Dan Prince looks on the weird side of life…
Going away to a beach resort with a model who after five days reveals she would actually like to become a professional ‘beach bag thief’ instead of treading the Catwalk for a living. Not with legs like that love.
The news that British postmen have finally decided to work evening round’s on the run up up to Christmas. Oh diddums, listening to Terry Wogan, picking up a nice festive bonus and ogling cute women in their nighties must be such a chore at this time of year.
The possibility that Top of The Pops could be returning to our tellies. Well, good news for the music world if the BBC pull their fingers out of their corporate arses and put someone who knows what the kids of today want, instead of Shoreditch House lunch morons who don’t know the difference between Hip Hop and Hop Scotch. Cliff Richard has made over 150 appearances on the show over the years, R Kelly was allowed 43 security guards on his first time on the famous stage and Sir Jimmy Saville presented this iconic music institution for 20 years. Fern Cotton, Annie Mac, Scott Mills, Zane Lowe… time to step up dudes – it’s been too long and we all know Chris Moyes ain’t up for it as he doesn’t want the TV limelight.
Kanye West getting arrested in Newcastle Upon Tyne at the Tup Tup Palace cocktail after suspicion of assault. Well it serves you right for going to such a shit place.
The couple in England who found a hedgehog in the road and thought the little creature was so sick, they drove it 120 mills to a hedgehog sanctuary in Buckinghamshire to make sure it lived. Dudes, it’s a shit little animal with loads of needles and fleas all over it that has no use to this planet at all – Timmy Mallet, grey slip on shoes, corrugates, Strictly Come Dancing, white socks, going on holiday to Tenerife, people from Texas, driving an orange cars… they are all more important than saving a fucking hedgehog.
This new YouGov poll that reveals that two-fifths of TV viewers support a total ban on swearing on television after politicians and senior broadcasting figures such as Michael Grade suggested the idea. Do these people have nothing better to do with their day’s? Maybe the parents are to blame perhaps instead of a few fuck’s and c••t’s after 9pm on the box. What a load of bollocks.
Okay, so the funniest story I’ve heard of in ages, the couple divorcing after the wife catching the husband having an affair with a virtual woman in the online game Second Life. “This is the second time I have caught him, last year I discovered he had sexual intercourse with an on line character. I also caught him cuddling a woman on a sofa in the game.” This woman even went to the lengths of hiring a Private Detective in the game to investigate his adultery. Now is it me, or does this couple need to get out more, get a life, get buried alive, get brutally murdered with a pick axe or even get their electricity cut off so no computers and at least give them a chance?
Leading on from that, the 2000 people who queued for 18 hours outside a store on Oxford Street to buy the new World of Warcraft game that has 11 million players around the world. 18 hours sitting outside a shop? Isn’t that what Big Issue sellers do?
London Members club Chinawhite paying Lindsay Lohan £10,000 to DJ last week, fair play in my eyes then to the fur activists who threw a flour bomb over in her in Paris as she yet again entered somewhere wearing her Fur Stole.
Getting a call from a DJ pal of mine at a Bedouin wedding where he was about to join his fellow guests in a feast of a camel stuffed up the arse with a sheep’s carcass that was already stuffed with chickens that were already stuffed with fish that were already stuffed with eggs. Bacon sarnie anyone?
Wacko Jacko being sued for £4.3 million by this Arab dude for running out on a record deal. Oops upside your head…”
The stabbing at the O2 complex at their Urban Music Awards where the likes of Dizzee Rascal, Leona Lewis and Estelle were partying. Someone has to do something about this knife shit, soon.
So there’s been another poll asking thousands in the street what TV program they want bringing back. The Muppet Show won by miles. Er, El Dorado?
Footballer Joe Cole’s partner Carly Zucker on TV show ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’ in Australia asking everyone “will I get pregnant if I eat these Kangaroo testicles?”. Need I go on? No.
The one and only, Mr Paul Conroy leads us into the strange part of his mind…
Do you like Wayne Rooneys new haircut? His latest style is the result of a misunderstanding after Playboy Magazine offered Colleen £100,000 to shave her twat for a photo shoot. Blind people, give yourself at least half a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time. I love this time of year, buy a sofa now and get it in time for Christmas, pay next year, brilliant! Wouldn’t it be funny if prostitutes gave the same offer. So ‘Children In Need’ at the weekend, I hate kids the greedy bastards – don’t they realise we are in the middle of a recession? Fuck ’em. I tell you what, my sides are aching after going to see Bobby Davro’s stand up show last night, whilst walking out halfway through I fell down the stairs and bruised a couple of ribs. Two dyslexics in a car – “can you smell petrol?, “don’t be silly I can’t even smell my own name…” School girl Georgina Davis dubbed the fattest teenager in Britain checked into a weight loss camp at 33 stone! Now that is fucking massive, didn’t anyone ever think at some stage to turn round to her and say stop eating cakes you fat fuck?. A new report says a man gets mugged in Leicester every five minutes, unlucky bastard. Stephen Hawking is in Intensive Care with two broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and a shattered hip, apparently he went on a blind date and someone stood him up. The Australian bloke with the dead wife was voted off X-Factor on Saturday, I missed the show again this week because while it was on my girlfriend shit on the kitchen floor so I had to clean it up and chuck her out in the garden, ten minutes later she got into the neighbours house through a hole in the fence and ate their cats food. Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on Iris Patterns and fingerprints are going to keep tabs on Muslim cleric Abu Hamsa? My mum’s friend recently pointed out that I have the same colour car seats as her brother in law, can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Jamie Oliver has been telling people to “try something new today” – don’t take any notice of that fucking moron, this weekend at my Chinese takeaway I had a a number 134 and 83 instead of my usual 114 and 22 and it was fucking horrible. Loreal have a new shampoo on the market for students, it’s called Go And Wash. The thing that gets me about the appointment of a pedophile to a teaching post is how shit must the other people at the interview have been? I was being chased by a police dog last week and made the big mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel over the see-saw and through the hoop of fire, It finally caught me when I was weaving through some sticks. And for all employees at Sainsburys reading this, no I don’t have a fucking nectar card. America have a new President, so why don’t we have a new Prime Minister ? Just a thought, it would make sense to give the UK a kick up the Ass with someone younger with a bit of integrity who can make all the right decisions, appeal to the kids and lift us during the hard times, I know the perfect man for the job… CHICO. Ron-seal 5 year Woodstain does exactly what it says on the tin does it? Funny that, I’ve looked all over the label and nowhere does it say ‘makes your front door look like an African Elephant has wiped it’s arse on it’.
