10 TIPS ON BEING A SUCCESSFUL BIG BROTHER CONTESTANT
1. Go to an audition.
2. Be prepared to sell your soul to the devil. They will make you do things you wouldn’t make your dog do and all on camera, so the whole world can see you make a complete prick of yourself.
3. Be prepared for every shady thing you’ve ever done in your life to surface. That lad you dumped and ripped off will sell his story to some tabloid rag as soon as your arse appears on television…
4. God help you if you have a tiny cock because the whole world will find out when some disgruntled (and skint) ex sells his ‘kiss and tell’ story to the papers.
5. Make sure you have a skill to go back to when you leave the Big Brother house. You’ll get your ten minutes of fame alright, but then you’ll be old news and end up working in a burger bar or cleaning toilets.
6. Be a two faced, devious bitch. Meaning, be scheming BUT don’t let anyone know. Loud mouthed bitches get thrown out quicker than quiet devious bitches.
7. It helps if you have a dying relative whilst in the Big Brother house – the younger the better.
8. Do not get drunk and start having sex with another contestant under the sheets thinking no one will see. They will. The same goes for a five knuckle shuffle.
9. Make sure you are single when you leave the big Brother house as you will get masses of sex off different people when you get out. Lads who wouldn’t wipe shit off their shoes with you before you went into the Big Brother house will do anything you want sexually for the first few weeks after you get out! Cash in quick with this though ‘cos a couple of weeks later no one will be interested.
10. The best tip of all is DO NOT enter the Big Brother house in the first place.
