First up…Dan Prince
Russell Brand – “I’m a spiritual gent and increasingly that’s the level I want to vibrate on, were it not for my crazed lust for sex and glamour.” Mate, you have as much glamour as a floater in the toilet. Boy racers turning city centers into race tracks through the night – just little pricks whose parents need a smash round the face with a saucepan. Girls Aloud on Jonathan Ross – oh my god how beautiful – what a wank I had. Moving house, what an absolute pain in the arse – and Pickfords, you’re shit. The new James Bond flick, seen it and it’s fucking great. Christenings, how boring? Setting your alarm for four in the morning to interview US DJs with ego’s the size of Jo Brand’s arse. Friends who call you and tell you they have already done their Christmas shopping – listen, I only got back from Ibiza last week, Christmas is the last thing on my mind you losers. Waking up after a night out with random disco bruises, how? Famous DJs who shave their heads when they go a LITTLE bald – someone who’s name who has something to do with sperm springs to mind straight away. Having a job like a Postman or a Milkman – what a fucking chore. People who have a hanky in their pocket. Finding the odd grey pube down below whilst in the bath. Musicals – I would rather go out on a date with Cilla Black than sit through any of that shit. These four British women about to row 3,720 miles across the Indian Ocean for charity – naked, well I hope you’ve taken out shares in a mosquito repellent manufacturer. Comedian’s Bill Bailey’s hair – here is the exception to famous people shaving their hair off, mate buy a mirror and have a real good look. Grace Jones’s forthcoming tour – do people actually think she’s gonna turn up? I went to a party once where she’d already received over £10,000 as a deposit, and then decided she couldn’t be arsed doing the gig even though she’d flown to London from America already – disgraceful. Folk who sit in their bedrooms playing a guitar – cunts. The fan who has been sending Dizzee Rascal soiled knickers, yeah sorry about that mate but my washing machine is on the blink. Chris De Burgh – why? Looking forward to this new hip hop movie Notorious coming out soon. Comedian Johnny Vegas taking up Rugby League to get fit, this I have to fucking see. This kitten born in America with two faces complete with four eyes and two noses (wwww.notw.co.uk – only in the States). People who make wigs, your school career advisers need having a word with. Having Trick or Treaters already knocking on your door – yeah, here’s a trick… a bucket of piss thrown over your Frankenstein costumes. Being told on the news that the price of butter is going up – hmmm, there’s wars going on, floods around the world, huge disasters, big sports events and we’re being told that a packet of Lurpak is going up? Red Dwarf star Danny John-Jules probably going to prison for spitting, kicking and punching a council worker who refused to empty Danny’s recycling bin because it contained polystyrene – you haven’t quite got the hang of this recycling thing have you mate? Shirley Manson from Garbage being crowned ‘Most Fashionable’ music icon at the Scottish Style Awards – oh come on, that little bird from The Krankies would have topped my list. Whitney Houston keeping a crowd waiting hours waiting for her to come stage, she finally appears and comes out with the line “I just love you all” – for some big dude sitting behind me to shout out “sing bitch”. Classic. The story that Queen Victoria had musical knickers made for her… what a strange world we live. The moron in Taiwan who was so determined to win a college Eating Contest he ate twice as much as the person who came second – and then choked to death in front of all his fellow students. Michael Jackson stepping out in public without his mask and announcing a 30 date World tour next year – good to have you back. That 47 stone woman who had to be carried out of her house by eight firemen to get her to hospital – they then had to cut trees down outside her gaff to get her in the ambulance. Imagine the price to fix the suspension. This Guy Ritchie and Madonna marriage break up saga – I would rather hear about the price of butter…
Next up… Paul Conroy
Apologies to anyone who was offended by my attire at Andy’s funeral at the weekend. I will be honest with you, I misread the invite and now realise that sombre and sombrero are fucking worlds apart. By the way, I found out who burnt down Weston Pier.. Bob bloody Holness – you know the man who used to present Blockbusters on the telly? And there’s me thinking it was John Virgo. Caught my girlfriend drinking out the toilet again this week, I find this very odd as I always leave a fresh bowl of tap water in the kitchen for her every morning. Is it me or does break-dancing look like someone trying to change a tyre on a moving car? My anti-wrinkle cream for babies idea took a nose dive when I presented it on ‘Dragons Den’ recently – they all said “I’m out” before I got up the fucking stairs – they haven’t got a clue those cunts, nothing worse than a old looking baby eh? There is a new French perfume on the market that also failed to impress the ‘Dragons Den’ panel – it is based on the smell of a Parisian car park stairwell – Levele No 5 will be in the shops next month under the slogan ‘Elle La Femee Plume De La Nap da we we’ which means ‘for the woman who likes to smell of tramps piss’. Footballs coming home which is a fucking shame co’s I’ve just rented it’s room out. I am looking for a secretary if anyone’s interested – keyboard touch typing, shorthand, Word, Excel, Powerpoint and Outlook, effective business communication and audio transcription skills are all required plus you must be trustworthy and concienceous – or if you’re slim with big tits and can suck a golf ball through a hose pipe the job is yours. I have to say the grass on Spurs pitch is in excellent condition at the moment, a groundsman at the club says that’s what happens when you put £27,000,000 worth of shit on it every week. Who gives a flying fuck about Madonna and Guy Richie splitting up. I’m sorry, but I feel sorry for the man who came up with the name ‘Snatch’ for a film and wasn’t getting any at home and when he did, it must have been like shagging a claranet. Advice for people who sell the Big Issue: – have a wash, get a shave, get a job, drive a respectable car, wear a suit and fucking smile – then I might consider paying you a quid for your shitty magazine. Before I go, a big shout to my hoes Inid and Daphne, respec to you both, not forgetting bitches Blanch and Irene. And a big up to my crew Albert Ray and Ted. Jungle is massive. Outee…
