The funniest man from the West Country who should have his own stand up show
There’s a new game out for the X Box, bit similar to Vice City, It’s about a black man who drives around shagging whores using violence with metal clubs eventually crashing his car and evading the Police. It’s called Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09.
Christmas shopping with the girlfriend…I would rather walk round town naked with manure on my head and a toilet brush hanging out my arse.
So on Saturday before X Factor, we were treated to a one off programme on ITV – Cheryl Cole’s Night In. But, like any normal girl on a night in, was she being filmed at home walking round in her knickers and bra, then seductively removing the frilly under garments revealing a cracking pair of pert breasts and a freshly shaved fanny before stepping into a hot bath? No, instead we saw her sing, then we saw Will Young sing then we saw her sing a fucking again. I had to switch it off. And if that’s her idea of a night in, it’s no fucking wonder Ashley Cole has a lot of nights’ out getting shit faced with his ‘mates’ and sticking mobile phones up his arse in hotel rooms.
‘I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas, Just Like The Ones I Used to Know’ – Nick Griffin 2009
Wife says to husband – “if you cycle to work love, could we get rid of the second car?”. Husband replies ‘If you take it up the arse and let me come on your face love, could we get rid of the nanny?”
So Joe McElderry won X-Factor on Sunday. George Michael wearing welding goggles also looking like he was about to appear in Aladdin, sung a duet with the X-Factor champ on the Saturday. Joe said it was an amazing experience and would love to follow in George’s footsteps. Would those footsteps be to a public toilet in Hampsted Heath for a hand shandy in front of a the old bill followed by a couple of spliffs, then step into a 4×4 and drive straight into a fucking lampost and have a kip on the steering wheel?
Is It wrong to give a pet cat called Clit Bang for Christmas?
Think my girlfriend is getting paranoid about her weight. When I asked her “what’s your favorite Telly Tubby?” she said, “The Samsung 42 flat screen plasma.”
A painting by Nathan Hobbs who is aged four sold for £100 after his dad put it in his Mayfair, London exhibition. Fuck me you can imagine what that looks like. Stevie Wonder said it will go nicely with the other artwork he had recently purchased.
Christmas Number One is looking shit once again this year. That fucking dreadful X-Factor winner record or, um, Rage Against The Machine…come on Paul McCartney bout time you re-released The Frog Chorus again.
Why do washing machines take so fucking long to do a simple job washing your clothes? All washing machines regardless of the make take a stupid amount of time to do just one normal load of washing. To test this, I put one load of washing in a normal household washing machine using a household detergent on a 40 degree wash and simultaneously took another load in a basket on my head down to the river and washed it using a house brick. On my return from the river with my newly washed clothes I managed to hang them, dry them, cook some lunch, go play a round of golf, have a shower, watch a bit of TV, pop out for a couple of pints and go to bed before the washing machine finally stopped… then I had to get out of bed and empty the bastard thing.
Dan Prince Gets Set For Christmas Slagging Off Everyone He Can Think Of…
Jordan has just released her new musical playlist on her myspace site. New tunes from Jay-Z, Kings of Leon, Sugababes and Future Pop Stars all in her top ten – wonder who put that list together for her? Katie Price wouldn’t know the difference between the Sugababes and a packet of Sugar Puffs.
Glamour model Nicola McLean has told her husband Tom Williams who plays for football team QPR that if he ever cheats on her she will cut his cock off. Nicola love, I have a spare pair of nail cutters that would do the job by the looks of his cobbler wobblies.
These Lenny Henry Premier Inn hotel adverts on telly. Lenny, your time is over dude. Go jump on a bouncy castle. Oh sorry, she’s called Dawn.
Weather Presenters on TV. Just very strange people. And all single weirdly…
Was very surprised to be sitting on a tube in London the other week and hey up, Ronnie Wood’s ex, 23 year year old Ekaterina Ivanova got on and sat opposite me, who is now living in a council house with her mum after the 62 year old Rolling Stones star gave her the boot. You didn’t have to be Mystic fucking Meg to see that one coming.
Aren’t Christmas Trees shit and a pain in the arse?
New poll telling us the fear of nudity is called ‘Gymnophobia’. No dudes, it’s called ‘Walkinginonyourmumanddadnakedhavingsexphobia’. Trust me. Been there. Got the t-shirt.
Love the story about the pissed student geezer Ryan Upton who got a 2 year suspended jail sentence after pouring glue in a fellow party goer’s ear who had fallen asleep in Sydney, Australia. Thank fuck the Ozzie police never caught me leaving a bulldozer on a railtrack or pushing a lighted firework rocket through someone’s front door letter box when I was there. Phew. Or should that be strewth?
The UK Member of Parliament – Ed Balls. What a great name. Eddy Balls.
Also loved the story about the radio DJ Phil Kennedy in Derbyshire who has been sacked after doing a live broadcast and asking a passer by about a Christmas illumination figure who appeared to be er, pleasuring itself as it’s arm moved up and down. He later apologised. What a wanker.
Is it me, or I am the only person in the world who doesn’t own a torch?
Hmmm. Ten years in prison or ten years judging Strictly Come Dancing? Porridge and shower sex for a decade here we come…
If you are looking for a late Christmas present, TJ Hughes are selling luxurious soft robes for £7.99. No word of a lie, my mate Jimmy told me.
I am really waiting for the carol singers this year. Really in the mood for them this time. Been stewing lard for weeks.
That Grant Mitchell or whatever he’s called in real life and his ‘gangland’ worldwide show. Bollocks. No way Jose. All put on for TV. I bet he couldn’t fart out of a balloon.
Police in Cheltenham will return a stolen MP3 Player to the owner if they can name 1 album on it. Great to see our police force are looking after our community. Feel safe at night now.
Saying that, police in China have just found 75 tonnes of Amyl Nitrate on a ship. Why the fuck did I book my holiday over to the Maldives instead of China. I must be off my head…well nearly…
Panto. Pile of shit.
See NME magazine have just announced their ’50 Best Albums of the Year for 2009′. I couldn’t think of anything worse than sitting around a table with a bunch of journalists who are just out of college deciding who to inform the music public, via probably, the best music magazine on the UK market who has brought out the best album of the year. Kids over at NME, pin up your nappies and have a good Christmas. You never know – you may just get the new Joe McElderry single in the post at the office when you get back to work.
Do you think Sam Fox is gay?
