Dan Prince Lets Rip…
Apparently Liverpool girls’ have the biggest knockers coming in at
34DD on average. What a coincidence that the city with the biggest
breast implant companies outside of London, is Liverpool. And yes, I
have booked my train ticket for next weekend to Scouseland.
I’m getting married in a few months. I’m going to ask Ashley Cole to
be my best man.
A bird lover in Hampshire has been ordered to get rid of her pet owl
because it’s mating calls are annoying locals. Fuck me dudes. Try
living next to Heathrow Airport with Quantas coming in at 5.30am from
Sydney and then the church bells kicking in at 6am. Every soddin’
fifteen minutes. And then your girlfriend’s alarm blaring out at 6.30
to get up for work. An owl? Piece of piss.
Chris Evans. is judging a food competition in Melton Mowbray at the
weekend and is going to eat 30 pies. Ginger and fat, great look
Chris, great look.
Brothels in Switzerland are training their prostitutes to use
defibrillators to jolt oldies back to life if they have a heart
attack when having a bonk. Well, where there’s a willy there’s a way.
I went window shopping today. My girlfriend was really pissed off
when I came home with two windows.
I’ve often thought about how I’m going to die. We all do. Personally
though, wouldn’t want to go the way the woman in South Africa dropped
her clogs in South Africa this week when ten tons of live chickens
toppled on her head from a lorry as she was walking past the vehicle
as it crashed.
My star sign says today ‘new love has a famous name that fascinates
you’. I’m sorry sunshine, but I ain’t going out with people with
famous names like Moon Unit, Pilot Inspector, Rufus Tiger, Camera,
Bamber Gascoigne, Blue Angel, Willow Camille Reign, Aurelius Celeste,
Ocean or Sage Moonblood. No way Jose.
I think my favourite British coin is the 20 pence piece.
Here’s this week’s brilliant poll. More life changing decisions are
made in the bath than anywhere else. No sunshine. More wanks take
place in the bath than anywhere else.
Get this one. Transexual Antonio Florez who is 17, tried DIY
castration using a box cutter and a mirror in Bolivia this week to
chop his nob off. He is recovering apparently. We wish him/her well.
Leona Lewis has dropped a stone from a size 12-14 to a size 10 after
a month long detox living on veg and water. One, imagine her farts
and two, is Big Brother beckoning?
The wrongest man in Bristol let’s rip… here’s Conroy!
Cheryl Cole is on the market again and let me be the first in line to have a go at licking that tattoo off her leg. She is going to have another tattoo removed from her arse. On one butt cheek the letter C and on the other the letters L and E so no longer when she bends over will it spell the word COLE. Also the downward facing arrow and the words Cole Hole will be removed from her stomach.
Simon Cowell has given his mum a dog, he said she has always been a fan of Gerri Haliwell – so why not?
Eastenders will never be doing another ‘live’ episode again after Bradley Branning fell off the pub roof and died…that will teach the silly cunt to leave his passport at home and try and take a shortcut. Wouldn’t have happened if the show was recorded.
Mr Whippy was found dead yesterday with a flake up his arse, chocolate sprinkles on his cock and strawberry sauce on his bollocks. Police say he topped himself.
Lady Ga Ga has just come out of hospital after mystery pains at the weekend. Turned out to be a twisted testicle.
Just found out the reason Heather Mills was disqualified from Dancing On Ice. Producers decided that using a piece of wood with a blade on it is technically sledging.
Guys if you want to keep the girl in your life happy, satisfied, praise her, pamper her, humour her, cuddle her, hold her tight, kiss her, phone her, charm her, romance her, talk to her, listen to her, respect her and most of all love her. Girls if you you want to keep your man satisfied… suck his cock! Job done.
‘We Buy Any Car’ sings the jingle on that annoying TV advert. Well no you fucking don’t! You wouldn’t buy the red Golf Gti I went to the trouble of finding on floor 5 of the the NCP car park in Bristol on Sunday night. Nice wheels and you wouldn’t even touch it you lying twats.
I hear the Wombles are at Glastonbury this year. Organizers say yes they might be fucking annoying, but for the first time in the festivals history, the place will be spotless when the last person leaves.
A campaign has been launched to give Liverpool an official Bank Holiday on the first day of the Grand National meeting at Aintree. What the fuck for? Bunch of lazy fuckers. Someone should get a big tug boat and tow Liverpool to Poland where I hear there are loads of jobs.
Coronation Street is being turned into a game for the Nintendo Wii. Characters including Deirdre and Jack Duckworth will feature on the game. Nintendo aren’t revealing too much yet, but if they fix it you can walk down that famous cobbled street, into the Rovers Return, have a pint, punch Kevin in the mouth then walk back up the Street, go upstairs in the house by the corner shop and fuck Rosie Webster, I’m sold.”
Who else thinks Coleen Rooney’s baby looks like John Terry?
Nike are making a new running shoe for lesbians – the new ‘Dike’ Trainer will have an extra long tongue and it only takes one finger to get off.
