Bristol bad boy Paul Conroy and DMC’s Dan Prince goes to town against the world…
Conroy gets on his soapbox first up….
Britain’s most notorious jailbird Charles Bronson who is currently serving time at the Wakefield Prison in West Yorkshire want’s to open a prison themed pub in spain when he is finally released. Twat, How the fuck is that gonna work? Will Happy Hour mean you’ve got to have anal sex and play table tennis? you have have to pay for drinks with tobacco. And who in there right mind is going to drink in a pub with that cunt in it? First question in the pub quiz ‘who are you fucking looking at?’
My girlfriend came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her, so I hit her over the head with my X-Box.
Just heard an Ad on a Radio station in Bristol which boasts ‘Yate Shopping Centre for everything you need’ thats presuming you need, A) drugs, B) being beaten up and stabbed or C) your fucking head tested… what a shit hole Yate is, it’s the only place in the UK where the fucking rainbow comes out in black & white.
Arn’t the Police fucking shit, how many years ago did Jill Dando die? 10 years and they are still trying to find out who shot her. Can you remember what you were doing the day she died? I can… running away from her house with a gun in my hand dressed as a fucking milkman.
I went to an 80’s themed party at the weekend… It started off great but towards the end of the night it got a bit shitty because we all lost our jobs and got Aids.
There was a Harry Hill lookalike competition in London’s South Bank at last weekend… a potato won it and a snooker ball came second.
Story from C.Y.N.T in South Wales, Club is packed, room fills with smoke, DJ/Promoter Steve Francis just about to start his set.. suddenly the sound cuts out and Venues fire alarm goes off, as he’s behind the decks screaming at the pilled up fuckers on the dance floor to get out, they are going mental with their hands in the air dancing to the deafening alarm system thinking it was some kind of massive DJ intro. brilliant.
Cheap flights into space could be available in 10 years say British scientists. What is the point in that, where the fuck are you going to go… pilot… ‘ ladies and gentlemen welcome aboard flight 269 to nowhere, our journey time today will be approximately dunno… should you need any assistance there should be a couple of air hostess’s floating about.
Is It me or is Top Gear getting boring? To me it’s like watching Last Of The Summer Wine with cars involved
Richard and Judy’s daughter Chloe has admitted she dabbles with drugs… bloody hell if Richard and Judy were my parents by the time I was 18 I would be lying on a my back in a squat with a needle hanging out your arm thinking about a giant dodgem car, a motorized coconut, a fairy and a dancing pineapple.
Message for Rhianna, Chris Brown hates lumpy custard bitch.
Waitress Sylvia Murphy served up her millionth piece of Cod after 30 years at a chippy in Hove, Sussex… how the fuck did the boring old cow know it was the millionth? bet she lives on her own and smells a bit.
A Fire Crew were called to rescue a woman stuck in a bin last Saturday at 3am outside a Cafe in Horsham, West Sussex… who says romance is dead.
A boy of eight has stunned medics in China with his ability to see in the dark like a cat. His dad says on his ninth birthday as a treat he will let him out in the garden as long as he doesn’t shit on the lawn.
Dan Prince returns as just his normal rude self…
Friedo Pinto from Oscar winning film Slumdog Millionaire – well she would wouldn’t be going home alone if you bumped into at your local.
Joss Stone dumped by her bloke as he wants to move to France. Well that serves her right for taking the job as the face for Cadbury’s Flake chocolate bar.
Gazza – “I stayed awake for six weeks and my two best pals were two toy parrots”. Now I think that’s rude. Tony Adams and David Seaman were not that bad mates.
Mickey Rourke morning the loss of hiss pet Chihuaha – what is such a hell-raiser doing with a dog you could put in a shoe box.
Bristol Zoo offering hypnosis and meet and greet classes for £85 for people scared of spiders. Just stamp on the fuckers.
People who dress their dogs in clothes. Matching clothes! Weirdness is spreading.
Like the Chinese restaurant owner in Wiltshire who is paying customers, paying customers!, £1 to eat as much as they like. Eh?
Sad folk who want to break really stupid fucking World Records – such as the lady in South Korea who sang for 76 hours and eight minutes. Why why why?
Linda Wolfe, 68 over in the States. Married 23 times looking for number 24. Well think of all those kettles and toasters.
Bruce Springstein heading Glastonbury this year. I would rather eat shit out of a chip pan than see that.
This madman in Cheltenham going to prison it looks after causing £700,000 of damage to a pub, two supermarkets and a bookshop after calmly walking in and spraying his shit everywhere out of bottles. Imagine the mess in his loo squeezing his shit into bottles.
Forgetful guests left behind artificial legs, a horse, a cut out of Lenny Henry and a set of gnomes at Travelodge Hotels last year it has been revealed. How the fuck do you get out of a hotel with one leg and not think, “I’m sure there’s something I’ve forgot?”
Just got back from the Rio Carnival. Sheesh. What a dreary affair.
Pero Atjman from Croatia has drunk nothing but Coca Cola for 40 years after promising his mum he would stay off the booze. Bet his dentist rubs his hands every time he walks in.
Paul Gambaccini calling for Chris Moyles to be sacked after his recent on air jokes about Auschwitz. Mate, I know what you got up to with your mates in the 70s, I’d shut the fuck up.
