R.I.P
Part One
It was a sad day at Update towers this week as the bad boys of dance announced they were off to Ibiza for the summer. ‘Fuck writing for you lot’ they sneered as they stumbled down the Easy Jet ramp. We look back over two years of their rants with the A-Z of sheer hatred . Nobody was ever really safe were they?
A – Anorexia, Amy Winehouse and Apologies
…to anyone who was offended by my attire at Andy’s funeral at the weekend. I will be honest with you, I misread the invite and now realise that sombre and sombrero are fucking worlds apart.
Anorexia. Never met this bitch but she’s all over the news.
How many hits has Amy Winehouse had? Fucking hundreds…
B – Brothers and burglars
My brother says hello. TRhank fuck his Speech Therapy is working, it cost a fucking fortune.
The Polish burglar who broke his leg whilst raiding a house in Sokolow and lied in agony on the floor unable to move for two days until cops found him. Fuck me,I didn’t know there were any Polish people still living in Poland.
C – Chavs, Celine Dion, Christmas cards and computers
I’m in a cafe in Bristol and sitting opposite me is a proper chavvy ugly looking girl with two babies in a push chair which I can only guess are twins. Because I can’t imagine anyone has fucked her twice.
The stalker arrested outside Celine Dion’s house. Oh leave Stevie Wonder alone…
Another money saving tip this Christmas – do what I do and return last year’s cards to the sender with the inscription ‘same to you’.
My girlfriend came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her, so I hit her over the head with my X-Box.
D – Drink Drivers, DJs and disco lights
Last night I had 8 pints and then attempted to race a car with a passenger in it. I hit a tree and flipped onto the roof. I fucking hate the Playstation when I’ve had a few too many.
How many DJ’s does it take to change a light-bulb? – Two. One to change it and the other to harp on about how much better the original was.
Just bought my epileptic mate a strobe light for Christmas. He’ll have a fucking fit when he sees it.
E – Ecstasy, Easy Jet and 80s parties
A college student in southern China was bitten by a Panda after he broke into a bear’s enclosure hoping to get a hug. He said from his bed in a local Hospital ‘Yang Yang’ was so cute I just wanted to cuddle him… I didn’t think they still made pills like that anymore.
I went to an 80’s themed party at the weekend. It started off great but towards the end of the night it got a bit shitty because we all lost our jobs and got Aids.
I called Easy Jet to book a flight to Ibiza, the girl said ‘how many people are flying with you? I said ‘how should I know, It’s your fucking plane….
F – Fatties and fireworks
…have come and gone. I hope you remembered to follow the instructions on the box and keep them at arms length – I mean, look what happened to Seal…
Good news for my girlfriend. A new poll has revealed that people carrying a few extra pounds are more likely to live longer. Go on love, haver another eclair.
G – Goalkeepers, Gary Barlow and Gordon Ramsey
A girl Goalie smashed an FA record at the weekend by scoring twice in one match from her own box. I would have loved to have seen that, I’ve seen a trick done with ping pong balls before, but never a fucking football. She’s bound to get a hideous nickname after that surely?
Take That’s Gary Barlow admitted he is terrified of flying on the same plane as famous people – listen chubby, you can’t dance, you live in a crap flat in Knightsbridge, you only have a fit wife because of your bank balance – and you’re called Gary. Now get on that plane, sit next to Sinitta and fuck off.
The Gordon Ramsey ‘Hot Shag’ hotel book – meet a slut, add a bottle of Rioja, take the slut to the room, simmer, put meat in oven, leave in for 30 seconds, add a splash of cream – DONE.
H – Hairdressers, Harry Hill and Heather Mills
If you ask your hairdresser to give you a number two, would he take a shit on your head?
There was a Harry Hill lookalike competition in London’s South Bank at last weekend…a potato won it and a snooker ball came second.
Funny seeing human pogo stick Heather Mills on Top Gear coming off the track, crashing into a wall and being cut out the car after leaving her foot on the accelerator during the celeb lap. Saying that, I have just sent her the One Foot In The Grave box set for Christmas, hope she likes it.
I – Irony
What’s the definition of Irony? Buying a pair of platform shoes and getting hit by a train.
J – June Whitfield, Jehova’s Witnesses and jumpers
Is it me, or did everyone think actress June Whitfield was dead?
I got sent a Jehovah’s Witness Advent calendar at home – and I’ve not opened any of the fucking doors on it.
Every December, without fail, my Nan knits my Uncle a jumper for Christmas and the silly cow (bless her) always makes the same forgetful mistake. He died in 1973.
K – Kings, Katy Perry
My mate Joe has just returned from a holiday in Los Angeles where he said he was treated like a king, he was dragged out of his car and had the shit beaten out of him by the police.
Kings Of Leon – If your Sex Is On Fire, buy some lube from Boots and stop fucking singing about it you boring bastards.
Kate Perry who bought us the raunchy No 1 single ‘I Kissed A Girl’ has been accused of enticing lesbianism among teenage girls…brilliant! Mind you, I’m not too keen on her new single ‘Suck My Cock’.
L – Lily Allen
“I am not having sex in 2009 because I don’t want bad sex”. Nor do we love. That’s why you’re single.
M – Mum’s, The Ministry of Sound and Michael Barrymore
My Mum is constantly nagging me to get married. I really think she is going to have to meet me half way and divorce my Dad first.
A new superclub opens in Liverpool next March – ‘The Ministry Of Sound As A Pound’
Why doesn’t Michael Barrymore have ashtrays in his house? Because he put’s his fags out in the pool.”
