Dan Prince gets his bit in between his teeth…
Been thinking about this for a while now. Wars are going around the world, there is a huge credit crunch going on around us, model’s banging cage fighter – but what is really troubling me is this – why do taxi drivers have a box of tissues on their back shelf of their cars?
When I was a student I earn’t my dues doing a paper round and washing cars around the neighborhood. So what the fuck is this student doing in Birmingham getting paid £1000 to sleep in a bed in a shop window for a month?
I love my dogs. I don’t mind picking up their shit, wiping up their piss and turning the other way when they fart – but this dude who has had some ear plugs made for his pigs to wear when he hosts a rock festival on his farm later this month. Rash On.
51 year old Sharon Stone’s knockers look great don’t they?
Weirdest story I have heard this decade. Walkers in the Austrian Alps are being offered insurance in case they are bitten by cows.
Some things really amaze me. That canoeist who survived for years out at sea, England winning the Ashes, an aging MP called Lembit dating a model – and on the same sort of lines, I was so surprised to hear about the 64 year old prick from Wales getting divorced from his 17 year old neighbour. Weird that.
‘Jordan Has A Brazilian’ raged the front page of The Sun newspaper. Okay, okay – don’t worry. I have spoken to the new Editor Dominic Mohan who was appointed yesterday, and he has promised me the number 50 won’t be left out of headlines again.
What do you say when the barman isn’t looking, your mate pees in a pint pot?
I see Big Brother is to be scrapped after poor ratings this Summer. The thing is, it’s not the contestants who are the problem. Because from day one they have been there for their five minutes of fame – it’s the over paid, crap, arse-on seats, pompous pricks running the show that has turned what was once a great show, into a programme that resembles watching paint dry.
I have hobbies. I like swimming, painting, taking my god-children to zoos, going to museums. So this cunt who has spent the last six months of his life in a shopping centre asking people whether they wake up in a morning via their mobile phone or by an alarm clock…one word springs to mind. Single.
Doctors are great aren’t they? They stop our sniffles, get rid of our annoying ear problems, cure our children’s’ cold’s – and then there was that lovely German doctor last weekend who helped a lady by stitching her bitten off ear to her bum prior to re-attachment after an accident. People are so nice.
Is it wrong I am off to ‘Bestival’ dressed as Morph?
I asked you a couple of weeks ago was it wrong to fancy Pete Andre. Kerry Katona is now up on my bedroom wall.
Paul Conroy steps up to the dish plate…
One in ten youngsters admits driving while under the influence of drugs, and who can blame them. Car journeys are fucking boring at the best of times. Traffic chaos, roadworks, endless queues and speed cameras would force any young person to do some gear before going from A to B. But I can also see the danger as it was only the other day I drove past a car and saw a teenage driver behind the wheel smoking a fucking spliff. I was so shocked I spat my fag out and dropped my can of Special Brew all over my fucking lap and almost hit a tree and ruined a pair of new jeans.
‘Knifeman Goes On The Rampage’ say’s the front page of The Bristol Evening Post…can’t say I blame him, if you lived in Bristol long enough you would probably end up doing the same.
The oldest racing driver in the UK is looking for a sponsor if anyone is interested? 74 year old Philip Barak may have to retire if he can’t find backing…so come on any funeral directors, insurance companies or similar businesses out there, don’t miss this great opportunity.
About 90% of banknotes in the US carry traces of cocaine, up 20% on levels revealed two years ago. I don’t get why Americans use cocaine because all cocaine does is turn you into a fucking American anyway. A normally reserved British person at a party turns into an nauseating, boring insincere loud annoying cock given a couple of lines of party powder. So imagine what a boring insincere loud annoying cock will be like after a bit of sniff – that’s why I don’t go to parties in the US.
Traditional meal times are making a comeback with half of all families eating together says new Birds Eye research. What it doesn’t say, is you don’t get much fucking choice when you eat in a prison.
An old lady is suing Tesco’s after a pineapple fell on her head while she was out shopping. She said “I was in the reduced section for fruit, looking at some of the bargains on the second shelf. Another lady was looking at the pineapples on the top shelf. The next thing I know – clunk – I got hit on the back of the head. I dropped my basket and staggered to the floor. My vision was blurred. I could not think straight. I sat there for a while and got my bearings.” Er, well did you check to see if you still had a mobile and a purse because a tropical fruit from one shelf up in Tesco’s isn’t gonna fuck you up like that is it love? You’ve either been mugged or you’re going for a classic no win-no fee claim… my money is on the latter.”
A block of Ice with a condom in it fell from the sky narrowly missing drinkers in a pub in Worksop, Nottingham. No one knows where it came from, but let’s be honest, if you were to spot a johnny in your ice lolly you would lob the fucker without thinking.
New MOD documents released have revealed a list of previously unknown UFO sightings around the UK (or are too many people doing gear) including an alien with a lemon shaped head who tried to abduct two men as they headed home after a night out (probably a melon). A twirling set of lights above `a jazz tent trying to communicate with two women (work that one out for yourself) and a ten foot wide metallic object with flashing lights underneath that left marks in the ground – my money is on a fucking aeroplane.
It’s not long before London hosts the 2012 Olympic games and when it does it won’t be the first time in the east end of London that there’s a gunshot and a load of men run like fuck.
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