Dan Prince rips it up…
I knew the Welsh were stupid. Car mad Gareth and Claire Dickens from Cardiff have just named their newborn son Lexus after their favourite make of car. Taffy tits. I mean, this is the city that an EBAY poll has just revealed that the inhabitants of this city buy the most leather trousers. Need I say more?
Comedian Stephen Fry has been dropped as the face for the Twining Tea adverts. Oh and I SO LOVED those adverts. As much as wiping my arse after a shit with a cheese grater.
I see boxer Mike Tyson has finally admitted he is sorry about his past behaviour. Oh that’s okay then.
All these MPs having sordid sex behind their wife’s back. Oh let ’em get on with it. Life is too short to worry about a bit of cock and vag on your office desk.
Kerry Katona – “Cocaine is the only way I can function”. Join the club love.
Kate Moss caught with her knockers swinging out coming out of some bash last week. They looked like tea bags.
Gary Barlow announcing Robbie Williams will not be re-joining Take That after all. I always thought there was fat chance of that.
Why don’t homeless people get a fishing rod and hook out shoes and people’s discarded clothes from those charity bins?
Hmmm. A father and son beat the man’s 19 year old daughter to death for leaving the house wearing in make up in Jordan.
And then there’s this. Couples who kissed in Blackpool’s famous Tunnel of Love will soon be able to bid for the ride’s old boats on eBay. People in Blackpool affording a boat? A duck for the bath maybe.
Leona Lewis scooping one million pounds for singing for Phones4U founder John Caudwell’s daughter at her birthday party. Now THAT’S a birthday present. Leona has also hooked up in the studio with Justin Timberlake…watch this space.
Next Up, Bristol superstar DJ Paul Conroy Gets a Few Things Off His Chest…
Kerry Katona has gone and fucked her nose up Danniella Westbrook style on coke binges. The Sunday papers have revealed the Northern pig goes on three day binges where she doesn’t sleep – fucking hell, imagine being stuck in a room for anything more than three minutes with that fat cow sniffed off her face? I would rather shit in a carrier bag and put it over my head for the day. During one session she allegedly took seven grams of the stuff – that in my book is just just fucking greedy… and now she has a hole in her nose. What a fucking fantastic roll model for her lucky kids.
Once again I am looking forward to the Miami Music Conference this year – because I am not going… why doe’s it have to be in Miami every year? Why not Weymouth? I can’t be arsed to go all the way out there then get turned away from all the ‘parties’ because some coked up ‘promoter’ forgot to put me on the guest list. I would rather stay at home and drink my own piss from a jam jar…
Old people, yes it did snow this time last year, and yes Easter did come very early a year ago and yes we did have a cold snap, and yes it has been lovely this year especially for March, and yes wasn’t it smashing on Mothers Day, but do us a favour and shut the fuck up and talk about something else when it rains all fucking summer, like it did last fucking year.
‘Life is like a washing machine, you get out what you put in’ – Winston Churchill 1946…
Shops that don’t have any bags – fuck off! How the fuck am I meant to carry home the stuff I have just payed you for you morons? I don’t want to be walking up the road trying to hide the shite I have just purchased under my arms, I need a fucking bag to do that job and you haven’t got one because you are shit. I would love to see you go to get your hair cut and then be told by the stylist ‘sorry we don’t have any scissors’ because of the fucking credit crunch.
‘Old Macdonald had a farm ee-eye, ee-eye oh’. I think it was that second devastating outbreak of that foot and mouth disease that eventually forced Old McDonald to sell his land and move to a shitty little flat in Hammersmith where he became a Jobless alcoholic – ‘ee-eye, ee-eye oh’.
Do the clocks go back or forward this weekend? I don’t know and I don’t fucking care. Infact, I don’t even have a clock because at any time of day or night I can look at the time on my phone so they can stick this whole forwards and backwards clock thing up their fucking Greenwich arses.
One of the contestants for this years Miss Great Britain final will be chosen from a dating website say the organizers. Any wannabe beauty queen’s can log on to www.nymphobitchsluts.com for more details. The final will be held on May 12th.
Bruce Springsteen fan John Norman faces jail for breaching his ASBO by blasting out ‘Born In The USA’ from his house in Mansfield, Nottingham. If the twat gets a life sentence for listening to that shit and inflicting it on his neighbours that wont be enough, lets hope they throw away the key and keep cunts like this off our streets.
Bristol Uni Students stop thinking you look cool by walking around in flip fucking flops, shorts and polo shirts every time it stops raining or there happens to be a break in the clouds – you look like cocks.
Do you reckon when Tony Blair is at home with his wife Cherie and there is nothing on the telly, he plays a game with her where he has to throw three tennis balls into his wife’s gob to win a teddy or possibly a goldfish? I know I would.
An online British food firm is selling Tea Bags to Poland after migrants who have returned and are missing a good old English cup of tea. Fucking hell if they are missing Britain that badly this online firm surely should see the market and expand and offer to send over some rain, miserable taxi drivers, chavs, a shit national football team and some stabbings.
Did you know the word ‘boob’ spelt backwards spells ‘boob’. It also works for ‘tit’, but ‘knockers’ is ‘srekconk’ which kind of spoils the fun as far as I’m concerned.
