Bristol Stripper Paul Conroy Bares All
Is it me or does Kate Thornton look like Zippy with tits and hair?
For any of you guys out there who struggle with the ladies, here are my top five tips of a perfect relationship:
1) It is important to have a girl who helps at home, cooks and cleans etc. and has a job.
2) It is Important to have a girl who can make you laugh.
3) It is important to have a girl you can trust and would never lie.
4) It is also important to have a woman who is good in bed and enjoys your company.
5) It is absolutely fucking vital that these four women don’t know each other.
Queen week on X Factor last weekend, what a fucking con. Not one contestant came out in drag.
If Simon Cowell was to ever get married do you think when it came to the vows, instead of saying ‘”I do”, he would hand It over to a public vote?
Football is a game of two halves and a fucking lot of shots – George Best 1974
The average fine for being caught with crack cocaine has fallen to just £38 from £300. Now that’s a relief for my mum.
Jordan’s boyfriend cage fighter Alex Reid has landed his own TV series. Alex Reid The Fight Of His Life on Bravo will see him learn new fight skills including the build up to a live cage fight with MMA rival Tom Watson next year. What the programme won’t and should be showing is his daily fight to not wear full make-up and dress in women’s clothes and answer to the name Roxanne.
Grandmother Beryl Walker is still delivering newspapers on her bike in Gloucester city centre at the grand old age of 84…I bet if you live on that round and a paper eventually drops through the letterbox the headlines would read ‘Britain Goes To War With Germany’.
Children being bullied on-line can now get instant help by calling Bullying UK on their mobile phone…I’m sorry but how the fuck can you be bullied on line? Facebook inbox message ‘give me your dinner money or I will stick your head down the bog and flush the fucker’?
What a fucking con those ‘cash for gold’ ads are on the telly! I sent off £50 fucking quid in an envelope two weeks ago and did I get any gold back?!
A pervert who tried to ride piggyback on girls in the street in Brighton has been put on the Sex Offenders register for five years. The 44 year old man from Brighton who pleaded guilty to five counts of sexual assault pounced on his victims aged 13 to 19 and wrapped his legs around them. In court he denied any sexual gratification was involved, but he accepted there was a sexual element to the offences. He apologized in court, but insisted he had to stick his cock in them to hold on.
More than 300 hotels and guest houses worth £72million are for sale despite a bumper summer. Experts blame the backlog of banks holding back mortgages and mainly because Blackpool is a shit hole.
Dan Prince Shows His Arse To Everyone
Waxworks of celebrities. What a waste of fucking time. A good candle on the window sill is so much a better idea for wax.
Rockets flying in to Space to planets for exploration. What a few quid down the drain that is.
Hollywood legend Clint Eastwood was this week awarded the French Legion of Honour. Erm winning an Oscar for his many films or the French Legion of Honour – wonder what he will die most happy about…
People who make brushes. Now there’s a weird one.
Funniest story of the week was telly host David Dimbleby having to go to hospital after getting knocked over by a bullock on his farm in Sussex.
The model who when she looks in the mirror sees a monster due to a Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Darling, you should come round to my house when my girlfriend does her hair in the mirror – now that’s scary…
I bet Paul O’ Grady has a tiny cock.
Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow – brill.
People who drive – yellow, orange or brown cars – someone have a word. Please.
Kelly Asskew, a model, mother of two, was caught this week with nearly a million pounds’ worth of Cocaine in her car in Yorkshire this week. That’s the first reason I have ever wanted to go to Yorkshire.
Do you think the Queen farts in front of Prince Philip?
I see new dad and England football star Wayne Rooney’s wife Coleen still won’t him let change Kai’s nappy. Change a nappy? I doubt he can change a lightbulb.
I love UK national journalism. Woke up yesterday to find out yesterday in one of the big papers that a golf course is near collapse after a beaver ate through it. These people must be so proud of their day’s work.
Time for a moan : What’s going on in Afghanistan, traffic wardens on a Sunday, petrol prices, window cleaners charging the earth, neighbours who moan about music at two in the morning, dry-cleaners – just because, Australians, men who tuck their shirts or jumpers into their trousers, parents who call their children stupid names like Barney or Brenda, people who varnish their furniture, sports fanatics who enjoy indoor bowls, basketball, tiddleywinks, marbles. Across the ocean sailing, girl’s cricket, Hula Hoop competitions, hand-gliding and that weird swimming down ditches shit. Oh and fuck it, Peter Crouch for being able to shag Abbey Clancy, the fat cunt who stayed in bed for 8 years, people who high five and members of the public who have a tissue stuck up their sleeve. All tossers.
See you next week, over and out.
