Dan Prince dishes out the shit…
See Chris Evans is selling some of his expensive flash cars to make way for a chicken coot in his garage. Well he had to get a fuck somewhere.
That Geri Halliwell has a fat arse hasn’t she?
The teenager left in a Coma after being smacked on his head with a beer bottle whilst on holiday. His mum is flying over to the hospital in a bid to revive him…by reading him his GCSE results. Well fuck me, I hope did better than me or that’s one waste of an Easy Jet flight.
I went to the V Festival the last week. Lovely to see Jack Tweed – Jade Goody’s widower pissing on the DJ booth in the dance tent. A very respectable young man.
Huge kidnapping story covering every front page of newspapers around the world at the moment, obviously. Not the local papers in Brighton though. Oh no. I was down there at the weekend having a rave up and the news that 25 cats have gone missing in four months was brought to my attention by the town’s journalists.
Walking down the street the other day and heard a student say to his mate in response to some story he was telling, “holy cow!”. I thought the Batman series finished years ago.
I have a great neighbour, Mrs Pritchard. I pop in and help her out when I can. I wash up for her, put her bin bags out, bring her a cup of tea in bed and fluff up her pillows when she’s had a hard day. So the news that butler Luciano Cadore got £70 million quid in his boss’s will, well, that got me thinking….
Right here’s an absolute cunt. A dairy worker and former milkman called Paul Luke in Essex has, since the age of nine, collected 10,000 milk bottles. Imagine the conversation he gives on his first dates…
I travel a lot and regularly get ashamed by Brit’s behaviour and also our reputation around the world is really smirked on by some countries. And you wonder why. Then you hear about seven year old Sooty the donkey winning Britain’s Best Best Donkey 2009…and it falls into place.
My girlfriend is always nagging me about getting her some nice new clothes. So how the fuck relieved was I when I found ot you can now buy used clothes worn on TV by news broadcasters on tvnewscloset.com. Phew.
Pixie Geldof topless on holiday in Majorca. Buy a bikini love.
I love people who excel in their chosen sport. England winning The Ashes was great, Tom Daley scooping the gold in diving and Andy Murray is doing great at tennis. So why the fuck do we have to have on telly 61 year old Beth Mansfield from Bolton receiving a trophy winning a Flip-Flop Flipper contest in France at the weekend. Well done Beth for flipping a shoe 25 metres love.
Oh, and whilst we are on the subject of people with too much time on their hands, what’s with the arseole of a publican in Gosport trying to get his whole town to join his new hobby of racing rubber ducks down the river? And yes, he is single.
As is the guy who ran, naked, into a Vegetable show in Nashville in America and yelled ‘What’s Up Doc’ whilst eating a carrot. Weird that.
And to round the singles up – some blobhead in Connecticut was arrested for continually calling his ex girlfriend – and burping down the phone.
Mice shit was found in the kitchen by health inspectors at Gordon Ramsey’s The Warrington restaurant in London last week after an extensive search. Boys, you could have saved yourself some time and just ordered off the menu, that’s real shit.
Bristol’s No. 1 DJ let’s rip…
Me being a big child, I asked my next door neighbours kids if I could join in with their water fight in the garden on Sunday. You should have seen them shit themselves and run inside when I started boiling the kettle.
I hate all this ‘Cycling City’ bollocks going on in the UK right now, clueless local councils playing the green card with no fucking idea what it’s like to ride a bike during rush hour. Fact 1- in the week of the 6th-12th August in Bristol, England’s first ‘Cycling City’ there were four major accidents involving bicycles including one death. Not bad for a week’s work. Fact 2 – all motorists hate cyclists. Fact 3 – all pedestrians hate cyclists. Fact 4 – It pisses down with rain most of the time in the UK and it gets fucking cold, so why are you going to ride a bike to work? Fact 5 – it’s hard to smoke a pipe on a bike. Fact 6 – If your bike is not stolen it will get it’s wheels stamped on if you leave it unattended for more than a day. Fact 7 – you look like a cock in a bike helmet. Fact 8 – Holland is flat, the UK isn’t and much easier to get round in a four by fucking four.
I’m looking forward to summer this year.
No one knows what street artist Banksy looks like do they? So what is the point of queing for five fucking days to see his work at an exhibition in Bristol. I just phoned the Art Gallery at the Bristol Museum and told them I was him, put a hoodie on, splashed a bit of paint on my fingers and was let in the back door 25 minutes after my phone call…
Went to see West Ham Vs Millwall last week, what a good battle – but completely fucking ruined when players came onto the pitch and started up a game of football.
If that lie detector test is so fucking good on that Jeremy Kyle show, why the fuck don’t Scotland Yard use it then? Unsolved crime? Instead of a outdated costly court case just drag the suspect on to the Jeremy Kyle show, give them the test, have the results read out in front of a live audience, if they are told the truth they get a hearty round of applause and can walk away with their heads held high and if they lied they get shouted at and get told to ‘grow up’ by Jeremy Kyle before being booed. You also get free counselling by his team of experts saving the taxpayer millions, also the humiliation of being on that show alone is enough to stop anyone re-offending.”
Is it wrong to give a hamster Heroin?
Women would rather have more money than sex says a new survey, so guys next time your girlfriend says ‘fuck me’ steal her purse and go down the pub.
A Vet in Kent removed pebbles from Marvin the dog’s stomach after he became ill, not surprised he was ill as Pebbles was the name of the neighbour’s cat.
Viagra Ice Cream was launched in the UK this week, available from the Ultralounge in the London branch of Selfridges. Apparently, you eat it – you don’t rub it on your dick as I found out when I was removed by security guards and arrested on Monday. Beware if you do eat it, I’ve been told it can get stuck in your throat and can give you a stiff neck.
My last girlfriend told me I used to make love like I’m decorating. I said, “what slow smooth strokes and a lovely finish?” She said “no, you just bang it up there, leave a fucking mess and I have to finish the job off myself”.
