Bristol B-Boy and Breakdance Superstar Paul Conroy shows us his caterpillar…
Good to see former Man U star Eric Cantona has successfully turned his hand to acting. I’m looking forward to his new sitcom ‘One Foot In The Crowd.
The last survivor of the Titanic disaster 97 year old Millvina Dean died yesterday at her home in the New Forest. At only two months old she was the youngest passenger on board the doomed liner which sank in 1912. Before she died she told her story of that fateful night, ‘” had a tantrum and screamed and screamed until I fell asleep. I woke up again crying and screaming after I had wet myself and had done a shit in my wooden nappy. My mum cleaned my bum with a Victorian bum cleaner and made me drink milk out of her tit before I fell asleep again and woke up in a life raft fucking freezing. It was so scary I carried on screaming like a right little shit’
We are all told to lead a more healthier lifestyle blah blah blah – so why is it such a fucking nightmare to try and make a fucking doctors appointment? When you phone up and get through eventually to the fat receptionist you are made to feel like the antichrist almost straight away. I would like to make an appointment, please do you have anything this afternoon? ‘IS IT AN EMERGENCY?’ .Yes it is actually, I am having a fucking heart attack and my knee has just fallen off my leg. “ONE MINUTE”(two minutes later) ‘THE EARLIEST WE HAVE IS THURSDAY SEPTEMBER THE EIGHTEENTH IN THREE YEARS TIME AT FIVE PM WITH DR KILLMORE’ ….that’s ok I think I will give that a miss and just die at home.
Is it wrong to give a Cat a ‘Back Sack & Crack’?
I hear Susan Boyle from ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ is to do a cover version of Dizzee Rascals ‘Bonkers’. Apparently the stress of all this sudden fame has sent her cuckoo and she’s ended up in a fucking clinic. Insiders said she was showing signs of cracking up before Saturday’s final by talking to an imaginary friend and trying to phone her pet cat. What the fuck is wrong with that? Sounds like a normal Saturday night out for most of us.
New research out says that most couples have their best sex at four years into the relationship. You and I both know that is utter bollocks. Most of us aren’t together after four years for starters, secondly after four weeks I’ve started boozing heavily, going for erectile dysfunction counselling getting Viagra on prescription then having the best sex I’ve ever had with her best mate who I’ve only known for four hours.
Shocked Mark Neadley of Hessle, East Yorks, was wrongly sent a Gas bill of £85billion, imagine that, bet he felt like Hitler.
It’s 2009, we have the Internet, we have amazing Satellites, we have Google Earth, we even have Google Street Maps, we also have sophisticated radar systems, we can even send space craft to stars and planets light years away for fuck sake – so how the fuck can we lose a fucking massive aircraft flying over the fucking Atlantic?!
Every time it’s sunny in the UK we are always treated to a Page 3 shot of some fit girl and possibly her fit friend aged 20 with their tits out playing in the sea on Bournemouth beach. What a great advert, so imagine my recent disappointment on my last visit to this seaside holiday haven when all I saw on this fucking beach was a fat bloke jogging, an old couple eating an ice cream and a black labrador having a shit by the pier.
