Paul Conroy Steps Onto His Soapbox…
Just bought some sausages from Sainsburys and on the front of the packet is a picture of Jamie Oliver and written on the back it says ‘prick with a fork’… can’t argue with that.
A thief in South Yorkshire has been arrested for stealing flowers from a cemetery and selling them in city centre pubs. Now I know there is a recession on, but somehow I don’t think this man will be appearing on the new series of Dragons Den.
In an Industry full of egos Stephen Gately was a rare star who never let it all go to his head, despite his success, he never let celebrity or fame affect who he was. He will be sadly missed and I’m sure many fans would agree Take That will never be the same again.
Some stupid tits at the BBC have re-written the nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty by giving it a happy ending to make it less offensive. The words were changed for a CBeebies kids show so instead of ‘couldn’t put humpty together again’ they have changed the ending to ‘made Humpty Dumpty happy again’. They say this makes the poem more real, no it doesn’t you morons – whats fucking real about an egg with a face and legs sat on a fucking wall then falling off for no other reason than it’s an egg…and have you ever seen a horse trying to use superglue?
Story in the news last week about a pregnant woman who got pregnant whilst being pregnant. How the fuck does that work? That’s like catching a cold while you’ve already got one. Couldn’t she wait? Dirty bitch.
I hear Nalin & Kane ‘Beachball’ is to be the new Liverpool football club anthem.
Is It me, or should there be a compulsory drug test for all guest artists who appear on X-Factor? Looks like they are having some fucking fun backstage. Last week Robbie Williams looking like a cross between Lee Evans and a demented murderer, he didn’t sing ‘Angels’ but I bet you he was probably fucking seeing them by the time he went on. And I’m surprised Whitney Houston didn’t sing ‘I Will Always Love Glue’ looking at the fucking state of her on Sunday.
Why does every bastard with a cold tell you they have got fucking Swine Flu?! I’m no doctor, but no, you don’t have Swine Flu, you have a cold. It’s a bit like people with Eczema telling you they have leprosy or someone with a cough telling you they have the Black Plague. Chill the fuck out, have a drink, it might be your last.
Fruit flavored Condoms, not only fun, but a good way to insure she is getting her ‘five a day’.
Gotcha! Noel Edmonds has been caught driving an unlicensed Taxi on a Bus lane in Bristol. And there was me thinking presenting Deal Or No Deal was his full time job?
University student Philip Laing who thought it would be hilarious to piss on a war memorial in Sheffield faces court this week. His friends say their 19 year old pal was just unlucky, as on previous nights out his antics have included wanking on a gravestone and having a shit on a church roof.
Is It wrong to shear a Guinea Pig and cover it in aftershave?
Excuses for binge-drinking vary throughout the country says a new survey. Some blame stress, some blame a hectic social life, some blame friends and peer pressure, but the happy news is most people surveyed say it was to temporarily relieve them of their fucking miserable existance.
I have been sent this cheery recession poem by one of our readers Clare Wallis aged 8.
There was a young man called Dave,
Who dug up a prostitute’s grave,
There was maggots and shit,
And only one tit,
But look at the money he saved.
Politically correct? Those words aren’t in Dan Prince’s dictionary.
The fat wanker who wanted to become the ‘fattest person in the world’, Paul Mason – 70 stones heavy who eats four large cod’s, two pies, four battered sausages, six packs of large chips, mushy peas and curry sauce – for lunch every day. Sorry, woah, stop me here. How does some lard arse who probably as a job as bouncy castle, afford all this food?
Got to say, Amy Winehouse’s new tits’ look great.
Born again Christian’s. Erm, what went wrong first time around?
Cheryl Cole singing on X Factor. Funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Sack your stylist love.
The manager of Pete Doherty has been arrested over a ‘horrific hit and run’. Oh what a shame, he was doing such a good job.
Aren’t birds boring? Just flying about and shitting.
David Letterman admitting he has had sex with female guests on his show. I bet Russell Brand loved reading that in the paper lying next to Katy Perry.
The word wacky. Now to me, wacky is walking down the road stark bullock naked with cheese hanging out of my arse. So the news report about ‘wacky Ben Johnson’ changing his name to Tuna doesn’t fit into the ‘wacky’ category at all. What a wanker.
Funniest thing I heard this week was the poor lass who went for a shit at her office in Philadelphia in the States and the loo exploded, hurling her out of the cubicle in front of her colleagues.
You know the world has gone mad when you walk past a shop and spot on sale ‘Conversation Prompt Cards’ with topics such as sex and drugs to help parents help them chat with their teenage children over dinner.
Wayne Rooney on telly admitting that his mates don’t call him Wayne, they call him Jimmy. Yes Wayne. That’s because it rhymes with dimmy.
Courtney Love is down to her last £75 apparently. Well that’s a few rocks and a bottle of Bulmer’s ciders in the bag.
Madonna has explained why she prefers toy boys, because guys her age are married, fat and balding. No love, it’s because you like young cock.
I see The Wells pub in Hampstead, trendy north London now serve organic meals for customer’s dogs. Best let my ex know…
