Bristol’s funniest man takes to the stage…
Newquay has been given new regulations to stop under age drinking. Under a new scheme, clubs, pubs and retailers will ask anyone appearing to be under 21 to prove that they are at least 18. They will accept only two forms of ID, current passports and photocard driving licenses. Now anyone caught trying to buy a drink under age or faking ID, will be rounded up, collected in a van and driven up to Dartmoor and shot.
Can’t believe Jedward were voted off X Factor at the weekend. I cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and cried and fucking cried and then I cried.
Laughter is the best medicine, unless you’re David Beckham, then its Ventilin.
Adolf Hitler’s blue Mercedes 770k limo has been bought for £5million by a Russian tycoon. I bet it doesn’t run on gas.
Many young motorists drive on a cocktail of drink and drugs says a new survey. And who can blame them, because lets be honest, driving sober is fucking boring. As far as I’m concerned, If you can see past the front of the bonnet you are not fucked enough to drive.
Many people are missing the point of Jordan’s Jungle Visit, it’s probably the first time she has point blank refused to put a pair of testicles in her mouth, and she did it on national telly. I take my hat off to her.
I love Sunday league football. Player Gareth Coward was left drenched in blood as he took a corner at a match in St Annes On Sea after the linesman hit him over the head with a flag pole following a punch up on the pitch. Now you don’t get fantastic match day entertainment like that in the Premier League.
Lilly Allen stunned fans in Swindon by acting as a barmaid during a live gig. She was seen pouring pints of Guinness for concert goers. Once the gig was over she was also seen brushing the floor, selling T Shirts, putting away chairs, packing away PA equipment and driving a Lorry.
“Thou shall hev a fishy on a little dishy, Thou shall hev a fishy when the boat comes in”. – Cheryl Cole 2009.
Susan Boyle was looking fucking hot on X Factor on Sunday, now how about a topless 2010 calender?
Martin Pohlmann drove through a shop window after his Sat-Nav told him to take a sharp right. Police say he is lucky to be alive as if he had taken a sharp left he would have driven into a river. A spokesman for the Sat-Nav company said there is a warning on the box not to take any notice of the device if it is set to ‘female’ in the voice options menu.
Just been reading the problem page in The Guardian… READER: “Dear Camilla. My husband is a terribly kind and jolly chap, but he is bloody ghastly in the four poster. Quite simply unadventurous and dreary in the goose duvet. A glass of port or a laborious day can leave him with nothing but a flaccid reproductive organ which more often than not, leaves me with an unwelcoming dry la la – hardly Jilly Cooper darling? The truth is he’s never been able to make me arrive and quite frankly, I’ve had enough and have been considering some whoopi elsewhere.” Clarissa Trixibell
CAMILLA: “Oh Clarissa darling mwah, mwah, It all sounds very tedious darling. I normally find organic Yoga can help or vegetarian Pilates may be the key. Try eating Tofu and lentils and distract yourself daily by buying antique furniture and talking loudly in public.”
Dan Prince tells us as it….
See Kelloggs have done a load of advertising to recall their Chocotastic Pop Tarts – well, that’ll take the postman three minutes to get up to the Kelloggs factory with maybe, er a couple of envelopes at the best. They taste like rabbit shit.
Love the story about the burglar who spent 11 hours hanging upside down out of a window with his trousers down after he tried to burgle a supermarket in Portugal. Why bother? The food’s shit over there.
I went to Hamburg in Germany this week for a rave up. My terminal was closed off for 4 hours after police mistook a 140lb consignment of frozen fish for a bomb. Still trying to get my head round that one.
When I got there the front pages of the newspapers was all about this Dieter Klum chap who called the police to say there was an intruder in his house. An owl was stuck in his chimney.
Great tale about Drivetime host DJ Steve Harris on Radio Solent playing a woman having an orgasm on his show, just as parents were picking up their kids from school. ‘Ooh’s, ahhs and yes!’ filtered out over the airwaves as mummy and daddy quickly changed the radio channel to Classic FM. What an absolute plonker. And how he got the recording from my bedroom from Friday, I will never know.
Vicks ‘Nasal Sprays’ are another product to be recalled this week amid fears they could contain a dangerous bacteria. I bet the clubbing community in Liverpool are gutted.
A housewife has won a contest to invent a kitchen utensil to scoop up and serve casserole. And I thought I was boring.
Kerry Katona I see has revealed that she has had her eldest daughters names tattooed on her wrists to stop her killing herself. No love. Having ink drawn on your arms is not the way forward. Rehab is.
I love farting.
I also love the way American’s police force arrest people. Using a 50,000 volt Taser on a screaming ten year old and arresting her for assault on a police officer in Arkansas. Salutes all round. Not.
‘Umbrella’ singer Rihanna has admitted she always walks around the house naked and her swimming pool cleaner has seen her in the nude at least five times. So what? My window cleaner has seen me wanking over gay porn nine times. And he’s gay.
Poll of the week. One in five Brits kick their partner out of bed to make way for a pet to sleep with them. Never had a problem there, my girlfriend is a right dog.
Weirdest story of the week? The dude in South Africa who smuggled gold out of the jewellers he worked for, inside a chicken.
My window cleaner has put his rates up 50p an hour.
That Kate Moss is a weird one. Coming out with her latest comment “nothing tastes so good as skinny feels”. Darling, I bet a rat burger is tastier than going down on you.
