Paul Conroy, the master of wrongness steps forward…
‘Swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are’ … I fucking love Girls Aloud.
More snow? Don’t fucking think so. Turned on the telly last night and there was the weather girl saying she was expecting 8 inches She’ll be fucking lucky with a face like that.
Lady Ga Ga has been to see her doctor because she has an overly hairy chest. The doctor asked her to unbutton her top and after a quick look said ‘Wow! how far do’s that hair go down Miss Ga Ga?’ she said ‘all the way to my bollocks’
Richard Branson is to take part in this years London Marathon… a spokesman for the bearded Christmas jumper wearing tycoon said he is looking forward to the challenge and possibly setting a new record, as it will be the first time someone has gone round the grueling 26 miles in a hot air balloon.
I think Derby County will win the FA cup this year. Come on you reds.
Just found Ashley Cole’s mobile on the back seat of a taxi. I’m sure it’s his as I have just found pictures of Page 3 models with their tits out and a text on it from Vernon Kay…it reads – oi oi Ashleh ya sexy bastard, Tess is just nippin down shops t’get some tripe for us dinner, got phone set to vibrate, gonna stick it in a rubber and shove it up me poo tube…call us a couple of times in five will ya’?”
A woman was stunned when her boyfriend proposed by hiring a plane which wrote ‘Marry Me Sally?’ in the sky. She immediately sent a plane up to spell out the word ‘NO’ as her name is Alison.
Women will be allowed to serve on UK submarines for the first time it has been revealed this week. The last time this was attempted was in 1994, but was unsuccessful as 8 submarines were written off that year including one reversed into a wall, one got covered in mysterious dents and even one woman was seen driving one trying to put makeup on at the same time while texting a friend.
Rapper Lil Wayne starts his 12 month jail sentence after admitting having a loaded 40 calibre semi-automatic gun on his tour bus. What a great roll model this man is for kids, I would take my hat off to him, but I can’t as I have a loaded pistol underneath it. You can’t be too careful these days.
JLS are set to launch their own brand condoms to encourage safe sex they say. They are gonna call their brand of condom Just Love Safe using the bands initials, or maybe they should have gone for Johnnys for Losers with Small cocks.
Average speed cameras are now set up to trap you if you dare venture over 50mph at anytime even during the middle of the night when there is no fucker on the road through endless miles of coned off none existent road works all over the UK’s motorway network. If you make the evil bastard criminal mistake of averaging 56mph on let’s say, a Saturday night Sunday morning, when the roads are empty of traffic – you face a £60 fine and 3 points on your driving licence or a £60 fine and pay £60 to go on a patronizing 3 hour driving workshop! What a bunch of twats. What these cameras don’t do is catch terrorists, rapists, thieves, street muggers and reckless or drunk drivers because they all involve too much paperwork back at the station.
Dan Prince has another bad day at the office…
See Ashley Cole is holed up in rehab for another seven days in France. Well that’s a few day’s longer than Cheryl was holed up in LA last week with that dancer.
It must be great to retire at the age of 24 like Lily Allen who now wants to spend her days and nights cooking and appearing on shows like ‘Come Dine With Me’. I give it six months before she’s releasing records again. Silly tart.
I see signs have been put up warning motorists in Romania about drunks staggering around the road to reduce road accidents. Surely the signs should have been put up in England near McDonalds, petrol stations, builder’s yards, Marks & Spencer – fuck it anywhere on the high street…
Another great poll comes out this week. Brits spend longer in the kitchen than the French who prefer to eat out. Hmmm. Sitting in a shithole with tomato ketchup, a can of beer and watching Coronation Street versus a lovely walk down a lovely Parisian street by the Seine and then sitting down at somewhere like L’Arpege or Pierre Gagnaire? Gail Tilsley, do one.
And my favourite of the week, the news that girls aged between 18-24 from Sweden are most likely to be bisexual. Lads, SAS Scandinavian Airlines can be found via flySAS.com – my flight is booked for March 17th – just don’t tell the missus.
I see Eastenders star Sid Owen’s brother got eight years this week in prison for smuggling a million pound’s worth of coke into Britain. I’d have called Phil Mitchell, he’d have sorted it.
And on the subject of drugs, the junkie girl who nicked her dad’s £50,000 stamp collection whilst he was in hospital having his leg chopped off due to Diabetes – who then ended up in jail – well, I’m sorry, it serves him right for being so boring collecting stamps. At least you can send her nice letters for free.
Simon Cowell has revealed he is a “nine out of ten in bed”. Centimeters?
On the subject of tiny weenies, eggs painted with images of people having sex are to feature in an exhibition of Easter traditions in Leipzig, Germany. I thought office bosses in Germany banning workers to open windows due to fears of toxic poisoning was weird, but well, this one takes the biscuit.
Strictly Come Dancing. Paint drying.
Love the story about the guy who was refused car insurance because he had a soft voice and the staff at the company thought he was a woman. No dude. It was because you had a shit car that wasn’t worth nothing anyway.
So this guy who has survived for the last two years just eating grass and weeds in China who claims he has never felt healthier, the only downside is that “I smell strongly of grass”. Mate, hang around me at some of the clubs I go to at the weekend, then you’ll know what smelling of grass really smells like.
