DJ Superstar Paul Conroy Takes It Kinda Easy This Week. Hmmm…
Tiger Woods, Ashley Cole, John Terry, Vernon Kay, Mark Owen. What have they all got in common? Wives who don’t try hard enough.
Met my girlfriends Mum and Dad for the first time on Saturday at a funeral. Right pair of miserable bastards.
David Beckham, Wayne Rooney… any excuse to get out of the total humiliation the English football team. Do you really think it’s a coincidence they both have fucked up ankles. I bet Wayne Rooney used to skive off PE at school by telling his mum he was being bullied for looking like a troll.
My mate crashed his car into the back of an Ice Cream Van last week, he’s ok now apart from painful whippylash.
I tell you what’s a touchy subject. Braille.
Peter Andre you daft twat, you have half the girls in the UK wanting to drop their knickers because they feel sorry for you, and to get your end away you choose Kerry Ka Fucking Tona. Big news in the papers this week. It’s a bit like Robbie Williams seen leaving to London Hilton with Princess Anne. As Jeremy Clarkson might of put it, you’ve jumped out an Aston Martin and got yourself behind the wheel of a second hand Vauxhall Astra.
A Riot squad officer who hit a G20 protester with a metal baton was cleared of assault this week, because clearly whacking some stupid fucker across the head with a lump of metal is what any Judge will consider is ‘reasonable force’.
Having some work done at home, and the stupid plumber who’s German connected the gas pipe to the shower. Old habits die hard I suppose.
‘Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds’ ‘Paperback Writer’ ‘Twist And Shout’ ‘Let It Be’ … whatever happened to Chaka Demus and Pliers, they were good weren’t they?
Ronnie Wood has landed himself a new show on Absolute Radio… perfect face for it.
My Uncle died peacefully in his sleep last week.. unlike his screaming passengers.
I hear Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus and will call it the ‘Clitaurus’. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won’t be able to find it or turn it on. It leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real pain in the arse first thing in the morning.
What’s your pet’s favorite TV program? My Cat likes Loose Women, Skins and Panorama is his favorite.
That Granny who was tagged for selling a goldfish to an underage boy was lucky in my opinion. That boy could have stabbed her, nicked her purse and left her pregnant.
Tip of the week: Never hold a fart in because it will travel up your spine and into your brain where all the shit came from in the first place.
Dan Prince Set’s Sail to Turd City
Weren’t we all shocked when Boy George and George Michael came out of the closet and admitted they were gay? Well I nearly choked on my hot dog when it came on the radio that singer Ricky Martin takes it up the back alley. “I am very proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man” he was quoted as saying this week. Bet his mum is gutted she isn’t going to get any more free knickers that he gets thrown on stage by fans. Still, I bet his dad is made up.
Another poll that just makes you think, what are the Americans on? Apparently researchers have discovered that hyenas laugh to each other to show off about their age. No they laugh because the dudes sitting on a rock over the cage have their cock’s out – and they are the size of a lipstick.
Speaking of America, I see that the company Ugly People Date are advertising in the US looking for a Mr and Mrs Munter. They get £3000 and they have to be unattractive. Brilliant. And there was me going to let my girlfriend down lightly, here is my exit route – just got to convince my pal Gavin to join up with her.
Loving the story about the 62 year old man found in a pool of blood by his daughter in Dorset. With a cucumber wedged up his arseole. The medics said hours later after surgery that the damage was “not lifer threatening”, he just had a severe tear in his arse. I love these close father / daughter bonding moments.
I see Liverpool has the fewest cycle accidents of 55 British cities’ polled including Oxford and Cambridge. What a fucking surprise. It’s very difficult to walk out of a shop with a Raleigh Grifter under your trackie top.
A 23 ft python that strangled and ‘nearly’ swallowed a 13 year old boy in Indonesia is being hunted this week after slithering into the jungle. I’m sorry, but how difficult is it to find a snake with half a kid hanging out of it’s gob with a pair of Adidas blocking the snake’s vision?
Surprised to see the headline in one of the tabloids this week that drunkard ex-footballer Gazza has been hit with “Booze Charge Over Lost Weekend”. Well I’m sorry, but I didn’t see him on that TV Island after the plane crash.
