The Bristol Boy Wonder DJ Tells Us How It Is…

Bee Gee’s front man Robin Gibb was rushed to hospital after suffering an allergic reaction to his medication. Doctors’ said he was rushed into the A&E department of the John Radcliffe hospital in Oxford suffering from a night fever and they are doing every thing they can to make sure he is staying alive.

I see Waitrose are selling ‘ridged’ cucumbers. Now why the fuck would you want one of those? I bet It wont be long before they will come with a vary fucking speed adjustment and a free cock ring.

Following the weekends’ X Factor and the complaints,  I gave Prime Minister Gordon Brown a bell on Monday, here’s how it went…
“Gordon, Is that you?’
“Yes it is laddie'”
“Did you watch X Factor on Sunday night Gordon?”
“‘Aye, I did indeed laddie”
“What do you reckon about Jedward going through and Simon Cowell letting it go to a public vote?”
“Jedward, Edward, Kedwood, Fed fucking wood, I don’t give a fucking shit which one of the fuckers gets through as I won’t be watching next week, I will be watching that Strictly Dancing shite followed by a good old Robbie Coltraine drama while I’m eating my haggis”
“Really?”
“Aye laddie”
“OK then Mr Prime Minister, how about if you were on a desert island and you had to fuck one of the panel excluding Simon Cowell because he would be looking on with a video camera, who would it be?”
“Louis Walsh, no question.”
“‘Are you fucking serious buddy?’
“Aye laddie, why, who would you fuck laddie?”
“‘Personally, I wouldn’t be able to decide between Danny or Cheryl, so I would just have to toss one off”‘
‘That’s fucking funny laddie”
“Thanks Gordon and thanks for the chat”
“No problem laddie, but don’t phone me fucking ever again. “… (hangs up)

With all these ‘cash for gold’ ad’s on the TV, I bet Drum & Bass DJ Goldie keeps a baseball bat by his bed and sleeps with his mouth shut?

Football fans heading to the Middle East for the England vs Brazil game on Saturday could face up to six months in jail if they are caught boozing. On the bright side, it’s already hot over there and will be summer here by the time most England fans return.

Would someone tell that DFS no I don’t want a fucking sofa for Christmas. All I want  for Christmas (as Mariah Carey would put it ) is for you to get your fucking annoying ad’s off the fucking telly.
ps: If your sofas were any good you wouldn’t be selling them half price during one of the busiest fucking times of the fucking year.

Hacker, Ashley Towns, a student from Sydney has become the first to infect the iPhone with a virus that spreads from phone to phone with each call. If your iPhone becomes infected, a picture of Rick Astley will automatically pop up as your ‘background’. Fucking offensive yes Mr Towns, but hardly going to bring Wall St down?

Loved the story of the football fan caught on camera cleaning his teeth at a Chelsea Man Utd game. He said he simply forgot to clean his teeth so he thought he would do it at the game. Let’s hope he always has time for a wank before he leaves the house on the next Saturday game.


Dan Prince stamps his feet…

Simon Cowell – Jedward. Thank god the world now knows it’s all been a big hoax.

Another great poll. Roast dinners and sponge pudding with custard are children’s favourite school meals. No wonder they are all fat cunts.

Harry Hill. Great comedian. But no hair?

Will Young playing a pregnant bloke in his new video because “I liked the idea because I could play out so many emotions.” Wanker.

That bloke caught on CCTV stealing a tree from someone’s garden. Mate, get a life.

This company Ounces2Pounds who are convincing cash strapped Brits to trade in their crowned teeth for cash – boss Mark Nicholson says “we’re doing most of our buying at ‘gold parties’ in people’s homes and we’re seeing more teeth”. Is this bloke from Mars?

Apparently six in ten women will start a diet this week for Christmas – yep, that’ll be one story I’ll be showing the girlfriend.

People who play the trombone. Bet you are a hoot at dinner parties.

When I was growing up I wanted to be a journalist straight away. Other people it seems had different ideas. Such as the scientist over in America who has grown penises using skin and muscle cells after taking samples from rabbits. Sorry sunshine, start looking on the Internet – under ‘Get A Fucking Life’.

So Roman Abramovich spent £28,000 on lunch at Nello’s in New York at the weekend. Baffled me that, if I was him I’d have gone to a good clothes store and bought a suit or something, the scruffy twat.

Young geezers who wear flat caps. Ermm…

Boys, have you seen Katie Green’s 2010 Calendar. My local newsagents manager is loving me. I bought the lot.

How funny was that Gary Glitter execution drama. Brilliant.

Barbara Windsor. Fuck off.