N – Nursery Rhymes
‘Three blind mice,
Three blind mice,
See how they run’
…into fucking walls I bet.
Hickory dickory dock,
The mouse ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
The mouse ran down,
Hickory dickory dock…’
…and we wonder why school teachers get stabbed.
The Owl and the pussycat went to sea,
In a beautiful pea-green boat,
They took some honey and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note’
…proof that Ketamine has been around for centuries.
O – Onions and old aged pensioners
There are world wars going on, unemployment creeping up to the 3 million mark and the Public Sector is fucked. So I turn on my local news station last night to be told that Kate Winslett’s mum is entering an onion pickling competition at the weekend. Hold the fucking front page.
The woman in India who became the world’s oldest mum at the age of 70. Blimey, that baby must have been glad to get out of that wrinkly, dried up old beaver.
I saw an old lady getting a right kicking at a bus stop in Bristol last Friday, I would have stepped in and helped her but I wasn’t sure who started it.
P – Pickpocketers Piers and Pete Tong
…who has this week told the music press he has always hated dance music “I’ve been living a lie – electronic music made for disco dancing is for poofs”. He then went on to say he wanted to come clean about it all after finding god in a cardboard box round the back of Cafe Mambo in ibiza. A spokesman for the dance music industry in London said, Pete is just a posh name for compost and a tong is a tool used for picking it up. The record buying public should have worked that out years ago.
Can I say a big thanks to the person who handed my bag in at the Mall Shopping Centre on Thursday October 16th. It just goes to prove there are some honest people out there. Even though all my cards, wallet, mobile and car keys were missing and someone had taken a shit in it.
What’s black, got 100 legs and goes woof ? Weston Super Mare Pier.
Q – Status Quo
Noel Gallagher calling the aging rockers “absolute cunts.” Best thing to have come out of his mouth in ages.
R – Rappers and Richard & Judy Rappers
Avoid having to say ‘know what I’m sayin’ all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place. It’s fucking simple..
Richard and Judy’s daughter Chloe has admitted she dabbles with drugs. Bloody hell, if Richard and Judy were my parents by the time I was 18 I would be lying on a my back in a squat with a needle hanging out of my arm thinking about a giant dodgem car, a motorized coconut, a fairy and a dancing pineapple.
S – Secretaries, shit surveys, S.T.D’s and Steven Hawking
I am looking for a secretary if anyone’s interested – keyboard touch typing, shorthand, Word, Excel, Powerpoint and Outlook, effective business communication and audio transcription skills are all required plus you must be trustworthy and conscientious – or if you’re slim with big tits and can suck a golf ball through a hose pipe, the job is yours.
According to a new survey, three out of every two people in the UK are shit at Maths.
Teenage pregnancies are soaring in the UK because of the governments failure to provide school nurses says a survey. What a load of toss, teenage pregnancies are soaring in the UK because teenage girls are getting too much cock, end of.
The number of kids suffering from sexually transmitted diseases has gone up by over 42 per cent in the last 6 years. It’s about fucking time they are good at something, well done.
What sits at the top of the stairs smoking? Stephen Hawking in a house fire.
T – Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, tramps and taxi drivers
…admitting she sleeps with 23 teddy bears every night in her bed – have you not heard of your middle finger and a damp patch in the bed love?
A bit of advice for tramps sleeping outside department stores this winter – don’t allow the police to move you on. Just tell them you are queuing early for the sales.
Taxi drivers – I don’t give a shit who you had in the back last week, who do you think you are? Will Young.
U – Unproved attacks, unlucky and ugly people
Just reading about a three year old girl who had her two front teeth knocked out and jaw broken by a teenage cyclist who crashed into her on a pavement in London this week. OK, I know she got in the way, but there was no need to give her a fucking kicking for her silly mistake.
Unluckiest man in the world…he bought a packet of After Eight mints and died of a heart attack at seven fifty five.
Great news that the organisers of the annual ‘Beauty Queen Pageant’ in Weymouth, Dorset have cancelled this year’s event because it’s “sexist”. No, it’s because Weymouth is full of dogs.
V – Vibrators
I bought my girlfriend a vibrator for Christmas. She’s so fucking ugly she has to get it pissed before it will come anywhere near her.
W – The Welsh, Tim Westwood and Wacko Jacko
Isn’t it about time the Welsh dropped their stupid language? Come on guys – £6 to get over the bridge and then I have to read signposts that look like someone has dropped a box of Scrabble. Predictive texting must be a fucking nightmare.
Radio 1’s Tim Westwood on Twitter recently. “Feel like chillin’ in this hotel allnite orderin’ steak on room service and watching some pay per view with the lights out wearin’ my sunglasses.” What a cock.
How did Michael Jackson know it was time for bed? When the big hand touched the little hand.
X – X-Rated
Shocking news has revealed that a 13 year old girl has recently had a baby with a 15 year old boy. Why a baby would take part in a threesome is beyond me?
Y – Yate Shopping Centre
Just heard an ad on the radio station in Bristol which boasts ‘Yate Shopping Centre for everything you need’. That’s presuming you need, A) drugs, B) being beaten up and stabbed or C) your fucking head tested. What a shit hole Yate is. It is the only place in the UK where the fucking rainbow comes out in black & white.
Z – Zoos
I went to the zoo on Sunday and there were no animals there – just a fucking dog. It was a Shitzu.
