in town on Monday. I haven’t got a clue who’s playing and I don’t care either. It used to be a huge British sporting event that marked the start of the summer, but these days I would rather have a shit in a nightclub toilet than watch this outdated wank in my front room. The funniest Wimbledon was when it rained none stop and Cliff Richard got up grabbed a mic on centre court and burst into song. Imagine the fucking misery of being there. And everybody within range started singing along with him because they thought he was carrying a knife.
Did anyone go to the Summer Solstice celebrations on June the 21st at Stonehenge this year. Gotta say I gave it a miss again.. well its hardly The Space opening or the Burning man Festival. It’s just a load of hedge monkeys off their tits on LSD dancing around what looks like Shane Macgowans teeth at an annual event that sounds like one of Delia Smiths puddings.
Rasberry, Strawberry, Elderberry, Blueberry, Glastonbury – Michael Eavis 2009
Veteran Rocker Bruce Springsteen headlined Glastonbury I see. He no doubt belted out a string of classics including ‘Two Become One’ ‘Stop’ and ‘Wannabe’. If you didn’t get a ticket this year, just stay at home and get your friends to come round and take a shit on you every couple of hours while you lie in your garden off your face in your own piss listening to some boring rock band on your i-pod.
